If I’m Being Honest |Adulting is Hard

Then I would say a lot of things that would make you think differently.

Because honestly I have no clue what I am doing in my life. And honestly I almost quit 7 times today. And I want to find some sort of happiness in the day and wine seems like it would do that. I want to go to sleep and have a dance party at the same time. I want to buy all of the things that I have seen lately because society tells me that it brings joy.

But honestly I am just writing a blog, doing laundry and watching my phone blow up about things I don’t care to read. Honestly I won’t drink a sip of wine because I know it doesn’t solve shit. Honestly I am blasting some weird song that has an appreciative amount of bass while contemplating eating nutella for dinner.

And honestly I have succulents and cereal in my trunk, a sock on my table and not a care in the world.

If I am being honest then I have grown so so much. I asked Mom/ Ass Kicker if I could dye my hair black and get my nose pierced. She said no… But I think I would. And maybe get a tattoo. Buy tarot cards, more crystals and a magic 8 ball because it brings me joy.

The journey of finding yourself is really weird when you start to change all over again. Everyday I want to be at the beach and blast music, everyday I want to paint or run 52 miles. I just W A N T so much- and not a person or any particular thing- but experience.

I want to go travel some more this year. I have no upcoming trips planned and I think I need to change that.

Today at work I got so frustrated with a huge project (magically due today) that one of the Program Directors made me tea (she’s British and tea fixes everything). She said if this is you frustrated I would have never known- you’re still calm, quiet and chipper. And it kind of brought me back to reality. No matter what I “feel” has changed about me, it doesn’t change the ME inside. I am still kind, caring and strangely obsessed with English Breakfast tea.

And honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

Divorce Update| Adultish is Moving Out

It’s 3AM right now on the third night in a row of  not sleeping. The first night I didn’t sleep because I was stressed an emotional. Cried and cried. The second night I couldn’t sleep because all I could think about was how many spatulas one person might need. The third night, well. Half of my room is disseminated, piles for trash and giveaway, making sure I have everything.

I am moving even closer to work (as if I wasn’t close already). I am moving into *basically* my own place. The owners took one incredibly large master bedroom and put a wall up, then created a kitchen. Full size fridge and everything. I have my own bathroom, own pantry- it’s all mine… by myself.

And while I can’t say I’m not freakishly excited, it also feels “wrong” in a way. I have never been completely by myself before. It’s definitely a stepping stone in adulting. I am some kind of  “scared” or something. I have house sat before and I love it- everythings quiet and all mine. My roommate frequently goes on trips and I am home alone. But this is different. This is my own space, my own stuff.

The place (definitely need to think of a name for my new home… any suggestions??) isn’t furnished- which, keeping with the theme of positivity, is good! It gives me a chance to buy my own furniture (gradually though, I am already freaking out about the fact I don’t own towels or a single spatula). Vegas Friend has an air mattress I will be sleeping on for a few weeks (maybe two… I just don’t have the courage to buy a bed.. I don’t think).

This also means a whole new budget! Yay!

I am so incredibly excited. I have learned a lot by living here with my roommate. The basis of being a grown up and paying rent. Telling her I was moving out was hard. I cried just because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, but as she said, it’s a time to spread my wings. (Insert anxious persons mind here: SPREAD MY WINGS? I AM NOT A BIRD, I DO NOT HAVE WINGS, WHAT AM I DOING DOING BIRD THINGS?!?!?!)

Vegas Friend has an extra set of silverware and plates, AssKicker Mom has a surplus of towels I can have. A friend at work has a dresser. It’s all coming together quite smoothly. Now granted, I don’t have a spatula, knife, cutting board, heater, bath mat, oven mitts and like 30 other super important things- but that’s okay.

Now, as far as the divorce…. You’re going to get a kick out of this. You know how some questions just can’t be sugar coated? Mhhkay…

I text my ex randomly last week saying exactly this “so, are we divorced yet?”

Insert seal laugh/clapping here. I didn’t do it to be mean! Like how else was I supposed to ask that? I think his response was “I think so” (sidenote: love how neither of us know). I guess we are waiting on the judge or some garbage that his lawyer promised would be done over a month ago.

