Do I believe in God? Why I am not religious anymore.

Growing up I wasn’t raised in a “religious” home by any means. My eighth grade teacher was the one who told be about God and got me started on going to church. I actually really liked church for the time that I attended it. I can’t say that I liked the drama, but I just think that goes with the territory.

When I moved to California I didn’t have my home church anymore. I went to church with my Aunt and Uncle. Strangely I never really got into it the way I did when I was in Texas. It took me a long time to understand why I wasn’t “godly” anymore. Then it totally hit me- when I was in Texas I so needed church, positivity, a group of people to help me because I was going through so much. Being in California and away from the crazy I didn’t have a huge urge to go to church anymore. I just didn’t.

When I met my Ex we talked about church and we both had the same views. But, total disclosure, when my ex and I lived together before we got married I could not bring myself to go inside a church. I felt a lot of shame and guilt. In my mind I couldn’t process sinning yet going to church on Sunday and back home to sinning. That’s a secret about me. I am a huge rule follower and if I can’t follow the rules 100% I basically can’t function. This was really brought to light when we looked for someone to marry us and asked his childhood pastor. The pastor very plainly stated that since we lived together he would not marry us, and I would have to move out. I remember being extremely hurt and upset about this. Yet another catalyst for my “religion” epiphany.

Throughout our marriage I would go to his mom’s church. My Ex worked all the time so we would rarely have the chance to go to church together. In all honesty, I avoided church too. My feelings were changed I think.

Then came the divorce. Where a lot of my “Christian” friends weren’t so Christian anymore, and I felt different about God 100%.

I still “believe” in God. But I don’t go to church. I don’t pray, or read my bible. I cuss like a sailor and I drink on the weekends. I found that I like a lot of other religions, not just Christianity. I don’t know what that classifies me as though? Do I need a title? I like a lot of Buddhists thoughts and quotes. I don’t think less of people who are gay or identify with another gender. I don’t judge people based on their religion. My motto now is that whatever religion ignites your soul is the one for you. It’s not my job to judge or to correct.

My goal is to be tolerant and loving of other people. I want to be accepting of every race, religion and belief. I want to act in love and kindness to everyone I meet. I strive to lift others up and validate them when they need it. What religion is that? I have always thought it’s just being a normal human being.

I don’t think that we need titles to explain who we are or what we believe in. Isn’t a title a little rude? Setting parameters on what we do and don’t think and believe with no loop holes?

“I try to do good in the world not out of fear of hell or reward of heaven, but because it feels better not to be an asshole”

 

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