This Is Where I’m At| One Year Ago Today

Last year on June 22nd was the day the divorce bomb dropped. You can read all about that here. I didn’t think this day would be hard or bring up any emotions because I really thought I was over the divorce hump.

But I guess not. Because I’ve been pretty angry lately and not known why- but it’s all starting to make sense now. I am so angry because of the way things went down. I am somewhat a control freak, and one year ago my entire life was shattered. Everything I was working towards, everything I thought to be true wasn’t. I was left totally shell shocked and with a trillion things to figure out. Obviously I did figure everything out though.

Which brings me to my next angry point. I am so mad at me. How could I have not been prepared for something like this? How was it possible to be so dependent on someone else that my world came to a screeching halt at their command.

It’s a really tricky place to be in though. To be so angry at one situation but so happy that it didn’t work out at the same time. Last year, at this time, I had no idea what was about to happen. I didn’t know my ex husband wanted a divorce, I didn’t know he had spoken to a lawyer, I thought things were totally fine. So today, one year later, I am left with this PTSD feeling; when is something horrible and earth shattering going to happen? And i’m honestly scared. If something so intense can happen, what’s stopping another super intense thing from happening too?

I talked to Mom/Ass Kicker and told her how I was feeling. And she replied with the two simplest, best sentences ever. “Nothing is going to happen… I promise. You are protected in so many ways” which is so true! In my marriage I worked towards one general goal- marriage, kids, buy a house, train the dog. So it makes sense my world crashed down when that was over.

But ever since that day things have been different. My goals have been different. Here’s how things have been the past year.

June- bomb dropped

July- promoted in my job

August- bought my first car/ started adultish/ went to texas/ went to vegas

September- got my license

November- second Vegas trip

December- First Christmas alone, not fun. Vegas Friend saved the day there.

January- Moved to a new place more like my own apartment

February- Worked on furnishing my apartment. Stopped taking depression and anxiety medicine.

March-  Started to get serious about finances/ credit scores/ and refinancing

April- Started implementing some life long goals and tasks into my everyday life- makes a huge difference. Got my passport.

May- refinanced my car. went to Cancun for my birthday. Did May Blog A Day and Blogged for 31 days straight. Found out my divorce was final. Started taking classes again.

And that brings us to back to day. Where I have a 10 page paper due in 3 days and had to be bribed with string cheese to complete half of it before bed last night. House sitting for Vegas Friend, making my own money, doing what I want when I want.

The ebbs and flows of divorce are just strange. I didn’t expect to feel like anything at all. But when something so intense happens, I guess it is only normal to have such a strong reaction.

This is not to say that I don’t want to egg his house or anything… but eggs are expensive and I would rather take that $5 of salmonella and buy ice cream with it instead.

All of this to say- if you’re going through something so incredibly rough, it gets better. Little by little you will get there, and you will grow and learn so much along the way. You just have to keep pushing.

 

 

 

 

 

24, Divorced, and Totally Fine? | Adultish

The time has finally come, and I can officially let you all into the most recent part of my life. Drum roll please.

I am officially divorced. Shocking I know, huh? Especially if you’ve been keeping up with my journey to divorce. But yes, the day has come, and I feel- well. I feel a lot of ways that I wasn’t expecting to feel.

I have been waiting to be divorced for quite some time. But now with that date stamped letter I just feel kind of odd. I am 24 years old and divorced. I can’t say that this is the life I thought I would have when I was younger, but it is the life that I have so I have no choice but to deal with it.

When I opened the letter from his lawyer I just felt very empty. I have moved on the most anyone could move on- I am involved with someone else, I don’t speak to my ex- heck, he didn’t even tell me happy birthday. We are 100% over. But man, those papers made everything seem so much more intense, official, and real!

It took me a few minutes to shake that feeling, and now I am just 24, divorced and totally fine. I think. Divorce is a silly thing. My divorce was possibly the best thing that ever happened. I am a completely different person now and it astonishes me every single day. Getting a divorce shows you how strong. resilient and hardworking you can truly be.

I’ve learned how to be a serious grown up with a car payment and deadlines, a routine I try to stick to and a life full of things I love. Being divorced means I can (possibly, still waiting to hear back) get financial aid for the university I attend so I am not paying out of pocket any more.

Though I can’t say I “recommend” divorce to any one (cause that’s kind of mean and rude) I will say that it was the most defining thing in my life. Given any situation if you make the correct choices you can always end up on top. I mean, even Jaclyn Hill is going through a divorce and seriously slaying life, so I am pretttty sure it’s possible.

signature

 

Not Getting Divorced

I guess I should have known that this was going to happen.

It seemed really obvious from how things went in the beginning.

There have been so many on and off again struggles with this divorce.

