When You Have A Bonus Kid

So this is a topic I never touch on because I feel like it is way too personal and incriminating to the aliases I have made on my blog. But I have written many blogs that explain what happens when you have a “Bonus Kid” and just never published them. Welp- that’s all changing now.

You see, when Vegas Friend and I started to become “closer friends” we kept Bonus Kid out of everything. BK didn’t know about me, we weren’t around with each other and it was a non issue. Now from my past blogs you will know that I had an interesting upbringing and that has made me a very “Child Sensitive Minded” person- if that’s a thing. I am always very receptive to kids feelings and very in-tuned with what they are trying to say. I am very empathetic by nature, and maybe more so with kids.

So here we are. Vegas Friend and Bonus Kid, my new “normal” that feels so weird. Weird because I am #not trying to be Bonus Kids mom, and they know that. Weird because I am zero percent qualified to even drive a kid around with me- yet I do. This is a whole new experience of “kid” that I have never known.

I didn’t know I could love a kid that wasn’t mine, or have the school calendar memorized of Bonus Kids days off. I didn’t know there would ever be a time of me looking at a report card and being super proud- Bonus Kid isn’t just a silly goober, but a SMART silly goober.

That’s kind of the thing about “Bonus Kids”. They are the bonus to your relationship. The provide humor, random outbursts about how much they have to pee, ladle in twenty pound of garlic “accidentally” and leave crumbs all over the place. And then they leave and you miss them. Bonus in the sense that I can hardly stand most other peoples kids, minus good friends, and I actually like this one!

Bonus because I have learned SO MUCH through Bonus Kid, and I get to show BK new things, like art, or planting, or playing scrabble (although, have you ever played scrabble with a kid?! I am not sure I advise. Lol).

One huge lesson is that I usually have the patience of a saint with BK. I am never upset, never annoyed or frustrated. BK is a kid, and I am pretty good at remembering that. EXCEPT, for when I am not good at it. We had a “long” day of a lot of highs and lows. The day started off GREAT, and then I started not to feel 100%. I was really irritable and grouchy. Well, turns out Kids sense EVERYTHING. And by 7 or so at night and the longest day of life, BK inadvertently throwing plants towards my eyeballs and then just being hangry- something happened. I was so agitated and uncomfortable I just got up and went inside.

I just wanted to shower the plants and day off of me and get ready to go out to dinner. Vegas Friend and BK were a little surprised because I have never just gotten up and walked away before. I went in to shower and Vegas Friend came in. I was sitting on the shower floor, Uber upset because I just let BK know I was frustrated. Well, turns out BK started crying because she thought I was mad at her, and then I felt like total garbage. So I went in to talk to her. It took me back to being a kid and when my grandma would be upset with me. I would get so wrapped up in my feelings I would just start to cry. BK said, you’re always so calm and you always take my side and make me laugh, and tonight you just walked away. So pause here, and just hear my heart shatter in a million pieces. Yep. I felt like a TOTAL ASS. I just explained we all have good days and bad days, and as an adult I should be able to handle my emotions better, and that I was sorry. We talked for an hour on her bed while Vegas Friend was dying of starvation on the couch- then went to have steak. And steak fixes everything.

I don’t totally know if there’s a point to this blog, or a lesson to take away. But props to the actual moms with the actual kids who do this on the daily. A Bonus Kid is hard enough.

My New Place Ft. Vegas Friend

You know how some people say that if you put something out into the universe that it is more likely to happen? Well I guess it’s true! After the divorce bomb dropped I just needed a place to stay and ASAP. Affordable and safe were my only two criteria. Then as time went along and I started to grow more into who I am now I began to really crave my own space. If I could swing it financially (I live in SoCal…. Real estate here is insane) I would have my own two bedroom apartment… However I am not rich so that was not an option. But I did know I wanted a place to call home, something that was private, judgement free and gave me the freedom to do what I wanted when I wanted.

