Freaking Crap….

I don’t know what it is but it really seems like every two or three weeks I freak out and think about all the ways I am not doing *exactly* what I should be. This makes me horrifically anxious. I start to second guess everything and really beat myself up about anything I can think of. I basically make it my life mission to mentally screw myself over it seems.

I am having such issues lately- issues that usually I try to hide and not mention, or just not think about. But lately they seems to just be so much greater than what I can actually deal with. Though of course I CAN deal with them, I have no choice.

Things like a super important friendship that I really think is coming to an end- and this is painful. On one hand I want to just say “well hurry up and just rip the band aid off… “and on the other hand I wonder if I am making all of this up.

Financially things are really weird for me too. Now I have this car payment, and insurance, rent, and school and books I am paying for. See that I didn’t mention groceries? Yeah. I just don’t buy them and instead I eat ramen or whatever is left over at work- haha! Seriously considering if I should sell a kidney… okay, maybe not “seriously” but I have googled the cost out of sheer curiosity.

Divorce crap is just pissing me off. I should be served next week with even more papers- these papers will tell me what he is claiming as his items/ assets and will ultimately help with the settlement process. But with everything I get from his lawyer I just feel more and more strange. Is this really happening? I am not in love with him, I can’t love someone that way after the way things ended. So why does it bother me? Why can’t I get over things?

I “don’t know” so much crap right now. I don’t know how I am going to pay for things, how this one class I am in is going to pan out… I don’t even know what I am eating for lunch because I didn’t bring anything! I spilled coffee all over my cube today, realized the underwear I have on has been chomped on by my friends two dogs (don’t get dressed in the dark), my nose is so dry from being sick and my lips are chapped.

But tomorrow is Friday- not that Friday really means anything because I still have to deal with all this freaking crap- but. Tomorrow is Friday.

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