Stop Letting Things Make You Miserable

A theme I’ve seen lately is that everyone I know, sometimes even including me, is just miserable. Maybe we are miserable because our kids are bouncing off the walls or financially we are miserable because no matter how we save we can’t seem to get out of debt. Maybe, and perhaps the worse, is that we are miserable because of our job or our relationship- two things that take an enormous chunk of time and emotion to deal with.

I’ve struggled with these feelings as well, and I think it’s pretty normal for the ebb and flow of how life goes. One good day, two bad. One good kid, one kid mooning their kindergarten teacher. Such is life.

But being miserable? That is not a part of life.

Let’s clarify. If your hamster dies, you can be miserable. That’s sad and it hurts, and then after some time it’s not so painful and no longer miserable. BUT. If your relationship makes you miserable because Nancy accidentally made that dinner you hate or Will was abducted by a demigorgon (sorry, playing Stranger Things the Game right now) those are not “miserable qualifiers”.

Here’s why: if Nancy made you dinner and you hate it, make your own dinner. If Will was abducted, go find his stick self! If your boss gets angry because you were late turning in a project and now you’re in trouble- don’t turn in late projects! This isn’t to say that we need to do everything ourself for things to work out- this is to say we need to take some responsibility for our own happiness and stop waiting around for other people to fulfill that.

Now I know it’s not that easy, especially with kids. Your child will continue to stick boogers under the table while you’re not looking- that’s their sole job right now. They will “accidentally” forget to clean out their lunch box for the 6th time in a row and you really shouldn’t be surprised by that.

Kids will be assholes. Bosses will be assholes. Sometimes partners will be assholes. AND THAT IS NORMAL. (I bet even sometimes you’re an asshole too. It’s okay. I won’t tell anyone)

The thing is- you can’t change a freaking thing about this. You can’t hold your kid upside down until they promise to clean their room, or force your spouse to take out the trash if they don’t want to.

But this is what you can do.

  • Find a new job
  • Talk with your spouse (likelihood they know they are being an ass is pretty slim)
  • Find a creative outlet where other people don’t mess up your beautiful things and you can find something to cherish within the world of assholes.
  • Realize you can’t control others or make them do anything they aren’t willing to do
  • Learn that any change you want to see starts from within
  • Stop expecting to be happy all the time and stop beating yourself up when you have a bad day
  • Know that everything is temporary
  • Know that things really aren’t that bad, you’re just in the midst of it and so it seems bad.
  • Stop making excuses and blaming other people for your downfalls and start taking initiative.

You see. You can’t change Nancy, or Will, your spouse, boss, friend, kid, parents. You can only change YOU and the things YOU do. The sooner we realize that and start to take some initiative the better things will be.

Where I’ve Been

If you’ve been here a while you will know that I am usually quite active on my blog. The past three weeks or so I haven’t done anything with Adultish. Not because I want to quit or because I am over it, but because I am in an area of growth. Almost like when you have a baby and they go through a growth spurt and they need extra cuddles and sleep and they get cranky. Yes, it’s exactly like that. I have been really introspective lately and just trying to search deep for what it is I feel I am missing. Sometimes I feel like I am just missing coffee, and other times I have to stop myself from driving to Canada when I am supposed to go to work. We are going through some things, that is for sure.

I wrote this a while ago, and while searching for whatever I felt I needed at the time, I found this draft tucked away when I was thick in my feels. Interestingly enough, I am in the same state even now, weeks later.

“I’m putting my life on Do Not Disturb. Not that I am saying “don’t talk to me”. But that I am saying “slow down”. I woke up and I listened to the birds, I felt the cool morning wind on my face and it was exhilarating. I watched bunnies pop around with their white tails and I just sat in complete peace. I have been learning how to be in the “now” as Eckhart Tolle explains in his book, The Power of Now.

It’s the concept of transcending the worry or the pain in your body and being fully present- something he explains far better than I can. It’s magical- the ability to transcend what seems to be hanging over you.

