A Wrinkle In Time | Depression

Vegas Friend, BK and I just watched a Wrinkle In Time. Not going to lie- the movie was a little trippy- but I mean, OPRAH is IN the movie- so I, personally, had to watch it. I am not sure what I thought the movie would be about- but BK wanted to watch it and that’s enough for Vegas Friend and I to jump on board.

So the gyst of this movie is that theres a girl with a scientist father who goes missing for four years. ON the four year anniversary of him dissapearing she meets The Misses and goes on a journey to find her father, herself, and basically the meaning of life in a way. Now- what gets me is that her dad is trapped in The It. The It is described as the darkest place in the universe- there is no light-not even the misses can go.

The It is the root source of jealousy, anger, resentment, sadness, manipulation- all of these things. When the girl goes into the journey leading to her father, and to The It, one of the misses gives her “the gift of her thoughts”. (I know, of all the gifts a mysticaly flower turning misses could give you, she gives you your own thoughts- lame).

But it is when she is inside The It that she is faced with lies, anxiety, sadness, self doubt, depressive memories- until she remembers her thoughts, her reality. The entire movie all I could think of was how The It was the symbol of depression in the world. You see, if we are not careful we become consumed by looks, grades, other peoples thoughts of us. These things spiral out of control until we believe them as our own personal truths, as our own thoughts.

The Misses taught the girl that if she looked inward, focused on the light, the positive, the truth she would always win over The It.

Isn’t that so true in life? If we could make a conscious decision to stop the anxious worries or self depreciating thoughts we could rule over depression, rule over the black cloud that can easily consume us.

 

Been Being.

It’s been almost two weeks since I’ve published a blog. Cray cray. I feel like I haven’t had much to write on lately. The days are whirlwind fast. My new depression/ anxiety medicine hasn’t fully kicked in and some days are rocky; lots of conscious decisions to be present and positive. I kept thinking “I need to write a blog” but still nothing.

I have just been “being”.

Living with stacked books next to my bed as my new night stand. Fairy lights permanently on. Hair masks for days, endless smoothies and water.

Coffee in cute cups, roses hanging to dry from everywhere in my place. Practicing yoga hardcore and mastering some amazingly satisfying moves.

Listening to music at all times of the day, bathing in lavender essential oils and soaking in the beating sun.

I have just been “being”. And I highly recommend it.

Life Hurts| Adultish

I used to think that when I got older that things would be easier. You grow up, get a better job and make lots of money. But with age comes more expensive things- and there goes all that money. I used to think that as a grown up things would be easier- maybe relationships would become easier. I could be around who I wanted and spend my time wisely with the people I cherished. But with getting older also comes disease, cancer, heart attacks…

This is a part of life that I have never dealt with before. But it is indeed a part of “adulting”. And it hurts. 

Everything hurts. My friends hurt, and my family hurts, their friends and family hurt- I hurt.

The hurt that feels like your organs are being ripped right from your body and all you can do in return is cry with the intensity that things are being ripped from your body.

The hurt that at some point turns into complete numbness- knowing that things *should* affect you, but you’re so affected that it all melts into one huge  whole body all consuming numbness.

Maybe the “adulting” part is that you still go to work, you still pay your bills and work on huge projects and just live with the extreme numbing pain until it goes away. Maybe you “fake it till you make it”. Or maybe your me and you go white as a ghost when you get the news, you sit down and just think “fuck”.

because at this point that is all there is left to say.

fuck.

fuck death and cancer and everything that comes with it.

and fuck parole board people and remembering your childhood.

fuck divorces that will never end and work that will never slow down.

but mostly fuck that picture in our head- the one that makes you think life should be perfect and that we should never have a down moment.

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How To Spring Clean Your Life| Adultish

Being that we are a few days into spring and it has stopped raining- it’s time for a Spring Blog!

Usually when we think about Spring Cleaning we think about washing the curtains and dusting ceiling fans. We don’t usually think about the season changeWhenever the seasons change I like to take that as a chance to revamp, and get my life together post-winter, pre-spring style.

Spring cleaning your life can be broken down into three categories.

First, there is the actual cleaning part.

I like to take this time to open the windows and get some fresh air in. Let all the winter feels fly out the window (literally), put some tunes on and clean your nasty house ya filthy animal. This is basically my GYST routine on crack. Of course I always wash dishes and do laundry- but I have found a few things that really make my space feel springy.

  • Change your curtains/ curtain rod- no really, makes a HUGE difference
  • Dust. Try not to think of this as a chore but more of a symbolic representation of cleaning a season away, and welcoming a new one.
  • Rearrange/ redecorate. I find myself doing this quite frequently just because I love it. Moving one piece of furniture can revamp the look of your place.
  • Change your sheets/ decorative pillows or pillow cases
  • Invest in a carpet rake– so random I know but it’s totally a miracle worker. (Take it from a flooring installers ex-wife who knows a thing or two.)
  • And probably my all time favorite- change your homes scent- I alternate between Scentsy and using my diffuser with essential oils. To each their own.

