The Truth| Adultish

This wasn’t the blog I planned to put up this week, but when life gives you lemons… you call your mom-thing and cry. When I started Adultish I wanted everyone to be able to gleam a  bit of wisdom from my mistakes, follow my journey and only experience the lessons and none of the hardship. I wanted to learn the shitty things and then tell you all how to better deal, or avoid those situations. I put so much focus on maintaining goals, being “adult”, having your shit together… being “perfect”. And while I do believe that growing up and paying your bills is undeniably important, I don’t think the way I have been doing this adulting thing is very realistic. Let’s rewind, shall we…

When I was married I was a totally different person. Very in my feelings and emotional, very pity-party and not really fun. I didn’t have my license, didn’t try too hard to get it, and I didn’t really strive or work towards anything at all. I counted on my husband very intensely, and that’s what “worked” in our relationship. Until, it didn’t work anymore. This all happened, probably, when I started to realize there was more in the world than what I was doing. I wanted to run again, and read controversial things, go to friends houses…  I think I was starving for something new and exciting and that was not the person my husband married. Now, of course, I don’t know if this is why I went from married to homeless, but I am sure it probably played a pretty significant role. I don’t think I will ever know the reason why- but I do know I was starting to get very restless with the same thing everyday.

Now I have always been extremely hardcore. For most people there is black, white, and gray. For me it’s black and white. I either master something or totally screw it up. When budgeting I will either not spend a dime for 27 days, or spend an entire paycheck in an hour. I really have zero middle ground. . When I was married I was super dependent. And now that I am divorced and on my own I am stubbornly independent. The moment I moved out a switch flipped and I told myself I couldn’t screw up again. I felt like I had a second chance to do things and make something of myself. It’s like I got so scared of ever depending on someone or messing up that I made a vow to only count on myself and work my tail off. I honestly think if I was on fire I wouldn’t ask for help some days. It’s annoying, even to me. I think all of these responses to life trauma are extremely normal…

So let’s come back to the present moment where I am newly 24, divorced for about a year and my day dreams occupy an incredible amount of my time. I am obsessed with trying to save money, finish my degree, excel in my job, keep my place clean, trying to sleep 8 h/night, get A’s in my classes, keep up with Adultish, and be a nice person. All of these things are incredible, and absolutely imperative to work on in order to be a functioning human being. But I had a conversation that shook me to my depths.

*set the scene: me in tears (because I had lemons for lemonade but someone had better lemons… or something like that)*

Me: “But I am just agitated! I am working so hard, trying to do all of these things, and I’ve only made it this far!”

Magical Human: “You have only been on your own for a little over a year. You got a car, your license, saved, started school, moved into your own place… You’ve done the best you can with what you have… I mean what is it you think you are missing or lacking?”

And boom, like a ton of bricks crashing into my mediocre lemonade it hit me- I have some severely unrealistic expectations. In trying so hard to better myself and work towards the next thing, I have starved myself from reality and being appreciative of where I am. I really do remember crying and hurting because I wanted to have some money saved, and I wanted my own car, and the freedom a license brought. Now I have that, and so much more but I am only looking at what’s next. All I can think is how I want to advance in my job NOW, and move into a bigger place NOW, and get my degree NOW. But when we become so consumed with what we don’t have, it mentally destroys us.

I have a whole time line in my head of how things will work out, but most of these things take a considerable amount of time, like saving X amount and finishing my degree. These are excellent long term goals, but I need to focus on short term goals that help me get to the long term ones.

Of course I still totally believe in the importance of bettering yourself and getting your shit together. I will always be the person to try and make everything perfect- that’s just who I am. I will always rearrange my place 6 times a month and need to buy a new pair of shoes to spruce up my life. It would be a cold day in hell the day I didn’t want to update, organize or better something.

If you take anything from all of the tears and hydration I lost learning this lesson, it’s two things…

One- Long term goals are great. Short term goals help you keep your sanity.

Two- Sometimes the ability to see where you are versus where you were is the lesson it’s self. Always be grateful for where you are in life- even if it’s still miles from your goal.

 

 

 

This Is Where I’m At| One Year Ago Today

Last year on June 22nd was the day the divorce bomb dropped. You can read all about that here. I didn’t think this day would be hard or bring up any emotions because I really thought I was over the divorce hump.

