I am not sure if it’s the depression meds, lack of sleep, or maybe I am just coming into my old age. (Old, 23, super old). I have recently learned that sometimes keeping a secret causes more pain than actually letting people in. Prime example, I have a phobia of something that most people don’t. I never tell anyone because I am ashamed of it. I feel like I will be judged and looked down at. I hate people knowing. Then one day it slipped and I told one of my friends. She met me in grace and understanding. Then I told another, and another… now practically everyone knows and it has helped me get over it! You can’t expect to have healing if you don’t open yourself up.
When the divorce bomb initially dropped I didn’t tell a soul. In fact, I went to work that Monday and pretended like nothing ever happened. Side note: holy crap that might have been the hardest thing I have ever done. A few days later I went for a walk with a coworker and basically flooded the sidewalk with my tears. She had no judgement, or mean remarks. She had a shoulder for me to cry on, an ear to listen to all of my “why” questions.
I deactivated my Facebook that was plastered with pictures of the wedding, our home, the puppy- the life I spent so much time and money creating with my favorite person in the world. I couldn’t look at the pictures, and I really couldn’t tell people I got a divorce. How horrible! Awful! Sinful! So I hid. I hid behind a new Pinterest, Instagram, Facebook. I hid from all of reality. Now, I don’t regret that choice for one second. It was what I needed. But it wasn’t reality.
A few weeks ago I got on my old Facebook and posted that I was getting a divorce. Not for sympathy, I am basically over all most of it, but for a free mind. I felt like I was living a lie. Everyone (well, maybe there were some people who thought I was a wicked banshee doomed for hell) was so incredibly supportive. Support that I could have used in the beginning when I was so lonely it hurt.
Since I have written this blog I have kept it near and dear with the people it reaches. Still protecting myself, protecting my blog. Then I started to think that I don’t care if it upsets people, or if the truth is painful. It’s my life.
So I posted my blog on my old married Facebook. I changed my profile picture, set my relationship status to “divorced”. My ex, his sister in law, brother, mom, dad, aunt, uncle… Everyone can read the other side. And by no means is this a bash fest. This is a 23 year old delving out her heart, renting a room, trying to survive on a fourth of the income, by herself. This is a girl who trusted her husband so unbelievably she never thought she would need a backup plan. I didn’t know what company our lights were through, or when our mortgage was due, I trusted him to know. I was also super naïve. Hindsight is 20/20.
What I got from this, from losing the shame of divorce and embracing the newness, was freedom. I am so light, refreshed, at peace. I know that divorce is serious, and my heart that trusts no one is proof of it. However, I think that being open and honest about your divorce is one of the most crucial things you can ever do.