This Is What Depression/Anxiety Is | Adultish

Every day you feel like you’re walking the line of sanity and total bat shit crazy. Maybe you didn’t sleep enough the night before or someone said one thing that you’re totally overanalyzing and will miss hours of sleep because of. Maybe it’s a Sunday night and the thought of what awaits at work has you up at 3 am writing a blog because I feel like my skin is going to crawl off of my skin. Maybe I have convinced myself that because my friend didn’t text me back that somehow in the last 30 minutes they have decided they hated me.

This is what depression/Anxiety is. A constant cycle of annoying thoughts. Like as if you’re hot and your mind says to take off your jacket and you just can’t. You won’t move to take it off even though you’re sweating and need to, you just can’t move. It seems too tiring and exhausting. You worry if you give into your thoughts, even about a jacket that you will give in to all of the other thoughts, like your friends hating you.

This is what depression/Anxiety is. Not being able to go to sleep because you fear tomorrow, even though tomorrow is enevitable and there’s nothing out of the ordinary going on. Maybe you will call out of work because you just can’t deal with thinking about it for one more second. At least if you don’t have to go your mind can stop.

This is what depression/anxiety is. When you get home and the door shuts and you’re all alone and you feel it. An instant “god please no” as it seeps back into your mind and your soul. For no reason either, you were just doing so good for days on end and now you feel like you’re dying. All you can do is lay on your bed.

This is what depression/anxiety is. You can’t stop even when you want to. You become so annoyed knowing you’re just sinking deeper into the rabbit hole and you can’t stop. You become frustrated with yourself and your inability to just be normal. You’re losing sleep, losing friends, sanity. You can’t do a damn thing about it. You can take medicine and go to the doctor. Antidepressants work when your body cooperates. But not everyday is a good day and some days feel like you won’t even make it.

This is what depression/anxiety is. Texting your friend in the middle of the night hoping they are awake so you can talk about anything, not even you. Turning the TV on to get your mind off of your endless thoughts, only to have them emerge through the show. Taking a shower, diffusing oils, laying in a pile of crystals. Am I normal yet?

This is what depression and anxiety feels like. A constant worry that once you release how you really feel people will freak out and only add confirmation that no, you are not normal.

Depression is a roller coaster. Extreme highs, almost like life is normal and things ar going to be okay. Usually followed by one period of time where you don’t know if you can even walk to the other room because your mind won’t stop about if you should or shouldn’t.

Depression and anxiety come at. the most inconvenient times and make everything flip upside down. Suddenly you are no longer motivated, or smart, and you suck at everything.

This is what reality is. You are smart, able, kind, willing, good enough, important and loved. It is only your depression and anxiety that is saying otherwise. Every day it is a conscious decision to overcome those thoughts, but you can do it.

19 Thoughts My Freak Self Has Every Day

From the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep (and wake up and fall asleep… ) my mind goes non stop! Sometimes I wonder if my thoughts are even normal. Does everyone sing a song to their coffee in the morning? Regardless, I will let you be the judge of how “rational” my thoughts actually are. Let day two of May Blog A Day commence. Enjoy!

Oh my god. Why do I always set my alarm so much earlier than what I really need? Snooze.

Ugh. Okay I’ve hit snooze 6 times. Must awaken the beast.

Okay life problem. Should I make my bed and then pee, or pee then make my bed? OR- get coffee, pee, then make bed. Maybe I just won’t make my bed.

Whats the limit of days allowed to use dry shampoo? Is two too many? Mental note- buy more dry shampoo.

IF I wore leggings today, would my boss notice? Okay, even if they noticed would I get fired?

Hmmm.. Has anyone ever been fired over leggings? I could make history!

Crap. One eyebrow looks fab, the other looks like a caterpillar. Oh well, sisters not twins.

If I leave now I won’t be late. Oh, right, still naked.

How come car heaters aren’t instant. I am going to freeze to death.

My skin is going to melt off. Always putting the heater up to the highest level. When will I learn.

Wow. I have answered all my emails, did that one project, solved world hunger probably lunch time.

WTF. It’s only 9:17.

Did I pee this morning?

