What life is about

You know that feeling when you’re driving and that one catchy AF song comes on. You turn the song up, way up, way way up… and you belt out the words and you do a little shimmy in your seat. The other drivers probably think that you’re crazy- but it’s your song.

You know that feeling when you’ve been at your desk for 7 hours and you’re planning to buy the necessary craft supplies for an excel voodoo doll, then your boss emails back saying “Awesome! Great work!” and you beam with joy, reconsider the voodoo doll and take a walk outside instead.

You know that feeling when you get home and then your phone rings- you took someones keys home and have to run back and return them. You get back to work and a conglomerate of students see you and thank you for whatever it was you did. It was an item on a list for you, a worry in education for them.

You know that feeling when you look outside and see the wind moving branches, and the leaves falling. It cleanses you.

You know that feeling when the kitchen counter is clean, and the house is silent.

You know that feeling when you’re at peace. You meditated, or prayed, or talked to a good friend.

You know that feeling of getting out of your head, away from the duties, drama, lists, demands- and you just breathe.

That’s what life is about, the little things. The small piece of chocolate placed on your desk. The coffee your coworker brought you. The funny memes on facebook. The sweet newborn baby pictures on instagram.

Life is so busy, hectic, chaotic, stressful, dramatic- but remember what it is about. Get out of your head. Go jump on the bed with your kids. Eat fruit roll-ups for dinner. Drive to the store for watermelon just because you want it. Remember where you came from and just breathe.

This is what life is about.

DayQuil and Divorce

There are always more and more things to learn in the course of divorce. Usually these things come up at the most inconvenient times ever, like getting what I think might be the flu- but it’s probably just me dying.

One thing about me is that I am always cold, ALWAYS. Well over the weekend I kept telling Vegas Friend that I was super hot. I would be so hot at night with the air conditioner set to 66 that I still couldn’t sleep. My head hurt for like 3 consecutive days but I chalked it up to the weather and sleep deprivation.

That is until Wednesday at 2am I woke up almost in tears from my head hurting and thought that I would die. I went to work, thinking it was just a migraine day. I didn’t drink my coffee because I wanted to throw up just smelling it. 9am rolled around and all I wanted was ramen noodles (seriously? ehw). I couldn’t even eat the noodles without my throat screaming. There were people all around my cube and just so much noise and talking. I took some medicine and thought okay, meds in; good to go. 11am and I was dying still. I came in to over 200 email after a long weekend and told myself at 150 email count I could go to lunch. Yeah. That never happened. Each email I replied to just got another response and I couldn’t get past 170. So I threw in the towel and went to Vegas Friends for lunch. There was a smores macaroon waiting for me. I pulled in the drive way, turned off the alarm, walked into the kitchen to see the smores macaroon masterpiece (one of my favorite deserts). And then I walked out of the kitchen to go lay down. I was so miserable and I couldn’t sleep so I cut my lunch short and went back to work.

This was just in time for all of the shit to hit the fan at work and then for one of the Program Directors to say “Are you okay?” as she did that-one-mom-thing and used her hand to check my temperature. I got an immediate “go home!”. I still stayed for my 8 hours and then gladly drove home. I took my work clothes off and slipped into pajamas then crawled into bed.

I had to climb out of bed to find some medicine. Then I got in bed in time to realize I needed water to take the medicine. In bed (third times a charm)… ugh forgot to turn the light off. I text my mom ass kicker friend and said “ugh, wish I was married so I didn’t have to get my own medicine.” she was not amused in the least. I slept and slept, and slept some more right into the next work day. Well, with frequent stops to the bathroom. TMI? Neh.

4am came and I was horribly awake. Hot despite having the fan on and covers off. Uncomfortable, achy, stuffy and just generally dying. I text my boss something like “calling in sick- dying”. I slept through mom ass kickers texts. Slept through my email blowing up, and slept through Vegas Friends attempts at communicating. But when I did wake up HOLY MOTHER OF PEARLS I was STARVING. The only thing that sounded remotely appetizing was chicken and rice. But I’ve never made chicken and rice. Is it straight chicken with plain rice? Is it the complicated versions I’ve seen on Pinterest with 28 ingredients? Who knows. I called (legit) 6 or 7 friends to try and figure it out. And then had a sad sad moment in my car leaving the store as I was struggling to open the DayQuil Max Severe Cold and Flu medicine that cost my right arm to buy. Crying because I was sick and lonely and I just needed chicken and rice and I didn’t know how to cook it. Ugh. I thought about calling my mother in law. I know I could have called her and she probably would have made it and delivered it for me. But that felt wrong. And then it hit me of how alone I felt. Divorce does this weird thing where everything is so wonderful and then BAM you remember you’re husband left you and it begins to consume you again.