So, 27 days into the new year that’s exactly what I found! Now the humorous thing here is that in December I had a magic 8 ball at Mom/Ass Kickers house and it said I was going to be moving. Thinking I should buy a magic 8 ball for all of life’s questions now.

A friend of mine told me about this place that she knew was for rent. I went to see it and right after called Mom/Ass Kicker, practically screaming “IT’S PERFECT!!!”. Later that same night I stayed at Vegas Friends house and explained all of this to him (ps, if you haven’t figured it out, Vegas Friend is a “him”). I think he met me with normal apprehension, making sure I thoroughly thought all of this through and wasn’t making a rash decision- he’s good at that.

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So then I was left to tell my roommate, which you can read about here. And buy a bed, a spatula, and eighty-five other things I didn’t know I needed until I realized you basically can’t function without them.

All of Saturday I spent going back and forth between old house and new house, loading my car up and trekking my belongings up the steepest stairs known to man. Sunday I made eleventy-million (yes, it’s a number) trips to everywhere to buy last minute items and unpacked the last of my things in anticipation for the work week.

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My car has stuff all over it- I have never had a dirty car. I have milk, sandwich makings, and coffee creamer in my fridge. But hey- my entire “house” is decorated! Excluding the kitchen cause it’s ugly and I am not set on what I will do with it yet.

Vegas Friend came over Sunday night before we went to dinner to check out my new Home Sweet Home. He did a somewhat safety inspection, told me to get a new lock for my door and generally approved- then laughed at the kitchen.

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This feeling is amazing though. Having my own space. Being responsible for only me, never having to talk to anyone else. It’s magical!

 

 

Divorce Update| Adultish is Moving Out

It’s 3AM right now on the third night in a row of  not sleeping. The first night I didn’t sleep because I was stressed an emotional. Cried and cried. The second night I couldn’t sleep because all I could think about was how many spatulas one person might need. The third night, well. Half of my room is disseminated, piles for trash and giveaway, making sure I have everything.

I am moving even closer to work (as if I wasn’t close already). I am moving into *basically* my own place. The owners took one incredibly large master bedroom and put a wall up, then created a kitchen. Full size fridge and everything. I have my own bathroom, own pantry- it’s all mine… by myself.

And while I can’t say I’m not freakishly excited, it also feels “wrong” in a way. I have never been completely by myself before. It’s definitely a stepping stone in adulting. I am some kind of  “scared” or something. I have house sat before and I love it- everythings quiet and all mine. My roommate frequently goes on trips and I am home alone. But this is different. This is my own space, my own stuff.

The place (definitely need to think of a name for my new home… any suggestions??) isn’t furnished- which, keeping with the theme of positivity, is good! It gives me a chance to buy my own furniture (gradually though, I am already freaking out about the fact I don’t own towels or a single spatula). Vegas Friend has an air mattress I will be sleeping on for a few weeks (maybe two… I just don’t have the courage to buy a bed.. I don’t think).

This also means a whole new budget! Yay!

I am so incredibly excited. I have learned a lot by living here with my roommate. The basis of being a grown up and paying rent. Telling her I was moving out was hard. I cried just because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, but as she said, it’s a time to spread my wings. (Insert anxious persons mind here: SPREAD MY WINGS? I AM NOT A BIRD, I DO NOT HAVE WINGS, WHAT AM I DOING DOING BIRD THINGS?!?!?!)

Vegas Friend has an extra set of silverware and plates, AssKicker Mom has a surplus of towels I can have. A friend at work has a dresser. It’s all coming together quite smoothly. Now granted, I don’t have a spatula, knife, cutting board, heater, bath mat, oven mitts and like 30 other super important things- but that’s okay.

Now, as far as the divorce…. You’re going to get a kick out of this. You know how some questions just can’t be sugar coated? Mhhkay…

I text my ex randomly last week saying exactly this “so, are we divorced yet?”

Insert seal laugh/clapping here. I didn’t do it to be mean! Like how else was I supposed to ask that? I think his response was “I think so” (sidenote: love how neither of us know). I guess we are waiting on the judge or some garbage that his lawyer promised would be done over a month ago.

