This Is Where I’m At| One Year Ago Today

Last year on June 22nd was the day the divorce bomb dropped. You can read all about that here. I didn’t think this day would be hard or bring up any emotions because I really thought I was over the divorce hump.

But I guess not. Because I’ve been pretty angry lately and not known why- but it’s all starting to make sense now. I am so angry because of the way things went down. I am somewhat a control freak, and one year ago my entire life was shattered. Everything I was working towards, everything I thought to be true wasn’t. I was left totally shell shocked and with a trillion things to figure out. Obviously I did figure everything out though.

Which brings me to my next angry point. I am so mad at me. How could I have not been prepared for something like this? How was it possible to be so dependent on someone else that my world came to a screeching halt at their command.

It’s a really tricky place to be in though. To be so angry at one situation but so happy that it didn’t work out at the same time. Last year, at this time, I had no idea what was about to happen. I didn’t know my ex husband wanted a divorce, I didn’t know he had spoken to a lawyer, I thought things were totally fine. So today, one year later, I am left with this PTSD feeling; when is something horrible and earth shattering going to happen? And i’m honestly scared. If something so intense can happen, what’s stopping another super intense thing from happening too?

I talked to Mom/Ass Kicker and told her how I was feeling. And she replied with the two simplest, best sentences ever. “Nothing is going to happen… I promise. You are protected in so many ways” which is so true! In my marriage I worked towards one general goal- marriage, kids, buy a house, train the dog. So it makes sense my world crashed down when that was over.

But ever since that day things have been different. My goals have been different. Here’s how things have been the past year.

June- bomb dropped

July- promoted in my job

August- bought my first car/ started adultish/ went to texas/ went to vegas

September- got my license

November- second Vegas trip

December- First Christmas alone, not fun. Vegas Friend saved the day there.

January- Moved to a new place more like my own apartment

February- Worked on furnishing my apartment. Stopped taking depression and anxiety medicine.

March-  Started to get serious about finances/ credit scores/ and refinancing

April- Started implementing some life long goals and tasks into my everyday life- makes a huge difference. Got my passport.

May- refinanced my car. went to Cancun for my birthday. Did May Blog A Day and Blogged for 31 days straight. Found out my divorce was final. Started taking classes again.

And that brings us to back to day. Where I have a 10 page paper due in 3 days and had to be bribed with string cheese to complete half of it before bed last night. House sitting for Vegas Friend, making my own money, doing what I want when I want.

The ebbs and flows of divorce are just strange. I didn’t expect to feel like anything at all. But when something so intense happens, I guess it is only normal to have such a strong reaction.

This is not to say that I don’t want to egg his house or anything… but eggs are expensive and I would rather take that $5 of salmonella and buy ice cream with it instead.

All of this to say- if you’re going through something so incredibly rough, it gets better. Little by little you will get there, and you will grow and learn so much along the way. You just have to keep pushing.

 

 

 

 

 

14 thoughts on “This Is Where I’m At| One Year Ago Today

  1. Great post. I can imagine it’s hard to get past the mindset of “why didn’t I see this coming.” When you got married, you couldn’t have anticipated the end result. Don’t beat yourself up about becoming codependent in marriage. That’s literally the definition of marriage: two become one. When it ends, it’s like ripping two pieces of duct tape apart from each other. Both pieces of tape get damaged. Looks like you slayed the last year. Good luck on your paper. The string cheese bribe cracked me up 🤣

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The thing you said about being too dependent on someone else really hit home.Nothing earth shattering is going to happen hon, you were strong then and you are strong(stronger) now.The anxiety will go away.The stress will go away.You’ve dealt with all of this, and that just proves how strong you are.We love you SO much, and I’m SO proud of you girl.Just keep fighting.You already know that it gets SO much better.Take care and please don’t overwork yourself!<3

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is so inspiring. You’ve progressed so much since then it’s amazing to see! I can understand how it would be hard with the one year anniversary of something awful but you’re able to see how strong you’ve been and how much you could accomplish even after you THOUGHT your life was shattered. When really it was just altered in a way that pushed you to redefine what’s important. You’re so amazing! Great post! And thanks for sharing it with us!

    Liked by 1 person

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