But I guess not. Because I’ve been pretty angry lately and not known why- but it’s all starting to make sense now. I am so angry because of the way things went down. I am somewhat a control freak, and one year ago my entire life was shattered. Everything I was working towards, everything I thought to be true wasn’t. I was left totally shell shocked and with a trillion things to figure out. Obviously I did figure everything out though.

Which brings me to my next angry point. I am so mad at me. How could I have not been prepared for something like this? How was it possible to be so dependent on someone else that my world came to a screeching halt at their command.

It’s a really tricky place to be in though. To be so angry at one situation but so happy that it didn’t work out at the same time. Last year, at this time, I had no idea what was about to happen. I didn’t know my ex husband wanted a divorce, I didn’t know he had spoken to a lawyer, I thought things were totally fine. So today, one year later, I am left with this PTSD feeling; when is something horrible and earth shattering going to happen? And i’m honestly scared. If something so intense can happen, what’s stopping another super intense thing from happening too?

I talked to Mom/Ass Kicker and told her how I was feeling. And she replied with the two simplest, best sentences ever. “Nothing is going to happen… I promise. You are protected in so many ways” which is so true! In my marriage I worked towards one general goal- marriage, kids, buy a house, train the dog. So it makes sense my world crashed down when that was over.

But ever since that day things have been different. My goals have been different. Here’s how things have been the past year.

June- bomb dropped

July- promoted in my job

August- bought my first car/ started adultish/ went to texas/ went to vegas

September- got my license

November- second Vegas trip

December- First Christmas alone, not fun. Vegas Friend saved the day there.

January- Moved to a new place more like my own apartment

February- Worked on furnishing my apartment. Stopped taking depression and anxiety medicine.

March-  Started to get serious about finances/ credit scores/ and refinancing

April- Started implementing some life long goals and tasks into my everyday life- makes a huge difference. Got my passport.

May- refinanced my car. went to Cancun for my birthday. Did May Blog A Day and Blogged for 31 days straight. Found out my divorce was final. Started taking classes again.

And that brings us to back to day. Where I have a 10 page paper due in 3 days and had to be bribed with string cheese to complete half of it before bed last night. House sitting for Vegas Friend, making my own money, doing what I want when I want.

The ebbs and flows of divorce are just strange. I didn’t expect to feel like anything at all. But when something so intense happens, I guess it is only normal to have such a strong reaction.

This is not to say that I don’t want to egg his house or anything… but eggs are expensive and I would rather take that $5 of salmonella and buy ice cream with it instead.

All of this to say- if you’re going through something so incredibly rough, it gets better. Little by little you will get there, and you will grow and learn so much along the way. You just have to keep pushing.

 

 

 

 

 

Death Of A Relationship| Breaking Up

I know, “death” might seem strong. But what else should we call this? The happiest time of your life? That would just be a lie and chances are if you’re reading this blog it’s because someone already lied to you, or broke your heart, and you’re going through a breakup.

It didn’t dawn on me until today that hot damn I am over my divorce.

Not that it was “easy” by any means. I still went through the phase of not eating. I layed in bed and cried, was angry, and sad, then confused. And then one day, I was over it.

First things first, you need to talk about it. Get it out of your mind, and your body. When you talk about it you will cry (I mean, not like you haven’t cried enough) and eventually all of that pressure goes away.

Get some chocolate- or chips- or something to eat that you can’t usually resist- because chances are you haven’t eaten in 5 days and no one can deny a guilty pleasure.

It’s okay to be angry. And it’s okay not to be angry. We all process things differently.

Get your mind off of it- not to an unhealthy level of course, but you still need to be a functioning member of society. Go to work. Find a new hobby. Take up running.

Consume your life with positivity. Just because this time in your life is an incredibly rough patch doesn’t mean you can’t try to find the silver lining in things. You want to overcome your break up, you don’t want it to overcome you.

Resist the incredible urge to TP the ex’s house. Maybe this belongs up with the anger phase but the burning desire to egg that house, or trash it is so intense. Resist. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal.

Ignore that nasty saying that “they best way to get over someone is to get under someone”. Sex isn’t everything. You are more than welcome to do as you please, but you need to take care of yourself. If you are still grieving- wait until you’re done. It’s not like you want to be crying while you’re trying to “get under someone”. That’s just weird.

