To My Ex Husband, Then VS Now.

— I wrote this very soon after the bomb dropped. I have edited most of the cuss words out.—

 

I don’t understand any of this. I was not made to understand this. You do not get married to get divorced. Three years of a life and now I’m in a home you don’t even know about.

I search for your vehicles when I take my afternoon walks. I pan the parking lot whenever I run errands. Petrified of the man I gave everything to. Hiding from the person who knows me most.

I am not who you thought I was… I’m not who I thought I was either. I thought if I was a better wife, did everything perfectly that you would be happy, you would be satisfied. My best was never good enough and eventually, that thought consumed me.  I became obsessed with order and routine trying to perfect my own self so you could love me, but that is not love at all. I think you deeply wanted to be a good man and maybe that thought consumed you. You began to control anything I could do. Every opinion asked of me was not accepted.  You knew my shortcomings and began to play on them, using them against me. 

 Maybe it’s my own fault because it took your massive shit storm for me to realize what a mistake this was. I wanted to be wanted and I wanted to be loved and all I got was belittled. I could never have the right answer or argue. I was not allowed to disagree or feel contrary to your family.

If the sky was blue you would say it was green and labor into me how incorrect I was. I tried to build you up when you would ask hundreds of questions, searching for self-worth. I would say everything true and kind and you would berate me with more questions until I became exhausted of the game you were playing. I came to you with my anxiety-laden heart and you brushed it off, told me to get over it and drank with your buddies.

I told you I was depressed and you made it about you- who makes it about them? Why? WHY? I hate that I want to change my hair or get a tattoo, You knew my everything, my fears, and concerns, how my mind worked and how I was dying just to get through the days and you didn’t even care. 

—My thoughts now—

You were not the only one to blame, though I am definitely not making any excuses for you. I know I was consumed in my anxiety, dying to live a life where I could express myself. I wasn’t interested in the things you were interested in, and in a lot of ways I pushed my views on you as well. The difference is that you never took it..

I denied you plenty. albeit dinner, time or attention. I was busy on my phone or with the dog.

I became cold to you too soon thinking that you would never change (and maybe you won’t) and I was impatient with your thought patterns.

Nonetheless, we did each other wrong. I was not perfect, wasn’t nice, nor the best wife at times. Now this is a new beginning where you and I, two separate entities, can build a life apart that will bring joy.

 

#eventhoughistillwanttoeggyourhouse

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