Considering the possibly-maybe-could-be-slightly-divorced box I now check at the doctors office, I did a thing. I made a “Divorce Party” registry on Target, listed those stinking spatulas and even a salt and pepper shaker (because I don’t even have that… bahahahha). Which I am not going to lie, the last time I did a registry was for my wedding. But when the bomb dropped I only packed my clothes and hair products (duh) and left EVERY SINGLE THING THERE. Stinker has a crockpot I bet he never uses.

I am excited for what all of this means for Adultish. Basically, I am going to learn a stink-ton more of life lessons- and you guys get to hear all about it! Just don’t let me sell my kidney when things get rough, okay? Cause I have already looked up the price.

 

7 Ways to Survive When You’re Barely Alive| Adultish

I got inspired to write this after I sent off my ten positives to Mom/Ass Kicker (if you don’t know what I am talking about click here). I was laughing at the half-ass things I have learned that have made me *seem* like I know what I am doing- but I TOTALLY DO NOT. And then it made me think about all of the things that I have figured out within the past eight-ish months or so.

First things first, COFFEE. My life would be nothing with out coffee. Between post-divorce insomnia and an anxious mind I rarely sleep and if it weren’t for coffee I don’t think I would even manage to put my shoes on the right feet. This is also what helped me get my Starbucks Gold card in… uhm… no time flat.

Plan Ahead- this is one of those things that you do not want to do- but once you do it just once or twice you learn the value of it. Example: setting out your clothes the night before. I always want to just climb in bed and go to sleep- but then I realize that when I don’t set my clothes out the night before I end up with a tornado of clothes, running late for work, and ultimately stressed. Planning ahead can be as simple as setting your clothes out/ meal planning/ anything that promotes simplicity.

Dry shampoo- it is your friend, your best friend. Home girl does NOT have time to do my hair everyday, and survey says washing your hair everyday isn’t healthy for it- so dry shampoo yourself up and gain some more time in your life. Conversely- shave your head. I have thought about it. #noshame

Live by the “one touch” rule. Basically this is where instead of coming home from work and putting your coat, keys, bag, phone all on the couch “to move later” you just put it away. This might seem like more work than what you want to do- but the alternative is a messy AF house with shit everywhere and you being uber overwhelmed.

Life a life of simplicity, especially if you’re basically dead to begin with. Go back to basics- clean up your living environment, minimize, sort through the things that are clouding your mind and your life and embrace only the things that bring you joy #ThanksKonMari. When you do this there is a feeling of relief, a weigh lifted off your shoulder knowing you’re not stepping over shit you don’t need, emotionally or physically.

Devote one day to GYSTing. I talk about this a lot on Adultish mainly because it’s how I survive. I pick one day, usually Sunday to fill up my car, do my laundry, restock coffee, ensure I have enough creamer for the week, clean out my car and anything else that was neglected over the week. In doing this you never get overtly behind in anything.

Develop a routine. A night routine/GYST routine/ morning routine- develop any sort of regimented protocol you can follow to help with getting your life in order. Doing so helps ensure that you get what needs to be done done and routines are just all around good for your soul. Develop a “self care” routine. Journal, meditate, listen to your favorite radio station getting ready, collect crystals- do something that feeds your soul, especially when it is already feeling depleted.

And as always, if you don’t know what will feed your soul, if you don’t have routines set in place that work for you, or if you just plain old don’t even know where to start- just go stalk the blogs I have written. I learned a crap ton of hard lessons- so maybe I could spare you of some.

 

 

 

What life is about

You know that feeling when you’re driving and that one catchy AF song comes on. You turn the song up, way up, way way up… and you belt out the words and you do a little shimmy in your seat. The other drivers probably think that you’re crazy- but it’s your song.

You know that feeling when you’ve been at your desk for 7 hours and you’re planning to buy the necessary craft supplies for an excel voodoo doll, then your boss emails back saying “Awesome! Great work!” and you beam with joy, reconsider the voodoo doll and take a walk outside instead.

You know that feeling when you get home and then your phone rings- you took someones keys home and have to run back and return them. You get back to work and a conglomerate of students see you and thank you for whatever it was you did. It was an item on a list for you, a worry in education for them.

You know that feeling when you look outside and see the wind moving branches, and the leaves falling. It cleanses you.

You know that feeling when the kitchen counter is clean, and the house is silent.

You know that feeling when you’re at peace. You meditated, or prayed, or talked to a good friend.

You know that feeling of getting out of your head, away from the duties, drama, lists, demands- and you just breathe.

