I used to think that when I got older that things would be easier. You grow up, get a better job and make lots of money. But with age comes more expensive things- and there goes all that money. I used to think that as a grown up things would be easier- maybe relationships would become easier. I could be around who I wanted and spend my time wisely with the people I cherished. But with getting older also comes disease, cancer, heart attacks…
This is a part of life that I have never dealt with before. But it is indeed a part of “adulting”. And it hurts.
Everything hurts. My friends hurt, and my family hurts, their friends and family hurt- I hurt.
The hurt that feels like your organs are being ripped right from your body and all you can do in return is cry with the intensity that things are being ripped from your body.
The hurt that at some point turns into complete numbness- knowing that things *should* affect you, but you’re so affected that it all melts into one huge whole body all consuming numbness.
Maybe the “adulting” part is that you still go to work, you still pay your bills and work on huge projects and just live with the extreme numbing pain until it goes away. Maybe you “fake it till you make it”. Or maybe your me and you go white as a ghost when you get the news, you sit down and just think “fuck”.
because at this point that is all there is left to say.
fuck death and cancer and everything that comes with it.
and fuck parole board people and remembering your childhood.
fuck divorces that will never end and work that will never slow down.
but mostly fuck that picture in our head- the one that makes you think life should be perfect and that we should never have a down moment.