Death Of A Relationship| Breaking Up

I know, “death” might seem strong. But what else should we call this? The happiest time of your life? That would just be a lie and chances are if you’re reading this blog it’s because someone already lied to you, or broke your heart, and you’re going through a breakup.

It didn’t dawn on me until today that hot damn I am over my divorce.

Not that it was “easy” by any means. I still went through the phase of not eating. I layed in bed and cried, was angry, and sad, then confused. And then one day, I was over it.

First things first, you need to talk about it. Get it out of your mind, and your body. When you talk about it you will cry (I mean, not like you haven’t cried enough) and eventually all of that pressure goes away.

Get some chocolate- or chips- or something to eat that you can’t usually resist- because chances are you haven’t eaten in 5 days and no one can deny a guilty pleasure.

It’s okay to be angry. And it’s okay not to be angry. We all process things differently.

Get your mind off of it- not to an unhealthy level of course, but you still need to be a functioning member of society. Go to work. Find a new hobby. Take up running.

Consume your life with positivity. Just because this time in your life is an incredibly rough patch doesn’t mean you can’t try to find the silver lining in things. You want to overcome your break up, you don’t want it to overcome you.

Resist the incredible urge to TP the ex’s house. Maybe this belongs up with the anger phase but the burning desire to egg that house, or trash it is so intense. Resist. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal.

Ignore that nasty saying that “they best way to get over someone is to get under someone”. Sex isn’t everything. You are more than welcome to do as you please, but you need to take care of yourself. If you are still grieving- wait until you’re done. It’s not like you want to be crying while you’re trying to “get under someone”. That’s just weird.

Talk to your friends about it- but only select friends. Don’t engage in conversations that are going to pull you down and make you question if what happened was right. You need uplifting people who can tell you “you got this, you’re going to be perfectly fine. So… go wipe the snot off your face and let’s go get something to eat because you look like the Thin Man”.

Count your blessings. Like any hardship we go through it is important never to lose sight of what really matters and of how lucky we are.

Make a plan with al your extra time and focus on YOU and your growth. Cuddle extra with your fur babies, start doing Yoga to heal you from the inside out, wake up to see the sunrise. Go attempt to paddle board to see if you like it, or if you’ll drown (disclaimer, I drowned).

And above all, know that it’ll be okay. Divorce, friend break up, romantic break up… you will live to see tomorrow and the sooner you get off the floor and stop sobbing the sooner you will see that to be true.

How To Kick Depressions Ass| Adultish

We talk about depression a lot on my blog because it’s a battle that effects so many people, and also has a nasty stigma around it. Here at Adultish, I try to break that stigma. I want to make sure that even though depression is real, and ugly, and can totally derail your life that you CAN kick it’s ass. Even when you don’t feel like you can go on for another day it’s totally possible to overcome.

You have to remind yourself that depression is an everyday battle. Not in a negative way, in a positive way! Every day is brand new, and some days are really good days! And some day’s are harder than others- and that’s just the way the cookie crumbles. You cherish the good days and make lemonade with the bad.

What ever you do in the day, GET UP. You have to get out of bed, and I know it’s so hard especially with every thought you have being challenged by some other thought- but if you defeat even ONE thought you will win the war.

Take depression medicine if you feel comfortable with it. I can’t say my depression medicine is 100% good days, but I have much less bad days with it.

Know that it’s just your brain (and chemicals and hormones and all that crap too) but know that it’s only in your head. I don’t mean this in a jerk “it’s all in your head so just get over it” type of way. I learned I can literally catch myself slipping into depression and those thoughts and I have to tell myself NOPE- NOT TODAY. And then I usually get ice cream if I make it out of the house.

Know what makes you tick. I know for me if I get really lonely, or really overwhelmed it’s hard for me not to fall into the black hole of hating my life. Instead if I know I am going to be alone or overwhelmed I make plans or a mental note to occupy myself so I can try and stop the insanity before it happens.

Let your friends in to what is going on with you. I talk about this a lot but majority of the time if I tell Vegas Friend or Ass Kicker Mom that I’m having a bad day we talk about it for a while and then one of them forces me to get up, get out, move around, and just stop thinking about it.

I think it is totally possible to manage depression- but you have to take care of yourself and your mental state well enough to know when you are falling into depression in order to catch yourself.

 

24, Divorced, and Totally Fine? | Adultish

The time has finally come, and I can officially let you all into the most recent part of my life. Drum roll please.

I am officially divorced. Shocking I know, huh? Especially if you’ve been keeping up with my journey to divorce. But yes, the day has come, and I feel- well. I feel a lot of ways that I wasn’t expecting to feel.

I have been waiting to be divorced for quite some time. But now with that date stamped letter I just feel kind of odd. I am 24 years old and divorced. I can’t say that this is the life I thought I would have when I was younger, but it is the life that I have so I have no choice but to deal with it.

When I opened the letter from his lawyer I just felt very empty. I have moved on the most anyone could move on- I am involved with someone else, I don’t speak to my ex- heck, he didn’t even tell me happy birthday. We are 100% over. But man, those papers made everything seem so much more intense, official, and real!