Talk to your friends about it- but only select friends. Don’t engage in conversations that are going to pull you down and make you question if what happened was right. You need uplifting people who can tell you “you got this, you’re going to be perfectly fine. So… go wipe the snot off your face and let’s go get something to eat because you look like the Thin Man”.

Count your blessings. Like any hardship we go through it is important never to lose sight of what really matters and of how lucky we are.

Make a plan with al your extra time and focus on YOU and your growth. Cuddle extra with your fur babies, start doing Yoga to heal you from the inside out, wake up to see the sunrise. Go attempt to paddle board to see if you like it, or if you’ll drown (disclaimer, I drowned).

And above all, know that it’ll be okay. Divorce, friend break up, romantic break up… you will live to see tomorrow and the sooner you get off the floor and stop sobbing the sooner you will see that to be true.

24, Divorced, and Totally Fine? | Adultish

The time has finally come, and I can officially let you all into the most recent part of my life. Drum roll please.

I am officially divorced. Shocking I know, huh? Especially if you’ve been keeping up with my journey to divorce. But yes, the day has come, and I feel- well. I feel a lot of ways that I wasn’t expecting to feel.

I have been waiting to be divorced for quite some time. But now with that date stamped letter I just feel kind of odd. I am 24 years old and divorced. I can’t say that this is the life I thought I would have when I was younger, but it is the life that I have so I have no choice but to deal with it.

When I opened the letter from his lawyer I just felt very empty. I have moved on the most anyone could move on- I am involved with someone else, I don’t speak to my ex- heck, he didn’t even tell me happy birthday. We are 100% over. But man, those papers made everything seem so much more intense, official, and real!

It took me a few minutes to shake that feeling, and now I am just 24, divorced and totally fine. I think. Divorce is a silly thing. My divorce was possibly the best thing that ever happened. I am a completely different person now and it astonishes me every single day. Getting a divorce shows you how strong. resilient and hardworking you can truly be.

I’ve learned how to be a serious grown up with a car payment and deadlines, a routine I try to stick to and a life full of things I love. Being divorced means I can (possibly, still waiting to hear back) get financial aid for the university I attend so I am not paying out of pocket any more.

Though I can’t say I “recommend” divorce to any one (cause that’s kind of mean and rude) I will say that it was the most defining thing in my life. Given any situation if you make the correct choices you can always end up on top. I mean, even Jaclyn Hill is going through a divorce and seriously slaying life, so I am pretttty sure it’s possible.

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I Took A Pregnancy Test| Adultish

You know how you imagine getting pregnant… You take that pregnancy test and rainbows appear and angels fly out of the shower while you’re still in awe of that positive sign on the pee drenched stick… Yeah, that’s not exactly how this story goes.

When I was married I was getting really worried I was pregnant. I hadn’t had my period for maybe 5 or 6 weeks… I wasn’t PMSing and there was no sign of aunt flow. My then husband and I were weeks away from signing the final papers to buying our first home. I had just started a new job and the stress level was real.

I went to the dollar store and grabbed approximately nine million tests. Each negative- thank god. But then another week went by and still nothing. By this point we were both pretty freaked out. I mean, we talked about kids. We wanted kids. But not at that exact moment. I didn’t have insurance, we didn’t know how we would do it financially and we were both certain his family would have flipped out.

So after the negative tests my friends were even getting worried. They convinced me to buy another test and take it. I was going to wait until the morning because they say that’s what you’re supposed to do but I figured I was already 6 weeks with out a period and possibly pregnant, I doubt morning pee will be that much different. So I took the test and basically died when the positive sign glared back at me. There it was a light blue symbol of oh fuck that I didn’t know what to do with.

We were at his grandmas house when I took the test. I took a picture and sent him the photo on his phone. Covered the test and stuck it in my purse so his grandma didn’t find it and stroke out in the bathroom. I went into the family room and sank into the couch thinking only “Crap. Crap crap crap….”

My husband looked at his phone and went white as a ghost, looked at me, at his phone, at me again and then honestly looked like he might barf.

We made some lame excuse as to why we had to leave and the moment we got in his truck we both flipped the fuck out. Then got in an argument. Then apologized. Then I thought I might barf. We got home and barely spoke to each other. We agreed in the morning I would take another test.