Second part of spring cleaning your life is planning. #PlanAllTheThings

Like I said, I really look at each season change as basically a new start. And you already know I love new beginnings! I plan my finances for the next few months, solidify any trips (hint hint/wink wink) make my doctors appointments. I reevaluate where I am with my goals for the year/ for my life- any and everything that’s future-focused. Even my car (who I named Molly because- well. She looks like a Molly) got on the band wagon of new beginnings because my service required light came on and I had to get an oil change and tire rotation- Molly’s always looking out for me/ taking all my money. Even more things I will do (depending on my motivation).

  • Organize my dresser and closet
  • Purge clothes I haven’t worn/ won’t wear
  • Make a spring dream board of my short term goals for the next few months
  • Change my phone lock screen. I know this sounds weird- but- change sparks joy and even if you only change your phones lock screen you will be surprised at the impact it will make

Last but not least is lifestyle.

Guess whats after Spring… can anyone guess? SUMMER!! And I may or may not have a super exciting trip around the corner that you’re going to lose your mind about need to get my mind and body ready for summer again. So that means I need to really hunker down on my runs, workouts, and yoga. I also lump a ton of beauty stuff in this category you could do in here too…

  • Get your haircut
  • Get a facial or do a home facial
  • Get a massage/ go float/ go to the chiropractor
  • Revamp your workout routine
  • Do all the masks- face, hair, skin masks. Never too many masks.
  • Change your meditation/ yoga/ workout space

I hope that you will give these tips/tricks/hacks/ weird things I do a try. Personally I love season changes and all that is to come with them. I am also filled with too much coffee and not enough sleep- so it could be that too.

Happy Spring!

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When Your Entire Life Is From Amazon| Adultish

So it’s no secret at all that California is one of the most expensive places to live. Expensive like a studio apartment where your neighbor sells crack is $900/ month. Moving out here I was 18 and going to live with my aunt and uncle rent free so I really didn’t even think about the cost of living. Even when I moved out and lived with my husband and we had a mortgage- I still didn’t think about how expensive it was because he made enough money and it wasn’t a concern. But then with the divorce and me moving out to rent a room- I was basically mind blown.

Thankfully- the place I moved into right after the divorce was furnished because I had ZERO money in my account. #DivorcedLife. BUT– where I just recently moved into was NOT furnished. I ended up searching Amazon for basically everything on my lunch breaks at work. I bought a bed that came in a box- that Vegas Friend helped me put together, as well as a bed frame that lets you have storage underneath and also makes it to where you don’t have to buy a box spring. Both of these were really affordable (other wise I would be sleeping on the floor!) and I like that whenever I do move next- neither one are too heavy for me to move. I do have a 9 cube storage thingy that I love, and a crap ton of fairy lights for ambiance. My pillows, comforter and even my keurig is from Amazon. I legit eat sleep and breathe amazon.

If there’s one thing about me it’s that I love to shop. Like it’s an actual issue and I probably need help it is what it is and I can stop anytime I want to. I have never been one to go to Nordstrom or (trying to think of another expensive store but I legit don’t know because I don’t go……) fancy stores. Ross/ Marshalls/ TJ Maxx/ Walmart- those are my JAM. But considering I didn’t start driving until I was 23, I couldn’t physically GO to those stores but once every now and again.

This is when my obsession with Amazon happened… I was at Ross one day and found the CUTEST pair of pointy toe flats NOT IN MY SIZE. Since I work at a University and walk around a lot- I am not about to wear heals. I looked the brand up on Amazon and they legit make every color imaginable and I own almost all of them now. Whooops! They are just cute, simple and comfortable and I get a surprising amount of compliments on them- and then “What? Really?!” when people find out where I got them. Hehe!

So once I knew that Amazon had most everything in the world I started to use it to my advantage. My depression medicine has one beautiful side effect- hair loss. YAY. So I went to Ulta upon recommendation. Now- here’s the thing about Ulta and I. I have never walked out of that store spending less that $300. It does not happen. It’s impossible. I legit can’t even go to the grocery store that’s in the same shopping center as Ulta because I do not trust myself. But I did go in that one day and bought Eprouvage shampooleave in, the serum and a mask. CHA-CHING. Only to realize that it’s CHEAPER on Amazon. I will say I have never been true to any shampoo/ conditioner- but this stuff is awesome. I have a good amount of my coworkers hooked on this because it smells so good. The serum in particular has helped my hair grow back. The leave in conditioner had me sold when I used it on BKs friends hair after swimming. Oh, and a bonus for you- if you love the Hempz lotion as much as I do- it’s stupidly cheaper on Amazon than in any other store I’ve ever seen.