On a hundred roller coaster rides that terrified me, I was able to reach a state of nothing. I know maybe that sounds so stupid, but it was amazing. If I am upside down three hundred feet in the air and can be “nothing”, what’s stopping me from doing that with emotions and physical pain? My spine is bruised from ten hours of roller coaster rides with BK. I have a headache from being dehydrated and that “sun poison” feeling you get when you’re out too long and close to death. But I am nothing.

Nothing- but not in the way depression makes you feel “nothing” but rather the ability to almost be out of body a bit (I know, total freak) and control what I am spending my mental energy on.

I am on Do Not Disturb- I simply can’t be disturbed. Sure, work disturbed my zen like state, but only when I let it.”

This resonates with me as I just came back from a vacation and just walked back into reality. I am still learning how to be okay with things that I can not change. I wholeheartedly believe that your reactions to situations can change everything. If you are okay on the inside and at peace you are more able to positively react to what is going on in the outside. Every situation has both positive and negative potential, and your reaction makes that determination. Being in a zen like state, or choosing happiness in your life sets you up to react in an edifying way. So while we can’t put our jobs or relationships on do not disturb, we can mentally decide what we allow to have hold over us.

When You’re Raised In The South

I grew up in Texas and lived there in all the Southern Glory until I was 18. Then I moved to what is arguably the opposite side of the world, San Diego. Stan The Man, BK and I went on a cruise leaving from New Orleans, Louisiana and then stayed a few days once returned to explore good old NOLA.

It’s important to note that I have never considered my self a “southerner” and I’ll gladly take someone calling me a “valley girl” as a compliment. But I guess it’s true, you can’t take the south out of a southerner. And here’s why:

When you’re raised in the south

You say thank you, to everyone, all the time. It doesn’t matter if you hold the door open for me or if you scan my boarding ticket. THANK YOU.

When you’re raised in the south you greet everyone. In the elevator, the hall, on the bus- everyone gets a smile and a hello. It’s just the nice thing to do.

When you’re raised in the south you instinctively know (especially if you’re up against the Gulf of Mexico) that you need to pack shorts for the hot hours, a sweater for before the storm, umbrella for the storm the weather forecaster didn’t mention, and then a bathing suit for an hour later.

When you’re raised in the south you don’t straighten your hair. You scrunch it or put it in a pony tail because humidity is real. Or you pay lots of money for good anti-frizz products.

When you’re raised in the south rain is nothing special. And you’ve likely stood outside during the beginning stages of a hurricane as a child. It’s what you do.

And lastly, when you’re born in the south nothing scares you more than an old granny because you know she can go from sweet cookie maker to devil worshipper in 3 seconds flat.

Coffee Catch-Up; Blog 1| Adultish

Welcome to a brand new segment of Adultish, what I am calling Coffee Catch-Up. If you didn’t already know, I have a mild addiction to coffee and I am not ashamed to say there are 5 unopened bottles of creamer in my fridge on standby. Okay “mild addiction” might be an understatement.

The idea of this new segment is to provide you all with a deeper view into my life, and how I am trying not to burn down my house and struggling to implement all 5 food groups into my daily life. It’s not going well so far.

This week is a little different than most. Vegas Friend is camping. Not like my kind of camping which includes hotels and showers, no. He’s going hard core and having to hike up a mountain just to send me a text about how bad he smells. Awe, so sweet.  I am house sitting for him, and bird sitting for his sister. Tweet Tweet.

It’s Memorial Day weekend, and the only sustenance that holds is that I get to enjoy a 3 day weekend. I did tell Ass Kicker Mom that I was a little bummed since Vegas Friend is out of town, and I’m slightly family”less” here in California. But then I remembered I have pretty intense social anxiety and I only like about 6 people in real life. I would rather be in my pajamas hanging with Tweety and making the occasional emergency starbucks run anyway. White Girl gone wild.

I will tell you that Tweety and I have one thing in common, Celine Dion. I have physically injured myself belting out Celine Dion. Like the obsession is REAL. Tweety over here might be just as obsessed as I am, chirping loudly at all the right sappy spots of her songs. He also likes Lucy Neville’s “There’s Light” as well. It’s pretty flipping adorable.