Considering the possibly-maybe-could-be-slightly-divorced box I now check at the doctors office, I did a thing. I made a “Divorce Party” registry on Target, listed those stinking spatulas and even a salt and pepper shaker (because I don’t even have that… bahahahha). Which I am not going to lie, the last time I did a registry was for my wedding. But when the bomb dropped I only packed my clothes and hair products (duh) and left EVERY SINGLE THING THERE. Stinker has a crockpot I bet he never uses.

I am excited for what all of this means for Adultish. Basically, I am going to learn a stink-ton more of life lessons- and you guys get to hear all about it! Just don’t let me sell my kidney when things get rough, okay? Cause I have already looked up the price.

 

7 Ways to Survive When You’re Barely Alive| Adultish

I got inspired to write this after I sent off my ten positives to Mom/Ass Kicker (if you don’t know what I am talking about click here). I was laughing at the half-ass things I have learned that have made me *seem* like I know what I am doing- but I TOTALLY DO NOT. And then it made me think about all of the things that I have figured out within the past eight-ish months or so.

First things first, COFFEE. My life would be nothing with out coffee. Between post-divorce insomnia and an anxious mind I rarely sleep and if it weren’t for coffee I don’t think I would even manage to put my shoes on the right feet. This is also what helped me get my Starbucks Gold card in… uhm… no time flat.

Plan Ahead- this is one of those things that you do not want to do- but once you do it just once or twice you learn the value of it. Example: setting out your clothes the night before. I always want to just climb in bed and go to sleep- but then I realize that when I don’t set my clothes out the night before I end up with a tornado of clothes, running late for work, and ultimately stressed. Planning ahead can be as simple as setting your clothes out/ meal planning/ anything that promotes simplicity.

Dry shampoo- it is your friend, your best friend. Home girl does NOT have time to do my hair everyday, and survey says washing your hair everyday isn’t healthy for it- so dry shampoo yourself up and gain some more time in your life. Conversely- shave your head. I have thought about it. #noshame

Live by the “one touch” rule. Basically this is where instead of coming home from work and putting your coat, keys, bag, phone all on the couch “to move later” you just put it away. This might seem like more work than what you want to do- but the alternative is a messy AF house with shit everywhere and you being uber overwhelmed.

Life a life of simplicity, especially if you’re basically dead to begin with. Go back to basics- clean up your living environment, minimize, sort through the things that are clouding your mind and your life and embrace only the things that bring you joy #ThanksKonMari. When you do this there is a feeling of relief, a weigh lifted off your shoulder knowing you’re not stepping over shit you don’t need, emotionally or physically.

Devote one day to GYSTing. I talk about this a lot on Adultish mainly because it’s how I survive. I pick one day, usually Sunday to fill up my car, do my laundry, restock coffee, ensure I have enough creamer for the week, clean out my car and anything else that was neglected over the week. In doing this you never get overtly behind in anything.

Develop a routine. A night routine/GYST routine/ morning routine- develop any sort of regimented protocol you can follow to help with getting your life in order. Doing so helps ensure that you get what needs to be done done and routines are just all around good for your soul. Develop a “self care” routine. Journal, meditate, listen to your favorite radio station getting ready, collect crystals- do something that feeds your soul, especially when it is already feeling depleted.

And as always, if you don’t know what will feed your soul, if you don’t have routines set in place that work for you, or if you just plain old don’t even know where to start- just go stalk the blogs I have written. I learned a crap ton of hard lessons- so maybe I could spare you of some.

 

 

 

Adultish’s Crash Course in Budgeting- Dave Ramsey Style

This blog is brought to you in part by divorce, learning to survive your twenties and the inevitable mental breakdown.

I “grew up” really fast. I would say my childhood was completed by the time of 8, and then it was all about responsibility. I always had a really good cushion in life though when it came to my living situation. When I moved out I went to live with my aunt and uncle, rent free. Then I moved in with my then-boyfriend-now-ex-husband, rent free. But when I got divorced it was a whole new world of rent, car insurance, and meals for one. WHAT IS LIFE. Who knows, but these are my tips along the way.