I think that’s the hardest part about divorce- it is never over. There will always be reminders or days you’re sick and need chicken and rice. The kind of personality I have I just want to fix it. Make it better. But I can’t. I can only decide how to react when those emotions and thoughts come to me. I choose to look at the bright side (ie- I might have felt dead, but wasn’t actually dead). Divorce is like getting over the loss of a loved one- and in essence that’s basically what it is. The death of a plan and a dream, the death of your most intimate relationship. So you can expect to go through the grieving periods. The highs and the lows, and pay special attention to the already emotional times of life. Like holidays, anniversaries, valentines, birthdays… or you know, when you’re sick. 

 

Get your life together

My friend who works upstairs and I always joke and say “get your life together!” so much so that we are working on matching shirts. This could mean that when she trips down the stairs (bahahah, so funny!) or when my desk is a mess we instantly snap “god, get your life together!”. But then with the new year she and I talked about how were going to actually get our life together. I mean, she failed on like day 6 and I failed on day 8- so we aren’t doing the best of jobs, but hey- we have our whole life!

We talk about finances mostly, she and I are very similar in our financial views. She has this MASSIVE truck that cost her a kidney to buy, and a kitten that tries daily to burn her house down. I have this thing called a pending divorce, new bills, car payment and a life that I don’t know what to do with. We are seriously screwed in the whole “getting life together” aspect.

Yet we always try. We check in every few days with a simple skype message at work that says “still suck at life?” and one of us usually says yep! And then rants about how much coffee is too much coffee (the limit does not exist) and cries about our unread email count.

I have to wonder with all of the chasing we do, be it for a new job, bigger savings, healthy habits…. when do we find joy? (besides watching our friends fall down stairs, thats just an added bonus of clumsy friends). In my marriage I felt like I was constantly looking for joy. I was always waiting to get off work, then waiting til my husband got home, then waiting for bed, and then waiting for morning…. and then it just continued. All we do is wait for the next thing and we don’t enjoy what we are in.

Example…

I just took a 4 day weekend and spent it with Vegas Friend. Granted, conditions were less than ideal and I was ill most of the time, but I just kept wanting to go home. We even said we couldn’t wait to leave. Then we left and I got in my car to come home and I missed being away- what the fuck?! I just bitched about wanting to come home, and now that I am home I want to be gone again?? I bother myself sometimes…

I think a big lesson to learn is how to be happy in every moment. That’s when it’s all about the little things.

I came home to 8 boxes of fruit roll-ups waiting my consumption. Yum.

Diffusing essential oils makes my heart so happy.

It rained today and it cleansed the day.

Bath and Body Works had a massive sale, buy 3 get 3 free- and I am now set for life on my favorite perfume.

The light/dusty/calm pink color makes me feel at peace.

Silky robes are a dream, so are fuzzy ones.

There is nothing like your favorite pajamas.

Coffee is my soul mate.

Clean laundry never gets old.

Instead of thinking how I have 211 unread work email and obsessing over the raccoon that quite possibly lives in my purse, I think about these things. I call them the 10 positives. Ass Kicker Mom and I text our 10 positives every morning. It’s a way to center your thoughts and channel your energy towards the positive things in life.

When you look for the positives in life, and seek out the good- it really does help you get your life together. You don’t become so freakishly focused on the shitty things, or the things out of your control. Instead you hold yourself accountable to picking 10 things in your whirlwind life and choose to see the positive.

 

17 Things I Learned in 2017- Without Dying

This was quite the extreme year. It started off in our first home as newlyweds with the cutest puppy of life. And now I am sitting on the floor of the room I rent shoveling Nutella in my pie hole waiting on an email from the lawyer stating the divorce is final. Oh- and that Nutella? The money I got from selling my wedding rings funded that grocery trip. Savage. But even with all of this, it was just another year and I didn’t die from any of the craziness. BRING ON 2018!

1.Outlook is everything. 

You always have two choices, be grateful for what you have and try to see the positive, or be an asshole about everything and be miserable. It really is that simple.

