So I feel like we might have some things to catch up on considering I have been rather MIA for an entire month.
I’m like a cat in that way. Finicky and obsessed with sleep.
There’s a lot of new things going on that I don’t know if I am completely ready to talk about. Mainly because if these things stay in my head then that means that I get to protect them. I mean, I know that’s not the way that life works. But we can pretend.
So the thing is I’ve half way started to see someone. I say “kind of” because I am a little too scared to think that I am actually *dating* someone. And this human is a nice guy. He’s got his shit together and there are no obvious red flags. Which inherently means I am sure at some point I will mess this all up. Either with my ability to see through people, my annoying ability to empathize too well, or with my extreme anxiety deciding to rear it’s ugly head again.
I think in my mind I am worried that I am still “unlovable” or “undesirable”. I know a lot of people will say that I have to work through that on my own before I decide to get in a relationship. But turns out I didn’t even know that was an issue I had post-divorce until now, with this human.
I think it’s also hard for me too, because this human is super nice and kind. A genuinely normal and compassionate person. It’s easy to like someone when they are good to you! But it’s a two way street, relationships. Both people have to be interested and ready for a relationship. So even knowing I could like someone and that they could check off the proverbial boxes on my list doesn’t mean that the feeling there is mutual. And that’s a kind of weird and strange thing to think for me.
Now I am not saying that this human does or doesn’t like me. I’m truly just trying not to think about it.
But fuck, if this is dating, I wasn’t prepared for this. Lol