My divorce STILL is not final. I got the email from his lawyer yesterday letting us know that the judge still had not signed the papers- still married, going on a year of trying to get a divorce. At this rate it seems as if I we are not EVER getting divorced. I will be 78 years old with fourty-seven plants and still be married to him.

#LifeGoals #ThePlantsNotTheMarriedPart

He and I are amicable. We don’t argue anymore and if ever I want to see the puppy he always lets me.

So it’s not that I want to be divorced because I am grouchy with him- not at all. It’s mostly just for the sake of taxes and because of financial aid for school.

It does feel weird though, because even though we aren’t legally divorced yet, if people ask if I am married, I tell them “oh no, I’m divorced”. “Divorced” seems to be the dirty “D” word now. Where people hear you say DIVORCED as if it’s the key phrase of a Satan chant and everyone looks at you like the “D Word” is contagious. I find it especially interesting when people find out I am going through a divorce because I look much younger than I am- and as if (to some) divorce isn’t bad enough, now I’m SIXTEEN and divorced. Eye. Rolls. All. Day.

But he and I actually spoke not too long ago. I called him to basically say thanks for the divorce- which I know is SO WEIRD. But I grew so much from it- and I am really happy in my life. And I think and hope that he is happy too. Both of our lives are going in completely different directions, and I am reminded with every new step he takes in his life how much I enjoy mine.

It is a smidge weird though- I won’t lie. To be nonchalant with a man you were in love with and share a bed with. The man who saw you at your everything. Aaaand, now you guys are just random people who sometimes need signatures or over the phone approvals to switch names over.

Somethings in life are just weird and freaky- and I think that’s all there is to it. So maybe in another 6 months/ year I will post again and actually be divorced.

But don’t hold your breath 😊

 

 

 

Happy Magnifying Divorce Day

I know, I know, so dramatic… But wowza watching the flowers pour in at work even the day before Valentine’s day got me all emotional… and pissed. And for reasons that I can’t even say I understand- yet here we are, emotional and pissed. Now the weirdest part of this is that it’s not like my husband really did a lot for me when it came to Valentine’s day, or even my birthday for that matter. So I shouldn’t be upset at all, it should really just be another day, another year of not getting something. BUT it just seems like everything is magnified and emotions are high and I just want to walk around with two middle fingers up all day. Too bad that’s not even in the realm of “Professional Behavior”.

 

Then people who I do tell about how I feel just say that Valentine’s Day just say that it’s “a made up holiday anyway, just don’t think about it”. But it’s not Valentine’s Day I hate, it’s just the reminder that at some point I was in love, and said vows promising to love someone till death do us part- or really until my husband just decided he wanted a divorce and BOOM, marriage over. OY!

 

But I will just swim in all the Celine Dion songs ever made, eat my own chocolate and wear pink anyway.

 

Oh, but F-U Valentines Day. J

Divorce Update| Adultish is Moving Out

It’s 3AM right now on the third night in a row of  not sleeping. The first night I didn’t sleep because I was stressed an emotional. Cried and cried. The second night I couldn’t sleep because all I could think about was how many spatulas one person might need. The third night, well. Half of my room is disseminated, piles for trash and giveaway, making sure I have everything.

I am moving even closer to work (as if I wasn’t close already). I am moving into *basically* my own place. The owners took one incredibly large master bedroom and put a wall up, then created a kitchen. Full size fridge and everything. I have my own bathroom, own pantry- it’s all mine… by myself.

And while I can’t say I’m not freakishly excited, it also feels “wrong” in a way. I have never been completely by myself before. It’s definitely a stepping stone in adulting. I am some kind of  “scared” or something. I have house sat before and I love it- everythings quiet and all mine. My roommate frequently goes on trips and I am home alone. But this is different. This is my own space, my own stuff.

The place (definitely need to think of a name for my new home… any suggestions??) isn’t furnished- which, keeping with the theme of positivity, is good! It gives me a chance to buy my own furniture (gradually though, I am already freaking out about the fact I don’t own towels or a single spatula). Vegas Friend has an air mattress I will be sleeping on for a few weeks (maybe two… I just don’t have the courage to buy a bed.. I don’t think).

This also means a whole new budget! Yay!

I am so incredibly excited. I have learned a lot by living here with my roommate. The basis of being a grown up and paying rent. Telling her I was moving out was hard. I cried just because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, but as she said, it’s a time to spread my wings. (Insert anxious persons mind here: SPREAD MY WINGS? I AM NOT A BIRD, I DO NOT HAVE WINGS, WHAT AM I DOING DOING BIRD THINGS?!?!?!)

Vegas Friend has an extra set of silverware and plates, AssKicker Mom has a surplus of towels I can have. A friend at work has a dresser. It’s all coming together quite smoothly. Now granted, I don’t have a spatula, knife, cutting board, heater, bath mat, oven mitts and like 30 other super important things- but that’s okay.

