I know, I know, so dramatic… But wowza watching the flowers pour in at work even the day before Valentine’s day got me all emotional… and pissed. And for reasons that I can’t even say I understand- yet here we are, emotional and pissed. Now the weirdest part of this is that it’s not like my husband really did a lot for me when it came to Valentine’s day, or even my birthday for that matter. So I shouldn’t be upset at all, it should really just be another day, another year of not getting something. BUT it just seems like everything is magnified and emotions are high and I just want to walk around with two middle fingers up all day. Too bad that’s not even in the realm of “Professional Behavior”.
Then people who I do tell about how I feel just say that Valentine’s Day just say that it’s “a made up holiday anyway, just don’t think about it”. But it’s not Valentine’s Day I hate, it’s just the reminder that at some point I was in love, and said vows promising to love someone till death do us part- or really until my husband just decided he wanted a divorce and BOOM, marriage over. OY!
But I will just swim in all the Celine Dion songs ever made, eat my own chocolate and wear pink anyway.
Oh, but F-U Valentines Day. J
Then I would say a lot of things that would make you think differently.
Because honestly I have no clue what I am doing in my life. And honestly I almost quit 7 times today. And I want to find some sort of happiness in the day and wine seems like it would do that. I want to go to sleep and have a dance party at the same time. I want to buy all of the things that I have seen lately because society tells me that it brings joy.
But honestly I am just writing a blog, doing laundry and watching my phone blow up about things I don’t care to read. Honestly I won’t drink a sip of wine because I know it doesn’t solve shit. Honestly I am blasting some weird song that has an appreciative amount of bass while contemplating eating nutella for dinner.
And honestly I have succulents and cereal in my trunk, a sock on my table and not a care in the world.
If I am being honest then I have grown so so much. I asked Mom/ Ass Kicker if I could dye my hair black and get my nose pierced. She said no… But I think I would. And maybe get a tattoo. Buy tarot cards, more crystals and a magic 8 ball because it brings me joy.
The journey of finding yourself is really weird when you start to change all over again. Everyday I want to be at the beach and blast music, everyday I want to paint or run 52 miles. I just W A N T so much- and not a person or any particular thing- but experience.
I want to go travel some more this year. I have no upcoming trips planned and I think I need to change that.
Today at work I got so frustrated with a huge project (magically due today) that one of the Program Directors made me tea (she’s British and tea fixes everything). She said if this is you frustrated I would have never known- you’re still calm, quiet and chipper. And it kind of brought me back to reality. No matter what I “feel” has changed about me, it doesn’t change the ME inside. I am still kind, caring and strangely obsessed with English Breakfast tea.
And honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way.