Today’s the day I start drinking 7 cups of water a day. “I think if I really applied myself I could be a totally changed person by noon”. Hah. Maybe tomorrow.

Better pack up to go home. Holy crap how many cups are on my desk.

FREEDOM! Well, I still have to come back tomorrow. BUT only if I want to pay my bills… I’ll decide later.

Shower tiiiiiiime. But will I wash my hair. How much dry shampoo do I have left?

Crap I am tired. I really hope I sleep tonight.

It’s 3:02 am. I guess I will not be sleeping tonight.

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Vegas Friend | Tell All… (TMI)

 

We’ve known each other for years. We went on a “date” (really unsure if it should be called a date, complicated) the night I signed my divorce papers. Now- this was *not* a date. I am not like a total crazy person here who decided 4 minutes after getting a divorce that “I wanted to start dating”. We simply went to dinner.

We spent a lot of time together at first. We would get off work at about the same time, usually make some sort of dinner plans, and sometimes I would stay the night. Now this was also before the time that I drove, so Vegas Friend would pick me up and drop me off all the time.

Dinner, movies, get a massage, go to Vegas, stay in and watch Tosh.0- even weird mundane shit like grocery shopping- I didn’t drive and we both needed to go.

I needed to buy a car so I saved what I thought would be enough for a down payment. Vegas friend and I woke up one morning and he said “wanna go car shopping today?”. And no, I did not. At all. I thought I was going to DIE from anxiety. I wouldn’t even test drive any of the vehicles because I was too scared. I ended up finding my car, and when the dealership wanted X amount of money more for a down payment, Vegas Friend, without hesitation, offered it to me. And I really didn’t want to take it, and it felt weird- but I was also so close to owning that car that I accepted. And of course, I paid him back.

( Side note, I did end up calling Mom/Ass Kicker at the dealership where she was like BUY THE DAMN CAR- in a nice way of course>)

Now I still didn’t have my license and Vegas Friend and I would practice in my car all the time… But I couldn’t bring myself to take the driver’s test. Then one-day Vegas Friend called me on my shit when I was in Texas. Basically, said I didn’t drive because I was too scared to drive, and I was just holding myself back. And he was stupidly correct. So, I made an appointment, took the test and PASSED! Still probably one of the greatest feelings I have had in my life.

Vegas Friend and I have been to Vegas twice, Palm Springs, we do fun random stuff all the time. He helped me move into where I am living now

Now I know what you’re thinking- wow, this “friend” is awfully nice. And yep, he is. But I think it’s obvious by our Vegas trips and sleep overs that we are a smidge more than friends. It’s complicated though- I won’t marry Vegas Friend. He won’t marry me. We won’t ever say I love you, or live together- and we are both 100% okay with that. We have a very low maintenance kind of “relationship” that works for both of us right now- and when it doesn’t work, then we will talk about it.

But this is what I will say… even though I am super hesitant to say these things on a blog…

The things I have learned from Vegas Friend are amazing. (So please Mom/Ass Kicker/ any one else who doesn’t want to know TURN AWAY)

I love traveling.

I love stuffed jalapenos.

There’s no way to see a movie unless it’s with reclining seats.

Sex is supposed to be good for BOTH people.

Star Wars doesn’t suck as much as I thought it would.

Relationships should be built on respect.

Back rubs solve almost everything.

People who respect you will never physically hurt you- in any capacity.

Beignets are a special type of delicious.

Day drinking is acceptable when you are on vacation.

Life is too short to eat crappy food.

What makes sex good is being comfortable and honest with each other.

 

Shit Vegas Friend does that makes me smile-

Ties my hair in a ponytail when I make cookies so it’s not in my face.

Cleans my car window when he fills my car up (because I don’t like to pump).

Makes sure the heater is on when I come over.

Teaches me to put air in my tires.

Spends money on a henna tattoo for me, knowing it will wash off.

Pretty sure he almost called 911 one day when I was writhing in pain from cramps at his house.

 

Like I said, it’s REALLY complicated. And I am leaving a few key pieces out here as to why it is so complicated.

But it works, and if for nothing else to teach us both some more lessons in life with a smile- and a lunch buddy.