A few months after the divorce I took a pretty substantial break from school, and I just started classes again this week. I am a little nervous on how to manage time, and if I am smart enough. But I just remind myself that there are people working on their PhD with kids, and I am just a worry wart and need to cool it.

I decided that I wanted to implement some daily goals (that so far I have failed terribly at). Things like drinking enough water, eating at every meal, taking vitamins, walking 10k steps a day and doing yoga everyday. So far I have taken my vitamins everyday at the same time I drink my coffee, and we all know I don’t skip coffee. As far as yoga, I’ve worn yoga pants everyday, does that count? I am just over a week back from vacation so maybe I will give myself a break.

I have, however, done something crazy amazing. I was thinking about how I could ensure I wouldn’t go out and randomly spend money. I decided to leave my debit and credit cards at home (I live 3 seconds from work and Vegas Friend lives 2 seconds from my work so in case of emergency I would be totally fine). I’ve had to run work eerands and where I would have seen a yummy lunch option and bought it I just stuck to what I originally brought for lunch because I COULDN’T buy it without a card. It’s actually been awesome and I haven’t spent any money at all! I do think I am going to take out some cash and keep it as mad money though because it was HARD come PMS time not to buy 756 pounds of chocolate. We made it through though. Barely. Vegas Friend was scared for his life at a time or two.

That about sums up this weeks insanity. Stay tuned to see what crazy things I do (or don’t do) next week. I gotta go dance with Tweety to Celine.

 

 

Time Management & How To Stay Alive

Here we go again with me telling you how you should live your life. As always, my disclaimer is that I am in no way qualified to teach you things, but you clicked so that must mean something! I have been thinking a lot about time management and how I am a pro at wasting all of my time. But considering I have Adultish, a full-time job, I do a lot with Vegas Friend and BK, and I am in school- I decided it was probably time to get my life together and crack down on some time management techniques.

I think first and foremost you have to analyze your time and how you are using it. Write down the moment that you wake up and then go on from that to plan out your entire week. I use “flex” time to distinguish my free time. This allows me to look at my set week and see just how much time I have to do the things I need to.

Do things right as they come up. Instead of saying “oh, I will just do this later” do it right then, it will take two seconds and you won’t forget about it. This keeps your task list relatively short since you will accomplish more.

The less liked solution is to sacrifice sleep. If you can skimp out on an hour of sleep and get 7 instead of 8 hours- but turn in an assignment, do it!

Choose wisely. If you only have an hour and you need to do 6 different things, make sure you’re choosing the most important thing.

Multitask- laundry is the best thing to multitask because you throw it in and do other things while your clothes are washing/ drying. You can listen do a podcast while you fold clothes, or a lecture while you put them away. Laundry is time managements jackpot.

Prioritize. I heard this great analogy about rocks, pebbles and sand. If you have a jar and you have rocks, sand and pebbles and they all need to fit perfectly how do you make it happen? You put the rocks, largest and hardest things to accomplish first- check them off your list and do them. Then you put the pebbles in, cross off your medium sized tasks. Then you do all the tiny tasks you had to do, your sand, and before you know it you’ve perfectly filled up your glass and all your rocks, pebbles and sand (todos) are done!

Make a list. I always make a list, for my blogs, homework, housework, my job- lists are my jam. They keep me on track and make sure I don’t forget things.

I hope you will be able to implement some of these tasks. If not you can be like my friend who said “Time management…. I think about all I need to do… and then I freak the fuck out, then cry”.

I Took A Pregnancy Test| Adultish

You know how you imagine getting pregnant… You take that pregnancy test and rainbows appear and angels fly out of the shower while you’re still in awe of that positive sign on the pee drenched stick… Yeah, that’s not exactly how this story goes.

When I was married I was getting really worried I was pregnant. I hadn’t had my period for maybe 5 or 6 weeks… I wasn’t PMSing and there was no sign of aunt flow. My then husband and I were weeks away from signing the final papers to buying our first home. I had just started a new job and the stress level was real.

I went to the dollar store and grabbed approximately nine million tests. Each negative- thank god. But then another week went by and still nothing. By this point we were both pretty freaked out. I mean, we talked about kids. We wanted kids. But not at that exact moment. I didn’t have insurance, we didn’t know how we would do it financially and we were both certain his family would have flipped out.