It took me a few minutes to shake that feeling, and now I am just 24, divorced and totally fine. I think. Divorce is a silly thing. My divorce was possibly the best thing that ever happened. I am a completely different person now and it astonishes me every single day. Getting a divorce shows you how strong. resilient and hardworking you can truly be.

I’ve learned how to be a serious grown up with a car payment and deadlines, a routine I try to stick to and a life full of things I love. Being divorced means I can (possibly, still waiting to hear back) get financial aid for the university I attend so I am not paying out of pocket any more.

Though I can’t say I “recommend” divorce to any one (cause that’s kind of mean and rude) I will say that it was the most defining thing in my life. Given any situation if you make the correct choices you can always end up on top. I mean, even Jaclyn Hill is going through a divorce and seriously slaying life, so I am pretttty sure it’s possible.

signature

 

5 Things My Friends Taught Me

Every so often you come across certain people in life who become instrumental in shaping your mindset. I wouldn’t be who I am today if it weren’t for late night conversations and tears on my friends porches/ couches/ coffee shops. This life is a little rough at times and I’ve found sometimes you just need someone to tell you straight.

You don’t have to prove anything to anyone. When I was on my way to Cancun and explaining mine and Vegas Friends relationship to an old friend she told me “go have fun and enjoy Cancun…. and don’t ever feel like you have to explain yourself to someone”. And holy crap that was so powerful! We don’t have to justify how we feel or why we feel like that. Happiness is what matters, and if you’re happy- you’re golden.

Invest your time wisely in those you surround yourself with. This comes from another really good friend. It’s kind of like that saying “you are what you eat”- you become who you spend the most amount of time with. Make sure you are consciously deciding who to share your time with because those people end up sharing their beliefs and behaviors with you as well.

Your “wants” in life are just as important as anyone else’s. As humans in general I think we tend to put ourselves last. While I am the first person to give the shirt off my back, I have learned the difference between merely helping someone out, and downright inconveniencing yourself to help someone. While I believe in kindness and compassion- I also believe we must treat ourselves kindly as well, or else we will be so burned out and grouchy no one will win.

Failing to plan, is planning to fail. One of my good friends explained that you wouldn’t have a baby and not buy a crib, or research hospitals right? Of course not! That would be insane and you would be so overwhelmed and unprepared with that new screaming child; failure would be automatic. When big life changes happen, or even small ones that cause you to reevaluate your time you have to plan accordingly if you want to be successful.

Sometimes you are your biggest obstacle. This was huge for me. I was in Texas visiting family and Vegas Friend told me straight about my anxiety of driving. Basically I was self sabotaging, letting my anxiety and fear control a huge part of my life and hindering me from getting my license. It was one of the roughest conversations to have, but I am so grateful he talked some sense into me.

I don’t know where I would be if it weren’t for some of my closest friends and their words of smart ass wisdom. Just make sure when people are giving you advise or life stories that you LISTEN to them, instead of letting it go in one ear and out the other- you know, like we do with parents.

Refresh Routine

After 4 flights, 8 hours of layovers, more than 20 hours of travel and only showers with minimal water pressure- I was aching for a refresh of sorts. I find myself seeking a refresh in two times. One is when I have had a really long week and I begin to feel as if the week is swallowing me whole. I tend to lose myself, rational thoughts, and my positivity after a while. Two is when I have neglected my responsibilities or been away for a while and have to jump back into reality.

This blog is all about number two. Cancun was so great, but reality always smacks you in the face. Having severe anxiety I plan, replan and over plan the things I will do from the moment I get home to the moment I go to sleep- exhausting I know. There are different types of refreshing though, depending on the need.

You can mentally refresh- which I find myself doing on the weekends, or on Friday nights as my work week comes to an end. I find so much importance in making sure you are mentally in a good place, as it sets the tone for the day. A few ways I do this (I guess because I am a Californian/hippy/millennial/freak) are to diffuse some essential oils. I like to make sure my surroundings are clean, and free of mess and clutter. I will take a long hot shower, write a blog not to be publish (there’s a ton!) or even do some yoga. Some times I will just listen to music or have a little dance party in my room- whatever makes me feel free, and clear, and happy.

I have always loved and appreciated the saying that “a clear home is a clear mind”. It’s taken me a really long time to be able to keep my place at a constant state of clean, and most of it is sheer laziness and maybe 2% time. I always like to start my week off with a clean home, clean clothes, I will clean out my purse- any task to just get rid of the old and in with the new I fully embrace. Isn’t it always nicer to wake up and come home to a clean house? I think so.

Then there is the emotional refresh. This is tricky for me, always. Because I struggle with anxiety I find myself constantly wrapped up in the “what if’s” and those thoughts steal your happiness. Sometimes, because I am a child apparently, I really just have to tell myself “it’s okay, you’re okay, everything is okay” (told you I was a child). Emotionally this just lets me release what I am freaking out about move on to what really matters- like coffee and cookie dough.

