I am alone on Christmas. Like uber alone- no gifts, waking up to an empty house and replaying a few years ago when I was being proposed to. This is kind of a shitty time for me.
I have neglected Adultish for a few weeks because I have been so incredibly in my mind.
I had a dream last night that I was at the beach, I was laying in the sand soaking in the warm sun, listening to the waves- it was legit. In this dream I fell asleep on the beach and came to a place of complete peace. Extreme meditation or an out of body experience- dream inhibited. I woke up pretty impressed with my subconscious. Then a few hours into the day I found my self super nauseas, emotional and with a splitting headache. I cried and cried… and cried some more. The kind of crying where tears just fly out of your eyeballs and you can almost physically feel the amount of emotional pain that you are in. Ugly crying for sure.
Ass Kicker mom said in her kindest, most loving way, go get up and do something and you’ll stop crying. So I took a shower, I mean, I still cried in the shower, but only for a small while. I let the water run off of my face and stood there. I didn’t wash my hair, or my body. I just stood in silence and let the warmth surround me. Heaven. It’s one of the most amazing things how showers can heal us.
Maybe that’s what my dream was telling me- I need a recharge. I need to get my head out of work, out of all my issues, out of my divorce, away from the messages from my ex… I need to stop. Stop my mind, my worries, my fears. I need to find myself.
Coincidentally I was just watching Pitch Perfect last night where the whole Bellas team went on a “retreat” to find their voice… that should have been my subtle warning… but instead I didn’t listen and ended up with swollen eyeballs and snot everywhere. YUM.
Ass Kicker mom keeps mentioning writing down goals for 2018. I have been blatantly ignoring her pleas because of my negative mindset. Who says 2018 is going to be any different than 2017? Who says I am going to stick to these goals? I can’t even commit to washing my hair every day! (Yet again another shout out to dry shampoo, you’re the real MVP).
But (dammit lady) mom’s right, I just need to write my goals out. Strive for something good this year. I mean crap, I have done SO MUCH in just the past 6 months.
Oy….. Why are mom’s always right?