Every night I meet the stars at 1am and I start the dance I know too well.
Tossing with sheets and trips to the bathroom, making a to do list and checking notifications.
Every night is the same and my mind spills out a thousand words in the notes section of my phone, never to be seen.
I douse myself in lavender, cling to my crystals and turn on soothing music but my mind continues to race of that one email I didn’t reply to and thoughts of impending doom if I somehow fall asleep again and find myself late to work, only compounding my list and ensuring I forget another email.
Mental questions of what I am doing and how I am doing it.
Maybe I am too rough with myself, striving for all that can be done and yet still not satisfied.
So I Pinterest moon quotes, maybe I will find solace in the spoken words of other insomniacs.
Maybe I have lost me in all the searching I have done to be whole.
What if me is not whole at all but rather fragments of people I was in the past.
I am a twinge of divorced, a sprinkle of 24 and barely making it, a dash of ass kicker/moms hopes of my life and a whirlwind of questions from BK such as “what is a douchebag”.
My phone is filled with unanswered texts.
Not because I don’t care, but because I am lost as to a reply.
I don’t know what to do about your relationship and I can’t tell you ten more times to leave.
I don’t know if I want to go to church with you because I never sleep I have hopes one day I will, and that’ll likely be on a Sunday.
So instead, meet me where I am, at 3 am with a cup of coffee in my blog comments or at my door.
Bring coffee to me at work and understand when I cant “stay a while”.
Realize I have 7 hours of homework and a ten page paper due and meet me in grace when I feel unsure if I am really smart enough.
Know if I don’t respond it’s not out of malice, but the more likely scenario that I forgot or just don’t know what to say.
Understand our life paths are completely different and I am not being rude, rather practical.
Don’t blame my unavailability on what you think is depression or anxiety because I am doing quite well right now, thank you.
Ask if I have eaten and bring be food anyway because I am likely lying and too busy to stop.
Hug me when you see me and hold me tight and maybe I will take a break.
Bring chocolate with bad news and bring a smile if you need a favor.
Bring your whole self and I’ll bring mine and we can meet somewhere in the middle of expectation and reality.