Turn on the light and find yourself

All I seem to be doing lately is growing. Do you remember being younger and having those horrible pains in your legs that people shrugged off as “growing pains”? I hated those damn things. My grandma would come into my room and rub my legs until they felt better because I would be in tears. At 23 I still get growing pains- but not the kinds in my legs.

It hurts to grow. We learn new lessons and come to understand more and more things with age and experience. Unfortunately, if you never had those pains as a child you wouldn’t have grown… and likewise, if you don’t experience the metaphorical growing pains in life, you don’t grow up. All of those pains have led me to this strange place that I am at now. A place where I call my bedroom home and find comfort in silence, and beauty in nature. In the midst of my shaky world, I found beauty, forgiveness and so many other things I was missing. I found myself. Now I could tell you that you need to go see a yogi while snorting essential oils and drinking Crystal Elixers all while in childs pose holding palo santo so that “you too can find yourself”.  While I am not bashing any of those beautiful things, heck- I do most of those things, I will tell you the free version of how to find yourself. This “free” refers strictly to monetary value and not pain. I repeat- this demo will include a fair amount of pain. Let’s get started!

In my extreme luck, I have learned something for you- so please, head my words of wisdom or you might actually end up in our child’s pose scenario (which looks a lot like giving up on life, mind you).

Be screwed (not that way)

Embrace the moments in life when you are totally and utterly screwed in every way possible. Like, have a jacked childhood, move to California at 18 by yourself, and then go through a divorce and question everything you’ve ever known (or do the personal equivalent for you- not a challenge).I know this sounds extreme- and it totes is- you’re so observant! When you find yourself at your absolute lowest in your life, you learn what really matters. That old annoying phrase of “nowhere to go but up” is true. Sometimes in life we need to crash and burn because there is no other way to repair what has been done. It’s like a whole house renovation- but with your mind, body and soul. Something about not being able to find happiness or joy makes you so incredibly thirsty for life. It sets you on fire to learn what will be joyous to you. And that is when you learn that you actually do like crystals and essential oils- you don’t actually snort them though. Too far, way, way too far.

Stay Close To The People Who Feel Like Sunshine-

Have you ever been around someone who positively charges you? You feel safe with them, you feel loved, and you could spend infinite time with them. Certain people positively charge us and it adds strength to our mind and our soul. My two examples of this would be Ass/Kicker Mom and my Roommate. These relationships are not hard to maintain, we come purely and honestly to each other, and we respect each others differences. When you have relationships like this, you learn the emotional difference between “pseudo friends” (those friends who are only around when they want something, or want to brag) and actual friends.Conversely, you can be around someone who you feel empty and depleted after their visit… These are your “soul sucking friends”.Now, I know that sounds so incredibly intense… but these relationships are detrimental your peace. Learn what makes your skin crawl (or who) and stay away. I believe that there is good in everyone, but that doesn’t mean that everyone is good for you. If you don’t jive well with people who are judgmental- recognize the trait as undesirable, remove yourself, and make a mental note to be extra tolerable and understanding so that you’re not accidentally perceived that way either.

Forgive and Forget-

This might not seem like something you would think should be included in a blog to find yourself, but I would venture to say that it is one of the most important things. I think my 8th grade teacher told me that holding onto unforgiveness and hatred towards a person does not affect the other person, it only affects you. So while people are busy trying to destroy you, don’t let your mind destroy you too by holding onto something that is not yours. The mind is a very positive thing. If we allow our mind to be consumed by hatred and negative thoughts towards others or ourselves, we begin to act on those negatives thoughts. Unforgiveness is like a poison. Whatever happened that made there need to be a need to forgive was poison. The poison slowly seeps into your mind and soul when you allow it to manifest into hatred, or sadness, or you begin to believe the lies. This poison creeps out into your actions and mindset, leaking out into all different aspects of your life until everything is poisoned. Everything is tainted and corrupt. The poison of unforgiveness is quick, but the option to forgive is the anecdote- healing, uplifting, and cleansing. Choosing to forgive and trade in the lies for truth is a step towards the actual you.

Choose Joy

Carl Young once said “I am not what happened to me, but I am what I choose to become”. You can choose to grow from mistakes, from being screwed, having shitty things happen to you. You can choose joy, love, kindness, understanding, forgiveness. The power to be who we want is ours. You just have to weed out all of the things that have snuck into your life on the way. Growing up I believed a lot of things that were said about me. So when I got married I had this idea that I really wasn’t good enough, or smart enough, or pretty. Then when my husband asked me for a divorce it almost solidified those childhood curses and I believed them more then than ever. It has taken a decent amount of time to recognize that I viewed my life from the lenses of a poisonous person, someone who did not choose joy or love. You can’t go around in life and let other peoples thoughts of you become your truth. You must find your own truth- and that is what you become.




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