That’s what life is about, the little things. The small piece of chocolate placed on your desk. The coffee your coworker brought you. The funny memes on facebook. The sweet newborn baby pictures on instagram.

Life is so busy, hectic, chaotic, stressful, dramatic- but remember what it is about. Get out of your head. Go jump on the bed with your kids. Eat fruit roll-ups for dinner. Drive to the store for watermelon just because you want it. Remember where you came from and just breathe.

This is what life is about.

17 Things I Learned in 2017- Without Dying

This was quite the extreme year. It started off in our first home as newlyweds with the cutest puppy of life. And now I am sitting on the floor of the room I rent shoveling Nutella in my pie hole waiting on an email from the lawyer stating the divorce is final. Oh- and that Nutella? The money I got from selling my wedding rings funded that grocery trip. Savage. But even with all of this, it was just another year and I didn’t die from any of the craziness. BRING ON 2018!

1.Outlook is everything. 

You always have two choices, be grateful for what you have and try to see the positive, or be an asshole about everything and be miserable. It really is that simple.

2.You will never regret saving money

The single smartest thing you can do is save your money. Save for your car registration that’s 4 months away, save for your phone you broke for the 6th time, save in case you lose your job. Saving NOW, saves your ass later.

3.Alcohol is not your friend

I mean, yeah. It tastes good. And you two have a good time. And.. okay it might be your friend, but it definitely won’t help you reach your goals or solve life problems. So don’t search for answers in red solo cups.

4.Depression is real

It’s not something you can “just get over”. It’s not a button you can switch on and off.

5.The answer is always yes to snacks

“Should I bring a snack in my purse?” YES. “Should I bring a granola bar just in case?” YES. Don’t be hangry when you can prevent it.

6.Unless you want to be stranded and out of gas because you didn’t fill your tank up, never go below a quarter of a tank ever (again) in your life. 

7.Not everyone wants you to be happy. 

And that’s okay.

8.You are in charge of your happiness. 

It’s not your job, or your nice things. Your relationships shouldn’t be the sole provider of happiness. Look for the joyous things in every day life and choose to keep those in the forefront of your mind.

9.Modest is hottest. 

Okay, I didn’t just learn this… I’m basically a 76 year old woman in the way I dress. But take pride in your body and don’t let everyone see what is yours.

10.When all else fails, take a shower. 

Nobutseriously…. Showers have this way of cleansing our soul and our mind. Next time you’re stuck in your head or having a bad day take a shower. Let the warm water surround you, listen to it fall, let it renew you. Then when you’re ready, get out and get your shit together.

11.Give time time.

Time has a way of healing almost everything. You just have to give time time.

12.Keep life simple. 

Keep your drama minimal, keep your friends close, keep your room clean. Keep everything in it’s simplest form and you will feel free.

13.Memes and coffee

Sometimes you just need to sit down with your coffee and scroll through memes for a few minutes. Get your mind off your crazy life, and spew coffee out of your nose when you find your new favorite meme.

14.Anything that costs your peace is too expensive.

15.Your soul is your compass

If you’re aching, ask your soul why.  When you’re aching and broken it’s usually because you’ve starved your soul. So pray, or do yoga. Go pound on your mom/ass kickers door and eat all of the cookies she just made. Sniff essential oils or drive around with your favorite song turned all the way up. Always turn inwards to check in on your soul.

16.Just do it 

Nike totally had the right idea. The key to getting what you want is to just do it. If you want to start a blog, or save, or buy a car, or travel- just do it! Find a way, make a plan, and do it!

17.There is no such thing as a “bad year”. 

If we keep trying to quantify the shitty-ness of 2017 versus 2016, and how they will compare to 2018 we will completely miss the point! The point is every single year there are ups and downs. You can’t possibly expect only sunshine and rainbows. But you can choose your mindset, you can embark on your goals, save a bunch of money and prepare to be better off this year than last. You can take everything you’ve learned and channel it into something positive.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Turn on the light and find yourself

All I seem to be doing lately is growing. Do you remember being younger and having those horrible pains in your legs that people shrugged off as “growing pains”? I hated those damn things. My grandma would come into my room and rub my legs until they felt better because I would be in tears. At 23 I still get growing pains- but not the kinds in my legs.

