Divorcing not just him.

file2-1The hardest part of divorce is the unexpected things. The people who don’t know and randomly ask “where’s your husband?”. Friends you bump into at Target that notice your empty finger and you’re left to provide an explanation for something you don’t even understand yourself. When your phone rings and its your pregnant (ex?) sister in law and your heart drops and all you can think is the worst.

We were best friends, she and I. She helped me understand marriage when things were new and strange. I sat in on late night nursing sessions with her first born, my sweet niece. She cried to me about her fears, and I to her. But that was then.

We talked for an hour and my heart began to swell as we talked about their baby on the way. I won’t see New Baby grow up, and I won’t see my his niece grow up. Then it happened. She asked me how I was, prefaced with “I know that’s a loaded question”… and really, loaded is an understatement.

How am I doing….

How am I doing?

You mean after I was essentially left to find a place to live with a moments notice? How am I doing after the man I was married to drained our savings and denied me hotel money, sending me on my way with out a care? How am I doing… 

I am okay. I am working and going to school. I found a place to live with a good friend.

“Is it weird? Are you over things, do you think? Like… do you still have feelings for him?”.

Uhm…. I have a lot of feelings, but probably not the nicest ones.

I’m definitely over him, but probably not the way you think.

And then…

“It seems like he is really doing okay. It was hard for him for a week, but then he was fine!”

What do I say to that? What,exactly, is the appropriate response when all you want to say is “Well, he was supposed to protect and love me, and now I am doing everything on my own… and he seems totally great! So F him!”

That’s not really appropriate though. Because reality is that even though the rejection of divorce is so incredibly painful… it’s also immensely freeing.

And even though I want to egg his house and scream at him and question God… I also want to just jump for joy. You see, maybe I shouldn’t have ever gotten married to begin with. But I did, and I tried to make it work. I think he tried too. But that was then.

Now we are just two people who used to know each other trying to make a new life. I can do whatever I want without regard to what he thought I should or shouldn’t do. He can move to Waxahachie and have 17 kids with a barefoot wife. (That’s the nice way to say *fyou* in my mind.)

I am divorcing more than just him. I am divorcing his family. I am divorcing what I thought was my life. I am getting a divorce from the negativity. Divorce to what I thought I needed a man to do. Divorcing expectations and restrictions.





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