Budget, budget, and budget again. I know a lot of concern comes from when we feel the budget we just implemented doesn’t work after a few weeks- that’s because a budget should be ever evolving. The moment there is a $5 discrepancy, or you had an emergency expense come up- it’s time for a new budget.

Along with budgeting is automatic bill pay. Be it scheduling a check to go out a few days prior to when rent is due, or signing up for automatic payment with Sprint for your phone bill.

Don’t utilize all of your available credit. For instance, if you have a credit card and the limit is $500 a month, do not put $500 on it even if you’re paying it off. Your credit score is based on the amount of credit you’re using paired with the amount of remaining credit. If you utilize all of your available credit you are “maxing out”, even if you pay off or not.

Shop around. Amazon is really tempting but the dollar store and Walmart are usually cheaper- and no need to wait for it to ship.

Also with Amazon, use your shopping cart for thinking. If you REALLY want a new car stereo- add it in your cart and let it be. One of three things will happen. One- you will decide against it. Two- it will go on sale and you will buy it. Three- you will buy it after waiting and know your decision was justified. 2/3 involve saving money.

Your health is really important. I am really NOT  the most reliable source for healthy eating as my diet is mainly coffee and leftovers- but small simple changes make a huge impact. Drink all the coffee you want- but flush it out with water. Eat (at least) three meals a day. Make at least one high in protein, one high in veggies/ vitamins/ minerals, and another just make it delicious! Meal prep and save your life. (nobutseriously) know what you like, buy it and make it. You won’t go out to eat as much, and you’ll actually eat!

Challenge yourself to 30 days of no spending. This is easiest at the beginning of a month. Pay your rent, insurance, gas- all the necessities. Buy groceries that you NEED to make the meals you will EAT. And *do not spend another penny* this is when the amazon cart trick is helpful, same with meal planning.

Look up anything and everything by Dave Ramsey. Figure out how to debt snowball- GET OUT OF DEBT. This has got to be the biggest thing ever. Once you pay off your debts you will have so much additional money left over each month- it’s almost like a second job.

Build your savings. Start with saving $1,000 and DO NOT TOUCH IT. This comes in handy when you do have automatic bill pay but not enough money in your checking’s. (Sidenote: make sure you bank doesn’t penalize you if they have to take out of your savings)

 

Finally- realize that all of these things combined help you reach your end goal in life- financial freedom… oh, and being an adult/ having your shit together.

17 Things I Learned in 2017- Without Dying

This was quite the extreme year. It started off in our first home as newlyweds with the cutest puppy of life. And now I am sitting on the floor of the room I rent shoveling Nutella in my pie hole waiting on an email from the lawyer stating the divorce is final. Oh- and that Nutella? The money I got from selling my wedding rings funded that grocery trip. Savage. But even with all of this, it was just another year and I didn’t die from any of the craziness. BRING ON 2018!

1.Outlook is everything. 

You always have two choices, be grateful for what you have and try to see the positive, or be an asshole about everything and be miserable. It really is that simple.

2.You will never regret saving money

The single smartest thing you can do is save your money. Save for your car registration that’s 4 months away, save for your phone you broke for the 6th time, save in case you lose your job. Saving NOW, saves your ass later.

3.Alcohol is not your friend

I mean, yeah. It tastes good. And you two have a good time. And.. okay it might be your friend, but it definitely won’t help you reach your goals or solve life problems. So don’t search for answers in red solo cups.

4.Depression is real

It’s not something you can “just get over”. It’s not a button you can switch on and off.

5.The answer is always yes to snacks

“Should I bring a snack in my purse?” YES. “Should I bring a granola bar just in case?” YES. Don’t be hangry when you can prevent it.

6.Unless you want to be stranded and out of gas because you didn’t fill your tank up, never go below a quarter of a tank ever (again) in your life. 

7.Not everyone wants you to be happy. 