It hurts to grow. We learn new lessons and come to understand more and more things with age and experience. Unfortunately, if you never had those pains as a child you wouldn’t have grown… and likewise, if you don’t experience the metaphorical growing pains in life, you don’t grow up. All of those pains have led me to this strange place that I am at now. A place where I call my bedroom home and find comfort in silence, and beauty in nature. In the midst of my shaky world, I found beauty, forgiveness and so many other things I was missing. I found myself. Now I could tell you that you need to go see a yogi while snorting essential oils and drinking Crystal Elixers all while in childs pose holding palo santo so that “you too can find yourself”.  While I am not bashing any of those beautiful things, heck- I do most of those things, I will tell you the free version of how to find yourself. This “free” refers strictly to monetary value and not pain. I repeat- this demo will include a fair amount of pain. Let’s get started!

In my extreme luck, I have learned something for you- so please, head my words of wisdom or you might actually end up in our child’s pose scenario (which looks a lot like giving up on life, mind you).

Be screwed (not that way)

Embrace the moments in life when you are totally and utterly screwed in every way possible. Like, have a jacked childhood, move to California at 18 by yourself, and then go through a divorce and question everything you’ve ever known (or do the personal equivalent for you- not a challenge).I know this sounds extreme- and it totes is- you’re so observant! When you find yourself at your absolute lowest in your life, you learn what really matters. That old annoying phrase of “nowhere to go but up” is true. Sometimes in life we need to crash and burn because there is no other way to repair what has been done. It’s like a whole house renovation- but with your mind, body and soul. Something about not being able to find happiness or joy makes you so incredibly thirsty for life. It sets you on fire to learn what will be joyous to you. And that is when you learn that you actually do like crystals and essential oils- you don’t actually snort them though. Too far, way, way too far.

Stay Close To The People Who Feel Like Sunshine-

Have you ever been around someone who positively charges you? You feel safe with them, you feel loved, and you could spend infinite time with them. Certain people positively charge us and it adds strength to our mind and our soul. My two examples of this would be Ass/Kicker Mom and my Roommate. These relationships are not hard to maintain, we come purely and honestly to each other, and we respect each others differences. When you have relationships like this, you learn the emotional difference between “pseudo friends” (those friends who are only around when they want something, or want to brag) and actual friends.Conversely, you can be around someone who you feel empty and depleted after their visit… These are your “soul sucking friends”.Now, I know that sounds so incredibly intense… but these relationships are detrimental your peace. Learn what makes your skin crawl (or who) and stay away. I believe that there is good in everyone, but that doesn’t mean that everyone is good for you. If you don’t jive well with people who are judgmental- recognize the trait as undesirable, remove yourself, and make a mental note to be extra tolerable and understanding so that you’re not accidentally perceived that way either.

Forgive and Forget-

This might not seem like something you would think should be included in a blog to find yourself, but I would venture to say that it is one of the most important things. I think my 8th grade teacher told me that holding onto unforgiveness and hatred towards a person does not affect the other person, it only affects you. So while people are busy trying to destroy you, don’t let your mind destroy you too by holding onto something that is not yours. The mind is a very positive thing. If we allow our mind to be consumed by hatred and negative thoughts towards others or ourselves, we begin to act on those negatives thoughts. Unforgiveness is like a poison. Whatever happened that made there need to be a need to forgive was poison. The poison slowly seeps into your mind and soul when you allow it to manifest into hatred, or sadness, or you begin to believe the lies. This poison creeps out into your actions and mindset, leaking out into all different aspects of your life until everything is poisoned. Everything is tainted and corrupt. The poison of unforgiveness is quick, but the option to forgive is the anecdote- healing, uplifting, and cleansing. Choosing to forgive and trade in the lies for truth is a step towards the actual you.

Choose Joy

Carl Young once said “I am not what happened to me, but I am what I choose to become”. You can choose to grow from mistakes, from being screwed, having shitty things happen to you. You can choose joy, love, kindness, understanding, forgiveness. The power to be who we want is ours. You just have to weed out all of the things that have snuck into your life on the way. Growing up I believed a lot of things that were said about me. So when I got married I had this idea that I really wasn’t good enough, or smart enough, or pretty. Then when my husband asked me for a divorce it almost solidified those childhood curses and I believed them more then than ever. It has taken a decent amount of time to recognize that I viewed my life from the lenses of a poisonous person, someone who did not choose joy or love. You can’t go around in life and let other peoples thoughts of you become your truth. You must find your own truth- and that is what you become.