When You Have A Bonus Kid

So this is a topic I never touch on because I feel like it is way too personal and incriminating to the aliases I have made on my blog. But I have written many blogs that explain what happens when you have a “Bonus Kid” and just never published them. Welp- that’s all changing now.

You see, when Vegas Friend and I started to become “closer friends” we kept Bonus Kid out of everything. BK didn’t know about me, we weren’t around with each other and it was a non issue. Now from my past blogs you will know that I had an interesting upbringing and that has made me a very “Child Sensitive Minded” person- if that’s a thing. I am always very receptive to kids feelings and very in-tuned with what they are trying to say. I am very empathetic by nature, and maybe more so with kids.

So here we are. Vegas Friend and Bonus Kid, my new “normal” that feels so weird. Weird because I am #not trying to be Bonus Kids mom, and they know that. Weird because I am zero percent qualified to even drive a kid around with me- yet I do. This is a whole new experience of “kid” that I have never known.

I didn’t know I could love a kid that wasn’t mine, or have the school calendar memorized of Bonus Kids days off. I didn’t know there would ever be a time of me looking at a report card and being super proud- Bonus Kid isn’t just a silly goober, but a SMART silly goober.

That’s kind of the thing about “Bonus Kids”. They are the bonus to your relationship. The provide humor, random outbursts about how much they have to pee, ladle in twenty pound of garlic “accidentally” and leave crumbs all over the place. And then they leave and you miss them. Bonus in the sense that I can hardly stand most other peoples kids, minus good friends, and I actually like this one!

Bonus because I have learned SO MUCH through Bonus Kid, and I get to show BK new things, like art, or planting, or playing scrabble (although, have you ever played scrabble with a kid?! I am not sure I advise. Lol).

One huge lesson is that I usually have the patience of a saint with BK. I am never upset, never annoyed or frustrated. BK is a kid, and I am pretty good at remembering that. EXCEPT, for when I am not good at it. We had a “long” day of a lot of highs and lows. The day started off GREAT, and then I started not to feel 100%. I was really irritable and grouchy. Well, turns out Kids sense EVERYTHING. And by 7 or so at night and the longest day of life, BK inadvertently throwing plants towards my eyeballs and then just being hangry- something happened. I was so agitated and uncomfortable I just got up and went inside.

I just wanted to shower the plants and day off of me and get ready to go out to dinner. Vegas Friend and BK were a little surprised because I have never just gotten up and walked away before. I went in to shower and Vegas Friend came in. I was sitting on the shower floor, Uber upset because I just let BK know I was frustrated. Well, turns out BK started crying because she thought I was mad at her, and then I felt like total garbage. So I went in to talk to her. It took me back to being a kid and when my grandma would be upset with me. I would get so wrapped up in my feelings I would just start to cry. BK said, you’re always so calm and you always take my side and make me laugh, and tonight you just walked away. So pause here, and just hear my heart shatter in a million pieces. Yep. I felt like a TOTAL ASS. I just explained we all have good days and bad days, and as an adult I should be able to handle my emotions better, and that I was sorry. We talked for an hour on her bed while Vegas Friend was dying of starvation on the couch- then went to have steak. And steak fixes everything.

I don’t totally know if there’s a point to this blog, or a lesson to take away. But props to the actual moms with the actual kids who do this on the daily. A Bonus Kid is hard enough.

Sperm Donors Parole Hearing

It’s that time again! Every 3 years sperm donor is eligible for parole. Now 3 years ago when this rolled around for the first time I had to totally figure my life out. I get an email from “VINE” which is just some acronym for Victim Services, stating that Sperm Donor is eligible for parole and gives me directions.

“We acknowledge how difficult it may be to write about the effect of this crime. You may submit any letters, photographs, etc, that you think would help the Board of Pardons and Paroles understand how the offense has affected you.”

So last time this happened I really needed to figure out exactly how I felt about him, his sentencing, and the possibility of him being paroled. I came to a conclusion rather fast- he will get out today, or tomorrow, or ten weeks or ten years- and all I can do is be prepared for that. Life doesn’t always go your way, and I certainly wasn’t holding onto hope that they “would” or “wouldn’t” release him. Additionally, it all gave me this freaky feeling as if I was God- trying to vie for someones life.

So everything was good last time- I thought that I had said my peace, and I was happy with knowing my hands were clean. But then EDF stepped in. A letter was written explaining details of what happened and pleading that he served his entire sentence. But why? Why does it matter to someone who is not the victim? Why would you waste time if it doesn’t directly affect you? But that’s just it- sometimes there is no rational answer to tings that happen- instead you just deal with it.

So eventually I will sit down and write another letter to the Board. There will be 3 phone interviews and I will repeat everything for the thousandth time. Hatred can’t always win. Not everyone is bad forever. There is forgiveness.

Last letter I wrote to the board pending his parole I clearly stated that I, nor anyone on the outside of that prison, could be an accurate judge of character for him. We have not seen, heard, spoken of him. We do not know his feelings, his regrets, his goals or visions for his life. The ones who know him are the ones who see him everyday- interact with him on a consistent basis. This decision should not be made by people who haven’t known a man for over 15 years.

The closing statement of my last letter was as follows: “It is important to me that you, the parole board, understand that I am aware Sperm Donor will be getting out of prison, be it in 2027 or in 6 months, His release is inevitable, all I can do is be prepared”.

That will also be in my letter to them this time.