2.You will never regret saving money

The single smartest thing you can do is save your money. Save for your car registration that’s 4 months away, save for your phone you broke for the 6th time, save in case you lose your job. Saving NOW, saves your ass later.

3.Alcohol is not your friend

I mean, yeah. It tastes good. And you two have a good time. And.. okay it might be your friend, but it definitely won’t help you reach your goals or solve life problems. So don’t search for answers in red solo cups.

4.Depression is real

It’s not something you can “just get over”. It’s not a button you can switch on and off.

5.The answer is always yes to snacks

“Should I bring a snack in my purse?” YES. “Should I bring a granola bar just in case?” YES. Don’t be hangry when you can prevent it.

6.Unless you want to be stranded and out of gas because you didn’t fill your tank up, never go below a quarter of a tank ever (again) in your life. 

7.Not everyone wants you to be happy. 

And that’s okay.

8.You are in charge of your happiness. 

It’s not your job, or your nice things. Your relationships shouldn’t be the sole provider of happiness. Look for the joyous things in every day life and choose to keep those in the forefront of your mind.

9.Modest is hottest. 

Okay, I didn’t just learn this… I’m basically a 76 year old woman in the way I dress. But take pride in your body and don’t let everyone see what is yours.

10.When all else fails, take a shower. 

Nobutseriously…. Showers have this way of cleansing our soul and our mind. Next time you’re stuck in your head or having a bad day take a shower. Let the warm water surround you, listen to it fall, let it renew you. Then when you’re ready, get out and get your shit together.

11.Give time time.

Time has a way of healing almost everything. You just have to give time time.

12.Keep life simple. 

Keep your drama minimal, keep your friends close, keep your room clean. Keep everything in it’s simplest form and you will feel free.

13.Memes and coffee

Sometimes you just need to sit down with your coffee and scroll through memes for a few minutes. Get your mind off your crazy life, and spew coffee out of your nose when you find your new favorite meme.

14.Anything that costs your peace is too expensive.

15.Your soul is your compass

If you’re aching, ask your soul why.  When you’re aching and broken it’s usually because you’ve starved your soul. So pray, or do yoga. Go pound on your mom/ass kickers door and eat all of the cookies she just made. Sniff essential oils or drive around with your favorite song turned all the way up. Always turn inwards to check in on your soul.

16.Just do it 

Nike totally had the right idea. The key to getting what you want is to just do it. If you want to start a blog, or save, or buy a car, or travel- just do it! Find a way, make a plan, and do it!

17.There is no such thing as a “bad year”. 

If we keep trying to quantify the shitty-ness of 2017 versus 2016, and how they will compare to 2018 we will completely miss the point! The point is every single year there are ups and downs. You can’t possibly expect only sunshine and rainbows. But you can choose your mindset, you can embark on your goals, save a bunch of money and prepare to be better off this year than last. You can take everything you’ve learned and channel it into something positive.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ARandomConglomerateOfWords

 

I am alone on Christmas. Like uber alone- no gifts, waking up to an empty house and replaying a few years ago when I was being proposed to. This is kind of a shitty time for me.

I have neglected Adultish for a few weeks because I have been so incredibly in my mind.

I had a dream last night that I was at the beach, I was laying in the sand soaking in the warm sun, listening to the waves- it was legit. In this dream I fell asleep on the beach and came to a place of complete peace. Extreme meditation or an out of body experience- dream inhibited. I woke up pretty impressed with my subconscious. Then a few hours into the day I found my self super nauseas, emotional and with a splitting headache. I cried and cried… and cried some more. The kind of crying where tears just fly out of your eyeballs and you can almost physically feel the amount of emotional pain that you are in. Ugly crying for sure.

Ass Kicker mom said in her kindest, most loving way, go get up and do something and you’ll stop crying. So I took a shower, I mean, I still cried in the shower, but only for a small while. I let the water run off of my face and stood there. I didn’t wash my hair, or my body. I just stood in silence and let the warmth surround me. Heaven. It’s one of the most amazing things how showers can heal us.

Maybe that’s what my dream was telling me- I need a recharge. I need to get my head out of work, out of all my issues, out of my divorce, away from the messages from my ex… I need to stop. Stop my mind, my worries, my fears. I need to find myself.

Coincidentally I was just watching Pitch Perfect last night where the whole Bellas team went on a “retreat” to find their voice… that should have been my subtle warning… but instead I didn’t listen and ended up with swollen eyeballs and snot everywhere. YUM.

