There was a time I believed in love at first site. When I met my ex I was attracted to him, and I instantly knew I would marry him. We would go on dates that lasted hours, close down restaurants and talk about all the things. We spoke about religion, children, finances, love. We couldn’t get enough of each other. I loved him with a love I didn’t know was possible. A love that made me scared of him not returning home because “how would I go on?”.
But now after all of the tears and fights I can’t say that I believe in love at all anymore. I remember sitting on the kitchen floor sobbing on my knees one night during an argument. I had just sank to my knees, exhausted of the same fight, depleted of every hope. When I think of love I think about the nights I spent alone in bed. The dinners I cooked that were not appreciated, the time I sacrificed in exchange for nothing.
I think it is the season of life that I am in right now. I don’t want to be committed to anyone. I have no desire to get married in the next few years. I don’t even want to date anyone. I don’t want to try and please someone, or try to be my best. I hate the thought of getting married again, picking a dress, deciding to buy a house, and arguing over paint colors- I have already done those things. I have done the cute Christmas cards. I have had the excitement of buying “Our First Home”. I am done.
I am in love though.
I am in love with buying what I want when I want. I love going where ever I please. In love with going to school, random trips to see friends or family. I am in love with running, the beach, coffee on the patio, lunch time walks. I am so in love with so many things, but he is not it.