This Is Where I’m At| One Year Ago Today

Last year on June 22nd was the day the divorce bomb dropped. You can read all about that here. I didn’t think this day would be hard or bring up any emotions because I really thought I was over the divorce hump.

But I guess not. Because I’ve been pretty angry lately and not known why- but it’s all starting to make sense now. I am so angry because of the way things went down. I am somewhat a control freak, and one year ago my entire life was shattered. Everything I was working towards, everything I thought to be true wasn’t. I was left totally shell shocked and with a trillion things to figure out. Obviously I did figure everything out though.

Which brings me to my next angry point. I am so mad at me. How could I have not been prepared for something like this? How was it possible to be so dependent on someone else that my world came to a screeching halt at their command.

It’s a really tricky place to be in though. To be so angry at one situation but so happy that it didn’t work out at the same time. Last year, at this time, I had no idea what was about to happen. I didn’t know my ex husband wanted a divorce, I didn’t know he had spoken to a lawyer, I thought things were totally fine. So today, one year later, I am left with this PTSD feeling; when is something horrible and earth shattering going to happen? And i’m honestly scared. If something so intense can happen, what’s stopping another super intense thing from happening too?

I talked to Mom/Ass Kicker and told her how I was feeling. And she replied with the two simplest, best sentences ever. “Nothing is going to happen… I promise. You are protected in so many ways” which is so true! In my marriage I worked towards one general goal- marriage, kids, buy a house, train the dog. So it makes sense my world crashed down when that was over.

But ever since that day things have been different. My goals have been different. Here’s how things have been the past year.

June- bomb dropped

July- promoted in my job

August- bought my first car/ started adultish/ went to texas/ went to vegas

September- got my license

November- second Vegas trip

December- First Christmas alone, not fun. Vegas Friend saved the day there.

January- Moved to a new place more like my own apartment

February- Worked on furnishing my apartment. Stopped taking depression and anxiety medicine.

March-  Started to get serious about finances/ credit scores/ and refinancing

April- Started implementing some life long goals and tasks into my everyday life- makes a huge difference. Got my passport.

May- refinanced my car. went to Cancun for my birthday. Did May Blog A Day and Blogged for 31 days straight. Found out my divorce was final. Started taking classes again.

And that brings us to back to day. Where I have a 10 page paper due in 3 days and had to be bribed with string cheese to complete half of it before bed last night. House sitting for Vegas Friend, making my own money, doing what I want when I want.

The ebbs and flows of divorce are just strange. I didn’t expect to feel like anything at all. But when something so intense happens, I guess it is only normal to have such a strong reaction.

This is not to say that I don’t want to egg his house or anything… but eggs are expensive and I would rather take that $5 of salmonella and buy ice cream with it instead.

All of this to say- if you’re going through something so incredibly rough, it gets better. Little by little you will get there, and you will grow and learn so much along the way. You just have to keep pushing.

 

 

 

 

 

24, Divorced, and Totally Fine? | Adultish

The time has finally come, and I can officially let you all into the most recent part of my life. Drum roll please.

I am officially divorced. Shocking I know, huh? Especially if you’ve been keeping up with my journey to divorce. But yes, the day has come, and I feel- well. I feel a lot of ways that I wasn’t expecting to feel.

I have been waiting to be divorced for quite some time. But now with that date stamped letter I just feel kind of odd. I am 24 years old and divorced. I can’t say that this is the life I thought I would have when I was younger, but it is the life that I have so I have no choice but to deal with it.

When I opened the letter from his lawyer I just felt very empty. I have moved on the most anyone could move on- I am involved with someone else, I don’t speak to my ex- heck, he didn’t even tell me happy birthday. We are 100% over. But man, those papers made everything seem so much more intense, official, and real!

It took me a few minutes to shake that feeling, and now I am just 24, divorced and totally fine. I think. Divorce is a silly thing. My divorce was possibly the best thing that ever happened. I am a completely different person now and it astonishes me every single day. Getting a divorce shows you how strong. resilient and hardworking you can truly be.

I’ve learned how to be a serious grown up with a car payment and deadlines, a routine I try to stick to and a life full of things I love. Being divorced means I can (possibly, still waiting to hear back) get financial aid for the university I attend so I am not paying out of pocket any more.

Though I can’t say I “recommend” divorce to any one (cause that’s kind of mean and rude) I will say that it was the most defining thing in my life. Given any situation if you make the correct choices you can always end up on top. I mean, even Jaclyn Hill is going through a divorce and seriously slaying life, so I am pretttty sure it’s possible.

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I Took A Pregnancy Test| Adultish

You know how you imagine getting pregnant… You take that pregnancy test and rainbows appear and angels fly out of the shower while you’re still in awe of that positive sign on the pee drenched stick… Yeah, that’s not exactly how this story goes.

When I was married I was getting really worried I was pregnant. I hadn’t had my period for maybe 5 or 6 weeks… I wasn’t PMSing and there was no sign of aunt flow. My then husband and I were weeks away from signing the final papers to buying our first home. I had just started a new job and the stress level was real.

I went to the dollar store and grabbed approximately nine million tests. Each negative- thank god. But then another week went by and still nothing. By this point we were both pretty freaked out. I mean, we talked about kids. We wanted kids. But not at that exact moment. I didn’t have insurance, we didn’t know how we would do it financially and we were both certain his family would have flipped out.

So after the negative tests my friends were even getting worried. They convinced me to buy another test and take it. I was going to wait until the morning because they say that’s what you’re supposed to do but I figured I was already 6 weeks with out a period and possibly pregnant, I doubt morning pee will be that much different. So I took the test and basically died when the positive sign glared back at me. There it was a light blue symbol of oh fuck that I didn’t know what to do with.

We were at his grandmas house when I took the test. I took a picture and sent him the photo on his phone. Covered the test and stuck it in my purse so his grandma didn’t find it and stroke out in the bathroom. I went into the family room and sank into the couch thinking only “Crap. Crap crap crap….”

My husband looked at his phone and went white as a ghost, looked at me, at his phone, at me again and then honestly looked like he might barf.

We made some lame excuse as to why we had to leave and the moment we got in his truck we both flipped the fuck out. Then got in an argument. Then apologized. Then I thought I might barf. We got home and barely spoke to each other. We agreed in the morning I would take another test.

All night I basically freaked out. Touched my stomach, questioned what we were doing, what kind of a mother I would be. Questioned if our marriage didn’t last what I would do. Wondered what his family would think. Wondered if I was ready for motherhood and to stay at home and raise a child. A million thoughts swirled in my mind and I barely slept.

Around 3am I couldn’t stand it anymore and ripped the pregnancy test box open to take the other tests. I waited my three minutes, knowing the results would freak me out either way.

Negative.

Not pregnant.

WHAT?! How can one test say positive and the other say negative? GOOGLE I NEED ANSWERS.

Apparently there are false positives, dye runs and all this other stuff.

I woke up my husband and told him I took the other test and that I wasn’t pregnant. His response was something like ” Thank God” then he rolled over.

I was slightly pissed at him thinking well if it said positive what would he had said? But now, that we are divorced and we never did have a kid together I am so thankful.

I love kids. But that scared the shit out of me. So I am good having a BK, or no kids, or just living with 96 cats.