The Truth| Adultish

This wasn’t the blog I planned to put up this week, but when life gives you lemons… you call your mom-thing and cry. When I started Adultish I wanted everyone to be able to gleam a  bit of wisdom from my mistakes, follow my journey and only experience the lessons and none of the hardship. I wanted to learn the shitty things and then tell you all how to better deal, or avoid those situations. I put so much focus on maintaining goals, being “adult”, having your shit together… being “perfect”. And while I do believe that growing up and paying your bills is undeniably important, I don’t think the way I have been doing this adulting thing is very realistic. Let’s rewind, shall we…

When I was married I was a totally different person. Very in my feelings and emotional, very pity-party and not really fun. I didn’t have my license, didn’t try too hard to get it, and I didn’t really strive or work towards anything at all. I counted on my husband very intensely, and that’s what “worked” in our relationship. Until, it didn’t work anymore. This all happened, probably, when I started to realize there was more in the world than what I was doing. I wanted to run again, and read controversial things, go to friends houses…  I think I was starving for something new and exciting and that was not the person my husband married. Now, of course, I don’t know if this is why I went from married to homeless, but I am sure it probably played a pretty significant role. I don’t think I will ever know the reason why- but I do know I was starting to get very restless with the same thing everyday.

Now I have always been extremely hardcore. For most people there is black, white, and gray. For me it’s black and white. I either master something or totally screw it up. When budgeting I will either not spend a dime for 27 days, or spend an entire paycheck in an hour. I really have zero middle ground. . When I was married I was super dependent. And now that I am divorced and on my own I am stubbornly independent. The moment I moved out a switch flipped and I told myself I couldn’t screw up again. I felt like I had a second chance to do things and make something of myself. It’s like I got so scared of ever depending on someone or messing up that I made a vow to only count on myself and work my tail off. I honestly think if I was on fire I wouldn’t ask for help some days. It’s annoying, even to me. I think all of these responses to life trauma are extremely normal…

So let’s come back to the present moment where I am newly 24, divorced for about a year and my day dreams occupy an incredible amount of my time. I am obsessed with trying to save money, finish my degree, excel in my job, keep my place clean, trying to sleep 8 h/night, get A’s in my classes, keep up with Adultish, and be a nice person. All of these things are incredible, and absolutely imperative to work on in order to be a functioning human being. But I had a conversation that shook me to my depths.

*set the scene: me in tears (because I had lemons for lemonade but someone had better lemons… or something like that)*

Me: “But I am just agitated! I am working so hard, trying to do all of these things, and I’ve only made it this far!”

Magical Human: “You have only been on your own for a little over a year. You got a car, your license, saved, started school, moved into your own place… You’ve done the best you can with what you have… I mean what is it you think you are missing or lacking?”

And boom, like a ton of bricks crashing into my mediocre lemonade it hit me- I have some severely unrealistic expectations. In trying so hard to better myself and work towards the next thing, I have starved myself from reality and being appreciative of where I am. I really do remember crying and hurting because I wanted to have some money saved, and I wanted my own car, and the freedom a license brought. Now I have that, and so much more but I am only looking at what’s next. All I can think is how I want to advance in my job NOW, and move into a bigger place NOW, and get my degree NOW. But when we become so consumed with what we don’t have, it mentally destroys us.

I have a whole time line in my head of how things will work out, but most of these things take a considerable amount of time, like saving X amount and finishing my degree. These are excellent long term goals, but I need to focus on short term goals that help me get to the long term ones.

Of course I still totally believe in the importance of bettering yourself and getting your shit together. I will always be the person to try and make everything perfect- that’s just who I am. I will always rearrange my place 6 times a month and need to buy a new pair of shoes to spruce up my life. It would be a cold day in hell the day I didn’t want to update, organize or better something.

If you take anything from all of the tears and hydration I lost learning this lesson, it’s two things…

One- Long term goals are great. Short term goals help you keep your sanity.

Two- Sometimes the ability to see where you are versus where you were is the lesson it’s self. Always be grateful for where you are in life- even if it’s still miles from your goal.

 

 

 

7 thoughts on “The Truth| Adultish

  1. Great post! I have also learned that spending too much time in the “big picture” mindset can overwhelm you and rob you of moments to practice gratitude for what you have in your life now. Take care

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Those incremental gains in the everyday lead to the big goals, I’ve found. This is why having intelligent, tuned-in friends helps us – and I suspect you play that role for others, too, voices of reason during those times we struggle to hear them in ourselves. Lots of brilliance here, and I look forward to reading more.

    Liked by 1 person

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