Ass Kicker mom keeps mentioning writing down goals for 2018. I have been blatantly ignoring her pleas because of my negative mindset. Who says 2018 is going to be any different than 2017? Who says I am going to stick to these goals? I can’t even commit to washing my hair every day! (Yet again another shout out to dry shampoo, you’re the real MVP).

But (dammit lady) mom’s right, I just need to write my goals out. Strive for something good this year. I mean crap, I have done SO MUCH in just the past 6 months.

Oy….. Why are mom’s always right?

 

It’s Okay To Suck At Life & Here’s Why

Just in case you somehow missed it- I am not perfect. And I won’t post “I woke up like this” pictures with flawless skin and angel kissed hair. Cause reality is I am breaking out like a mofo and my hair has daily rats nest due to my 4 inches of split ends. Welcome to reality.

I won’t be “Instagram Worthy” in my work outfits, most of them I pull off of the not-dirty-enough-for-the-hamper-not-clean-enough-for-the-closet chair in my bedroom that I vow to keep clear and never do. My friends dog peed on my shoe and I stuck it in the washer- the sole is coming unglued and sticks to my foot now, but I don’t give a fudge. Everyday my keurig screams at me to put “more water please” and I only put enough for that day cause I’m too time crunched (lazy) to fill it all the way. I really have had cookies for breakfast the past three mornings, and I have a paper due in 4 hours that I haven’t even started, and I am writing a blog instead.

We call this “sucking at life”… but really, I just call it life.

Because if I actually had my shit together and all of my clothes were clean and put away (hah! yeah right..) and my homework was done and I didn’t just eat a cupcake off the floor then I would be so bored in life.

If my job was actually perfect and my homework was always caught up- I would never have a feeling of satisfaction-  because perfection would be the norm.

If my car was clean (and didn’t have a rogue french fry jammed between the middle console and driver seat) then I would never feel accomplished after it was scrubbed with a dish sponge to pure clean perfection.

I suck at life. In A LOT of ways. I got divorced, I piss people off all the time, I am a Grinch during Christmas and a saint during Halloween. And it’s totally okay, because when things do go right, and life actually aligns a bit I am so much more grateful.

We will never be Instagram worthy, or pinterest-make-up-tutorials in real life- that would be a boring AF life. Instead, let’s suck a little bit more, and embrace the mistakes, so that we can actually, truly cherish the good in life.

 

My Response: My Marriage Failed, And Your Opinion About That Doesn’t Count

I am new to this divorce thing, seeing as how mine is final in 25 days. But what I am not new to is the immense judgement that comes with “divorce”. The week my divorce made headline news at work (ugh) people would ask “how long were you married?” as if to quantify my pain with time married and see if they equated to something noteworthy. Or “Why are you getting a divorce, have you tried counseling?” infinite eye rolls.

Mom Ass Kicker sent me this article today My Marriage Failed, And Your Opinion About That Doesn’t Count and Heather LeRoss said it so plainly “The ‘reasons’ for divorce don’t matter”. There is not an emotional richter scale where x reason equals y amount of hurt or pain. Divorce is divorce. It’s the end of what you planned. It’s the death of an entire life you’ve crafted.

I thought about the scale of “starting over”. Everything my ex husband and I did was for our future. We bought a house so we would be more financially stable. Once we got the house we got a kid friendly dog, chosen specifically for it’s demeanor with children. We wanted to have the dog for a few years before we had kids. We planned to remodel the house to add additional rooms for said imaginary kids. We had a savings for incidentals and planned how exactly we were going to do everything. And then it was over.

Divorce is not easy, or quick. Divorce really is LeRoss’ example of carry around a glass bowl that just gets heavier and heavier and then watching it fall and being left to pick up the glass pieces. And you know you will cut yourself on the glass, you know you will be inured and it will suck and hurt. But you can’t tip toe around glass just hoping not to get cut… that would be exhausting. So you pick up the shards of glass that look a lot like old dog pictures, engagement memorabilia, your wedding bouquet. And you chuck them in the trash and make new plans, for the new you, and the new life you’ve created.

If there is one thing trying to be adultish has taught me it’s that you get up, shake it off, and go kick ass all over again.

As LeRoss said “to all those who say, “Well, I’m entitled to my opinion,” kindly suggest since they are so entitled, they should keep it all to themselves”.