There are always more and more things to learn in the course of divorce. Usually these things come up at the most inconvenient times ever, like getting what I think might be the flu- but it’s probably just me dying.
One thing about me is that I am always cold, ALWAYS. Well over the weekend I kept telling Vegas Friend that I was super hot. I would be so hot at night with the air conditioner set to 66 that I still couldn’t sleep. My head hurt for like 3 consecutive days but I chalked it up to the weather and sleep deprivation.
That is until Wednesday at 2am I woke up almost in tears from my head hurting and thought that I would die. I went to work, thinking it was just a migraine day. I didn’t drink my coffee because I wanted to throw up just smelling it. 9am rolled around and all I wanted was ramen noodles (seriously? ehw). I couldn’t even eat the noodles without my throat screaming. There were people all around my cube and just so much noise and talking. I took some medicine and thought okay, meds in; good to go. 11am and I was dying still. I came in to over 200 email after a long weekend and told myself at 150 email count I could go to lunch. Yeah. That never happened. Each email I replied to just got another response and I couldn’t get past 170. So I threw in the towel and went to Vegas Friends for lunch. There was a smores macaroon waiting for me. I pulled in the drive way, turned off the alarm, walked into the kitchen to see the smores macaroon masterpiece (one of my favorite deserts). And then I walked out of the kitchen to go lay down. I was so miserable and I couldn’t sleep so I cut my lunch short and went back to work.
This was just in time for all of the shit to hit the fan at work and then for one of the Program Directors to say “Are you okay?” as she did that-one-mom-thing and used her hand to check my temperature. I got an immediate “go home!”. I still stayed for my 8 hours and then gladly drove home. I took my work clothes off and slipped into pajamas then crawled into bed.
I had to climb out of bed to find some medicine. Then I got in bed in time to realize I needed water to take the medicine. In bed (third times a charm)… ugh forgot to turn the light off. I text my mom ass kicker friend and said “ugh, wish I was married so I didn’t have to get my own medicine.” she was not amused in the least. I slept and slept, and slept some more right into the next work day. Well, with frequent stops to the bathroom. TMI? Neh.
4am came and I was horribly awake. Hot despite having the fan on and covers off. Uncomfortable, achy, stuffy and just generally dying. I text my boss something like “calling in sick- dying”. I slept through mom ass kickers texts. Slept through my email blowing up, and slept through Vegas Friends attempts at communicating. But when I did wake up HOLY MOTHER OF PEARLS I was STARVING. The only thing that sounded remotely appetizing was chicken and rice. But I’ve never made chicken and rice. Is it straight chicken with plain rice? Is it the complicated versions I’ve seen on Pinterest with 28 ingredients? Who knows. I called (legit) 6 or 7 friends to try and figure it out. And then had a sad sad moment in my car leaving the store as I was struggling to open the DayQuil Max Severe Cold and Flu medicine that cost my right arm to buy. Crying because I was sick and lonely and I just needed chicken and rice and I didn’t know how to cook it. Ugh. I thought about calling my mother in law. I know I could have called her and she probably would have made it and delivered it for me. But that felt wrong. And then it hit me of how alone I felt. Divorce does this weird thing where everything is so wonderful and then BAM you remember you’re husband left you and it begins to consume you again.
I think that’s the hardest part about divorce- it is never over. There will always be reminders or days you’re sick and need chicken and rice. The kind of personality I have I just want to fix it. Make it better. But I can’t. I can only decide how to react when those emotions and thoughts come to me. I choose to look at the bright side (ie- I might have felt dead, but wasn’t actually dead). Divorce is like getting over the loss of a loved one- and in essence that’s basically what it is. The death of a plan and a dream, the death of your most intimate relationship. So you can expect to go through the grieving periods. The highs and the lows, and pay special attention to the already emotional times of life. Like holidays, anniversaries, valentines, birthdays… or you know, when you’re sick.