And that’s okay.

8.You are in charge of your happiness. 

It’s not your job, or your nice things. Your relationships shouldn’t be the sole provider of happiness. Look for the joyous things in every day life and choose to keep those in the forefront of your mind.

9.Modest is hottest. 

Okay, I didn’t just learn this… I’m basically a 76 year old woman in the way I dress. But take pride in your body and don’t let everyone see what is yours.

10.When all else fails, take a shower. 

Nobutseriously…. Showers have this way of cleansing our soul and our mind. Next time you’re stuck in your head or having a bad day take a shower. Let the warm water surround you, listen to it fall, let it renew you. Then when you’re ready, get out and get your shit together.

11.Give time time.

Time has a way of healing almost everything. You just have to give time time.

12.Keep life simple. 

Keep your drama minimal, keep your friends close, keep your room clean. Keep everything in it’s simplest form and you will feel free.

13.Memes and coffee

Sometimes you just need to sit down with your coffee and scroll through memes for a few minutes. Get your mind off your crazy life, and spew coffee out of your nose when you find your new favorite meme.

14.Anything that costs your peace is too expensive.

15.Your soul is your compass

If you’re aching, ask your soul why.  When you’re aching and broken it’s usually because you’ve starved your soul. So pray, or do yoga. Go pound on your mom/ass kickers door and eat all of the cookies she just made. Sniff essential oils or drive around with your favorite song turned all the way up. Always turn inwards to check in on your soul.

16.Just do it 

Nike totally had the right idea. The key to getting what you want is to just do it. If you want to start a blog, or save, or buy a car, or travel- just do it! Find a way, make a plan, and do it!

17.There is no such thing as a “bad year”. 

If we keep trying to quantify the shitty-ness of 2017 versus 2016, and how they will compare to 2018 we will completely miss the point! The point is every single year there are ups and downs. You can’t possibly expect only sunshine and rainbows. But you can choose your mindset, you can embark on your goals, save a bunch of money and prepare to be better off this year than last. You can take everything you’ve learned and channel it into something positive.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Response: My Marriage Failed, And Your Opinion About That Doesn’t Count

I am new to this divorce thing, seeing as how mine is final in 25 days. But what I am not new to is the immense judgement that comes with “divorce”. The week my divorce made headline news at work (ugh) people would ask “how long were you married?” as if to quantify my pain with time married and see if they equated to something noteworthy. Or “Why are you getting a divorce, have you tried counseling?” infinite eye rolls.

Mom Ass Kicker sent me this article today My Marriage Failed, And Your Opinion About That Doesn’t Count and Heather LeRoss said it so plainly “The ‘reasons’ for divorce don’t matter”. There is not an emotional richter scale where x reason equals y amount of hurt or pain. Divorce is divorce. It’s the end of what you planned. It’s the death of an entire life you’ve crafted.

I thought about the scale of “starting over”. Everything my ex husband and I did was for our future. We bought a house so we would be more financially stable. Once we got the house we got a kid friendly dog, chosen specifically for it’s demeanor with children. We wanted to have the dog for a few years before we had kids. We planned to remodel the house to add additional rooms for said imaginary kids. We had a savings for incidentals and planned how exactly we were going to do everything. And then it was over.

Divorce is not easy, or quick. Divorce really is LeRoss’ example of carry around a glass bowl that just gets heavier and heavier and then watching it fall and being left to pick up the glass pieces. And you know you will cut yourself on the glass, you know you will be inured and it will suck and hurt. But you can’t tip toe around glass just hoping not to get cut… that would be exhausting. So you pick up the shards of glass that look a lot like old dog pictures, engagement memorabilia, your wedding bouquet. And you chuck them in the trash and make new plans, for the new you, and the new life you’ve created.

If there is one thing trying to be adultish has taught me it’s that you get up, shake it off, and go kick ass all over again.

As LeRoss said “to all those who say, “Well, I’m entitled to my opinion,” kindly suggest since they are so entitled, they should keep it all to themselves”.