Now, as far as the divorce…. You’re going to get a kick out of this. You know how some questions just can’t be sugar coated? Mhhkay…

I text my ex randomly last week saying exactly this “so, are we divorced yet?”

Insert seal laugh/clapping here. I didn’t do it to be mean! Like how else was I supposed to ask that? I think his response was “I think so” (sidenote: love how neither of us know). I guess we are waiting on the judge or some garbage that his lawyer promised would be done over a month ago.

Considering the possibly-maybe-could-be-slightly-divorced box I now check at the doctors office, I did a thing. I made a “Divorce Party” registry on Target, listed those stinking spatulas and even a salt and pepper shaker (because I don’t even have that… bahahahha). Which I am not going to lie, the last time I did a registry was for my wedding. But when the bomb dropped I only packed my clothes and hair products (duh) and left EVERY SINGLE THING THERE. Stinker has a crockpot I bet he never uses.

I am excited for what all of this means for Adultish. Basically, I am going to learn a stink-ton more of life lessons- and you guys get to hear all about it! Just don’t let me sell my kidney when things get rough, okay? Cause I have already looked up the price.

 

My Response: My Marriage Failed, And Your Opinion About That Doesn’t Count

I am new to this divorce thing, seeing as how mine is final in 25 days. But what I am not new to is the immense judgement that comes with “divorce”. The week my divorce made headline news at work (ugh) people would ask “how long were you married?” as if to quantify my pain with time married and see if they equated to something noteworthy. Or “Why are you getting a divorce, have you tried counseling?” infinite eye rolls.

Mom Ass Kicker sent me this article today My Marriage Failed, And Your Opinion About That Doesn’t Count and Heather LeRoss said it so plainly “The ‘reasons’ for divorce don’t matter”. There is not an emotional richter scale where x reason equals y amount of hurt or pain. Divorce is divorce. It’s the end of what you planned. It’s the death of an entire life you’ve crafted.

I thought about the scale of “starting over”. Everything my ex husband and I did was for our future. We bought a house so we would be more financially stable. Once we got the house we got a kid friendly dog, chosen specifically for it’s demeanor with children. We wanted to have the dog for a few years before we had kids. We planned to remodel the house to add additional rooms for said imaginary kids. We had a savings for incidentals and planned how exactly we were going to do everything. And then it was over.

Divorce is not easy, or quick. Divorce really is LeRoss’ example of carry around a glass bowl that just gets heavier and heavier and then watching it fall and being left to pick up the glass pieces. And you know you will cut yourself on the glass, you know you will be inured and it will suck and hurt. But you can’t tip toe around glass just hoping not to get cut… that would be exhausting. So you pick up the shards of glass that look a lot like old dog pictures, engagement memorabilia, your wedding bouquet. And you chuck them in the trash and make new plans, for the new you, and the new life you’ve created.

If there is one thing trying to be adultish has taught me it’s that you get up, shake it off, and go kick ass all over again.

As LeRoss said “to all those who say, “Well, I’m entitled to my opinion,” kindly suggest since they are so entitled, they should keep it all to themselves”.

Divorce update- I might be mean.

I’ve been waiting on the divorce papers forever now. Having never gone through a divorce I really didn’t know what to expect. Everyone keeps saying that California is a 50/50 state- but our situation is a little bit different.

When he “bought” the house he actually “assumed the loan” from his grandmother. Considering this, there was no way I would be able to be on the title/deed of the house. It was technically then his grandmothers and his.

The business that he and his family owns is technically all his families. He does not become an “owner” of that business until his family gives it to him. I have no financial place in the business.

The multiple cars and trucks are all paid for by the business.

The appliances came with the house or his grandmother bought.

The tools and expensive things are from the business.

The flat screen TV won’t fit in my rented room.

Now that I have these divorce papers things look pretty bleak. I am meeting with him and his lawyer today (somehow this feels like a trap) to discuss “what I want”. Interesting idea as I am not legally entitled to have anything, nor can I fit a stainless steel fridge in my room either.

I am caught so desperately in between some weirdness I can’t even explain. I am not sure what the right road is here. I don’t want to deplete him of what is his, or make his life more financially unstable. However the grouchy part of me wants to point out that “the business” pays for a huge amount of his monthly expenses. His parents sign his check. He has a roommate that pays less rent than I do. The even grouchier part of me wants to look his lawyer in the face and ask if she really knows what happened. Does she know he talked to her about a divorce before even telling me that’s what he wanted? Does she know that he drained the bank accounts? Does she know that the “assests” he listed he is missing a huge amount of things on?

Probably not. And it probably doesn’t matter. I don’t think that legally emotions matter.

All I know is that I can just try to do the right thing. I work as much as I can, I try to be a good person. I try to do right. I keep thinking of maybe getting a second job (don’t ask when, I have no clue!).