But wait there’s more… I bought the CUTEST wireless mouse (in rose gold of course) for work and a (rose gold) mouse pad also (from Amazon duhhhh). The wired mouse I had only had a foot of wire that wasn’t tangled with every other wire and I was so close to smashing it against a wall everyday. And the metal mouse pad? Yeah- I kind of get freaked out that the fabric ones get all dirty and I like that I can lysol this.. Yes, I need help- I know.

And then maybe my favorite Amazon find is this retractable car charger thingy. It coils up so you don’t have an ugly cord just chilling and most people who ride in my car end up getting one because I tell them they can’t have mine. Lol.

I don’t know what it is with me and Amazon- but it’s probably one of my biggest life hacks ever. It’s convenient, most things are cheaper, you don’t lose receipts- AND. If you want to buy something but are waiting for it to go on sale- put it in your cart. Almost always about 3 days later it’s on sale.

#You’reWelcome #GottaGoShopOnAmazonNow #ThisIsAnAffiliatedPost #ButTheShampooIsBomb

 

 

 

Not Getting Divorced

I guess I should have known that this was going to happen.

It seemed really obvious from how things went in the beginning.

There have been so many on and off again struggles with this divorce.

My divorce STILL is not final. I got the email from his lawyer yesterday letting us know that the judge still had not signed the papers- still married, going on a year of trying to get a divorce. At this rate it seems as if I we are not EVER getting divorced. I will be 78 years old with fourty-seven plants and still be married to him.

#LifeGoals #ThePlantsNotTheMarriedPart

He and I are amicable. We don’t argue anymore and if ever I want to see the puppy he always lets me.

So it’s not that I want to be divorced because I am grouchy with him- not at all. It’s mostly just for the sake of taxes and because of financial aid for school.

It does feel weird though, because even though we aren’t legally divorced yet, if people ask if I am married, I tell them “oh no, I’m divorced”. “Divorced” seems to be the dirty “D” word now. Where people hear you say DIVORCED as if it’s the key phrase of a Satan chant and everyone looks at you like the “D Word” is contagious. I find it especially interesting when people find out I am going through a divorce because I look much younger than I am- and as if (to some) divorce isn’t bad enough, now I’m SIXTEEN and divorced. Eye. Rolls. All. Day.

But he and I actually spoke not too long ago. I called him to basically say thanks for the divorce- which I know is SO WEIRD. But I grew so much from it- and I am really happy in my life. And I think and hope that he is happy too. Both of our lives are going in completely different directions, and I am reminded with every new step he takes in his life how much I enjoy mine.

It is a smidge weird though- I won’t lie. To be nonchalant with a man you were in love with and share a bed with. The man who saw you at your everything. Aaaand, now you guys are just random people who sometimes need signatures or over the phone approvals to switch names over.

Somethings in life are just weird and freaky- and I think that’s all there is to it. So maybe in another 6 months/ year I will post again and actually be divorced.

But don’t hold your breath 😊

 

 

 

Parole Hearing & Forgiveness | Adultish

To say that “I don’t want to write this blog” would be a complete and utter understatement. I might actually rather be caught on fire (okay, not really.. but you get my point). I guess I knew this was coming. I knew it from three years ago. And yet BOOM- I’m all emotional and contemplating life like it’s my hobby.

You see – Sperm Donor (my “dad” ((just threw up a bit)) ) is eligible for parole right now. And every time this happens I get to have an interview with the parole board. I don’t think I mind this- I don’t think this is what bothers me. But the idea that I am “playing God” definitely does bother me.

And I suppose what bothers me MOST is that EDF is also interviewing. Last time this happened she went out of her way to make sure he was not released. Petitions, letters, crazy stuff that I legit don’t have the time for. Or the desire. Nor the fucks to give. And it makes me feel as if she fights so hard for her way that mine doesn’t even matter.

I want to be true to me in the process here- I want to not lose myself or be changed by anger. And “me” can’t even kill an earth worm. I legit saved two of them just the other day. I can’t get rid of a plant that’s dying because to me it’s murder. And- yes, I know I sound totally crazy. But I grew up with constant hurt so as an adult I detest the idea.

Harboring unforgiveness is toxic to your soul. It’s poison. Unforgiveness robs your joy, steals your happiness. I filled my morning with podcasts on forgiveness. One thing stuck out the most- forgiving someone doesn’t mean you go out to dinner with them, or have sleep overs. It just means you’ve forgiven them. It just means you’ve let go of the poison in your heart and you’re not as impacted by the situation anymore.

I want to know that I was true to myself and my values the entire time. It’s not up to non-earth-worm-killing-me if he is released on parole. It’s up to the parole board and some guy Fred. I think I realized this morning that just because I have forgiven him, doesn’t make everything rainbows and lollipops. Whenever he gets out I will have to deal with whatever emotions come my way. But I do know I will come to work, drink tons of coffee, decorate and redecorate my place and continue life as we know it.

Because truly I only have 5 fucks to give each day, and not one of them is for this.