All night I basically freaked out. Touched my stomach, questioned what we were doing, what kind of a mother I would be. Questioned if our marriage didn’t last what I would do. Wondered what his family would think. Wondered if I was ready for motherhood and to stay at home and raise a child. A million thoughts swirled in my mind and I barely slept.

Around 3am I couldn’t stand it anymore and ripped the pregnancy test box open to take the other tests. I waited my three minutes, knowing the results would freak me out either way.

Negative.

Not pregnant.

WHAT?! How can one test say positive and the other say negative? GOOGLE I NEED ANSWERS.

Apparently there are false positives, dye runs and all this other stuff.

I woke up my husband and told him I took the other test and that I wasn’t pregnant. His response was something like ” Thank God” then he rolled over.

I was slightly pissed at him thinking well if it said positive what would he had said? But now, that we are divorced and we never did have a kid together I am so thankful.

I love kids. But that scared the shit out of me. So I am good having a BK, or no kids, or just living with 96 cats.

Relationship Not Relationship| Adultish

I am in a “relationship not relationship”. I don’t expect you to understand that though. I can’t say that we understand that either.

A lot of people lately have asked when Vegas Friend and I will “go public”. Well, I have news for you, never.

Wait, what?! Why?!!!

Because Vegas Friend and I were never supposed to last a year (holy crap how has it almost been a year). We were just good friends that had known each other for years. We were both safe, and compassionate people. We were both just there. I was going through a divorce and angry, lost, confused. Vegas Friend was starting over again as well. We were just two fucked up people who understood.

I would have never thought that I would be the one to have “meaningless” relationships. Vegas Friend and I will not get married. We have no plan on moving in with each other, or any other long term commitment. We are just REALLY good friends .

It’s so hard to explain Vegas Friend. Especially since I know he will read this and make fun of it- thanks. I love Vegas Friend- but not in that way. He has been with me since basically the beginning. He knows so much about me and has helped me overcome a lot of my anxiety and fears. He has taught me what it is supposed to be like when someone cares for you.

Now granted he also pisses me off beyond belief. He pushes me until I feel like I can’t breathe sometimes. He keeps me within the lines of normal.

He is the hardest example the “next guy” will have to live up to. He is the person who I’ve called at 2am screaming in pain. He’s who taught me the joy and possibilities of life in general.

So I will take this relationship not relationship. Cherish every moment for what it is with out overthinking. I will continue to learn from Vegas Friend and he will continue to make fun of me- until we don’t. And that’s all there is.

Not Getting Divorced

I guess I should have known that this was going to happen.

It seemed really obvious from how things went in the beginning.

There have been so many on and off again struggles with this divorce.

My divorce STILL is not final. I got the email from his lawyer yesterday letting us know that the judge still had not signed the papers- still married, going on a year of trying to get a divorce. At this rate it seems as if I we are not EVER getting divorced. I will be 78 years old with fourty-seven plants and still be married to him.

#LifeGoals #ThePlantsNotTheMarriedPart

He and I are amicable. We don’t argue anymore and if ever I want to see the puppy he always lets me.

So it’s not that I want to be divorced because I am grouchy with him- not at all. It’s mostly just for the sake of taxes and because of financial aid for school.

It does feel weird though, because even though we aren’t legally divorced yet, if people ask if I am married, I tell them “oh no, I’m divorced”. “Divorced” seems to be the dirty “D” word now. Where people hear you say DIVORCED as if it’s the key phrase of a Satan chant and everyone looks at you like the “D Word” is contagious. I find it especially interesting when people find out I am going through a divorce because I look much younger than I am- and as if (to some) divorce isn’t bad enough, now I’m SIXTEEN and divorced. Eye. Rolls. All. Day.

But he and I actually spoke not too long ago. I called him to basically say thanks for the divorce- which I know is SO WEIRD. But I grew so much from it- and I am really happy in my life. And I think and hope that he is happy too. Both of our lives are going in completely different directions, and I am reminded with every new step he takes in his life how much I enjoy mine.

It is a smidge weird though- I won’t lie. To be nonchalant with a man you were in love with and share a bed with. The man who saw you at your everything. Aaaand, now you guys are just random people who sometimes need signatures or over the phone approvals to switch names over.

Somethings in life are just weird and freaky- and I think that’s all there is to it. So maybe in another 6 months/ year I will post again and actually be divorced.

But don’t hold your breath 😊