Its only Wednesday and I am ready to call it quits. I suck. Monday (let’s see if I can even remember Monday) I went to Walmart at 6AM to buy stuff to make my Halloween costume. Monday at work was PSYCHO. By time I left work I had between 5pm and 10:58PM to make my Halloween costume, carve pumpkins, and submit a paper. FUN. I ended up crawling in bed sometime between 11 and 11:30 and woke up at 4 because apparently I never sleep ever. YAY.
Tuesday at work was a super hard day for me. I left at 2 for lunch and went home and cried. Yep. Then I went back to work, handled business and left at 5 to help get my friends kiddo ready for Halloween and go trick or treating. I left around 7 PM to go pack some clothes for the next two nights and stayed at Vegas Friends. Vegas Friend is sick, so it’s only a matter of time before I too am sick.
Last night I barely slept because I couldn’t turn my mind off. So I tossed and turned and Vegas Friend slept upright and used an obscene amount of tissues throughout the night. This morning I got up, got dressed and headed straight to work. Then I remembered I forgot to pay a bill and I left somethings at home, including food…
I went to Vegas Friends at lunch for a check in. Sick as a dog and miserable. My head is hurting and I feel achy but I am just going to try and push through until Friday where I can die on the weekend. I am eating a cliff protein bar and kids fruit snacks for lunch thanks to the Health and Wellness Fair that’s going on upstairs from my cube.
I was thinking about the weirdness of being divorced last night. Making food for just me, paying for everything myself, not having someone to “come home to”. My roommate counts, but not completely.
Its so beautifully fall here and I feel so alone. More alone than I think I have ever felt. My friend said its the time of year with the holidays coming up and that its normal. Maybe so. Nevertheless its one more thing.
This process of divorce does not end. I will never be married to him again, we wont have kids together, I don’t own a home or have a dog. My forever best friend and husband I don’t even know.
When I signed my part of the divorce papers it seemed so final. There was so much hesitation, so much hurt, so much WHAT THE FUCK. And I feel like that all over again.
When I have a bad day I cant run to him. (even though I don’t want to run to him at all?)
When good things happen I don’t rejoice with him.
I have new people I talk to or confide in… but I miss what having a husband was like. The companionship. I don’t miss HIM, I miss the relationship, closeness, the bond that I thought we had.
Not to say that I am wanting to get married again or start dating, but I see the value in relationships.
I need a little vacation. Vegas friend and I might go back to Vegas soon. Or I might just take an extended weekend one of these days and do a lot of nothing. I need to get back to basics. I need a bit of a pick me up, some happiness, some time that I just relax.