To say that “I don’t want to write this blog” would be a complete and utter understatement. I might actually rather be caught on fire (okay, not really.. but you get my point). I guess I knew this was coming. I knew it from three years ago. And yet BOOM- I’m all emotional and contemplating life like it’s my hobby.
You see – Sperm Donor (my “dad” ((just threw up a bit)) ) is eligible for parole right now. And every time this happens I get to have an interview with the parole board. I don’t think I mind this- I don’t think this is what bothers me. But the idea that I am “playing God” definitely does bother me.
And I suppose what bothers me MOST is that EDF is also interviewing. Last time this happened she went out of her way to make sure he was not released. Petitions, letters, crazy stuff that I legit don’t have the time for. Or the desire. Nor the fucks to give. And it makes me feel as if she fights so hard for her way that mine doesn’t even matter.
I want to be true to me in the process here- I want to not lose myself or be changed by anger. And “me” can’t even kill an earth worm. I legit saved two of them just the other day. I can’t get rid of a plant that’s dying because to me it’s murder. And- yes, I know I sound totally crazy. But I grew up with constant hurt so as an adult I detest the idea.
Harboring unforgiveness is toxic to your soul. It’s poison. Unforgiveness robs your joy, steals your happiness. I filled my morning with podcasts on forgiveness. One thing stuck out the most- forgiving someone doesn’t mean you go out to dinner with them, or have sleep overs. It just means you’ve forgiven them. It just means you’ve let go of the poison in your heart and you’re not as impacted by the situation anymore.
I want to know that I was true to myself and my values the entire time. It’s not up to non-earth-worm-killing-me if he is released on parole. It’s up to the parole board and some guy Fred. I think I realized this morning that just because I have forgiven him, doesn’t make everything rainbows and lollipops. Whenever he gets out I will have to deal with whatever emotions come my way. But I do know I will come to work, drink tons of coffee, decorate and redecorate my place and continue life as we know it.
Because truly I only have 5 fucks to give each day, and not one of them is for this.