So after the negative tests my friends were even getting worried. They convinced me to buy another test and take it. I was going to wait until the morning because they say that’s what you’re supposed to do but I figured I was already 6 weeks with out a period and possibly pregnant, I doubt morning pee will be that much different. So I took the test and basically died when the positive sign glared back at me. There it was a light blue symbol of oh fuck that I didn’t know what to do with.

We were at his grandmas house when I took the test. I took a picture and sent him the photo on his phone. Covered the test and stuck it in my purse so his grandma didn’t find it and stroke out in the bathroom. I went into the family room and sank into the couch thinking only “Crap. Crap crap crap….”

My husband looked at his phone and went white as a ghost, looked at me, at his phone, at me again and then honestly looked like he might barf.

We made some lame excuse as to why we had to leave and the moment we got in his truck we both flipped the fuck out. Then got in an argument. Then apologized. Then I thought I might barf. We got home and barely spoke to each other. We agreed in the morning I would take another test.

All night I basically freaked out. Touched my stomach, questioned what we were doing, what kind of a mother I would be. Questioned if our marriage didn’t last what I would do. Wondered what his family would think. Wondered if I was ready for motherhood and to stay at home and raise a child. A million thoughts swirled in my mind and I barely slept.

Around 3am I couldn’t stand it anymore and ripped the pregnancy test box open to take the other tests. I waited my three minutes, knowing the results would freak me out either way.

Negative.

Not pregnant.

WHAT?! How can one test say positive and the other say negative? GOOGLE I NEED ANSWERS.

Apparently there are false positives, dye runs and all this other stuff.

I woke up my husband and told him I took the other test and that I wasn’t pregnant. His response was something like ” Thank God” then he rolled over.

I was slightly pissed at him thinking well if it said positive what would he had said? But now, that we are divorced and we never did have a kid together I am so thankful.

I love kids. But that scared the shit out of me. So I am good having a BK, or no kids, or just living with 96 cats.

How To Be A Morning Person | Adultish

I used to always think that you were born a morning person….

Or you weren’t.

But somewhere along the way I felt like I really just needed more hours in the day. Knowing there was no actual way to make this happened I realized waking up earlier than need be could score me a few extra hours in the day! This was not exactly an “easy” thing to do though. Many trail and error experiments and cuss words along the way. Now waking up early (sometimes to my dismay) is second nature to me. So here are my tried and true tips and tricks.

Reward yourself. My reward is coffee. It is the single most important thing to me (sad, I know) and that first sip tastes like heaven with a splash of hopes and dreams. Even if you don’t like coffee, you can still reward yourself. Take an extra long shower. Make yourself a delicious breakfast with all of your new found time. Watch the sunrise- reward enough.

The moment your alarm rings slap it shut. Then when you think about resetting it for a later time or scheduling the snooze option think of all the things that you could be doing if you woke up right now. Wasn’t there a reason you needed to get up early this morning? Are you sacrificing making your lunch for an extra ten minutes of sleep?

Wake up to your favorite radio station or song. I know this might seem silly but I LOVE music and it really motivates me. Sometimes I will just turn on some Celine Dion (because if you didn’t know already I am totally obsessed). True story- a few days ago I belted Celine in my car so loud that I had a physical injury. #SorryNotSorry

Go to sleep earlier. This might sound counterintuitive to “gaining” time, but personally I have the IQ of a vegetable past 8pm and I am useless anyway. Don’t go to sleep at midnight every night and expect your body to not be pissed when you wake it up 5 hours later. Don’t be a jerk to yourself, that’s just wrong.

Have a coffee date. If you skype with a friend in the morning before work, or go meet up with your bestie- you’re less likely to bail on them and you’ll actually get up!

And finally my last token of wisdom is this: weigh it out. Are you accomplishing everything you need to in a day? Are you always late and not put together? Rule number one of being an adult is not to actually have your shit together (impossible) but to strive towards it.

Wishing you luck and caffeine on your newest adventures into becoming a morning person. Adultish tip- Costco has LARGE boxes of coffee and creamer. You. Are. Welcome.