Considering I am experiencing a vacation hangover to the Nth degree right now, I’ve implemented all of these steps. It can be hard to transition from a work week to weekend, or vacay to work week- but positivity is the key. You just take that hangover, smother it in essential oils, give it a nap and some coffee- you’ll be good as new.

I Took A Pregnancy Test| Adultish

You know how you imagine getting pregnant… You take that pregnancy test and rainbows appear and angels fly out of the shower while you’re still in awe of that positive sign on the pee drenched stick… Yeah, that’s not exactly how this story goes.

When I was married I was getting really worried I was pregnant. I hadn’t had my period for maybe 5 or 6 weeks… I wasn’t PMSing and there was no sign of aunt flow. My then husband and I were weeks away from signing the final papers to buying our first home. I had just started a new job and the stress level was real.

I went to the dollar store and grabbed approximately nine million tests. Each negative- thank god. But then another week went by and still nothing. By this point we were both pretty freaked out. I mean, we talked about kids. We wanted kids. But not at that exact moment. I didn’t have insurance, we didn’t know how we would do it financially and we were both certain his family would have flipped out.

So after the negative tests my friends were even getting worried. They convinced me to buy another test and take it. I was going to wait until the morning because they say that’s what you’re supposed to do but I figured I was already 6 weeks with out a period and possibly pregnant, I doubt morning pee will be that much different. So I took the test and basically died when the positive sign glared back at me. There it was a light blue symbol of oh fuck that I didn’t know what to do with.

We were at his grandmas house when I took the test. I took a picture and sent him the photo on his phone. Covered the test and stuck it in my purse so his grandma didn’t find it and stroke out in the bathroom. I went into the family room and sank into the couch thinking only “Crap. Crap crap crap….”

My husband looked at his phone and went white as a ghost, looked at me, at his phone, at me again and then honestly looked like he might barf.

We made some lame excuse as to why we had to leave and the moment we got in his truck we both flipped the fuck out. Then got in an argument. Then apologized. Then I thought I might barf. We got home and barely spoke to each other. We agreed in the morning I would take another test.

All night I basically freaked out. Touched my stomach, questioned what we were doing, what kind of a mother I would be. Questioned if our marriage didn’t last what I would do. Wondered what his family would think. Wondered if I was ready for motherhood and to stay at home and raise a child. A million thoughts swirled in my mind and I barely slept.

Around 3am I couldn’t stand it anymore and ripped the pregnancy test box open to take the other tests. I waited my three minutes, knowing the results would freak me out either way.

Negative.

Not pregnant.

WHAT?! How can one test say positive and the other say negative? GOOGLE I NEED ANSWERS.

Apparently there are false positives, dye runs and all this other stuff.

I woke up my husband and told him I took the other test and that I wasn’t pregnant. His response was something like ” Thank God” then he rolled over.

I was slightly pissed at him thinking well if it said positive what would he had said? But now, that we are divorced and we never did have a kid together I am so thankful.

I love kids. But that scared the shit out of me. So I am good having a BK, or no kids, or just living with 96 cats.

Let’s Talk About Sex | Adultish

Honestly I can’t believe I am writing about this. I am a pretty modest person and I never air uber personal information about my “intimate life”. Yet here we are.

One thing that I don’t think people ever talk about is how sex is a GOOD thing. Let’s forget about marriage, gender, age, religion- forget about all of the rules. The common denominator of sex (regardless of if you’re married, gay, or dating someone of a different age) is that sex is the same- GOOD! And if it wasn’t good we wouldn’t be so obsessed about it.

Growing up I was taught that sex is only something that should happen between two married people. And I am not here to comment because that is one debate I do not want to dive into. But what I will say on the subject is this.

There are two kind of sex. The first is the kind of sex shared between two people who “care” for each other. The second is the kind of sex that is, well, sex.

Now let’s explore what it means to “care” for someone, shall we.

Caring for someone means you

  • Value their opinion or the points they make
  • Have compassion for them as a person
  • Wish success and happiness for them
  • Have an interest in their days, likes, dislikes

Caring for someone is the absolute basis of “love”, be it romantic or platonic. You want to care for the person who you are physically involved with, and you want them to care for you. Reason being is that this caring type of sex is an incredibly personal thing. There is no greater form of “exposure” than being intimate with someone. Trusting someone with your body and your soul.

I am not here to say to sleep around, or not to sleep around. I am, however, here to say “sex” is just an act of two people if you don’t care about each other. Sex with a stranger, an ex, a friends with benefits, those are all just sex. Just two people doing something together. No strings, or emotions needed.

I was talking to Vegas Friend about writing this blog and he mentioned that sex with someone you care about adds another dimension, there’s a level of depth (seriously no pun intended at all). Whereas sex with a random person or one night stand also adds another dimension for people, be it fun or just something new.

I am not here to shame anyone for any of their personal endeavors. Just keep in mind that your body is a temple, so other people (and you) should treat it as such, with respect and care. (PSA -good sex is safe sex, be smart you freaks)

signature