I don’t know if you’ve heard of me, but I am the Struggle Bus. I am what you ride when shit gets too real to ride the Easy Train. Years ago I was the Easy… More
One of my favorite things to do as of the last year or so is to explore, or see new things, get out- ANYTHING that has a twinge of discovery I seem to be obsessed with. This weekend my discovery session was AWESOME. Vegas Friend sent me a picture of the back of a bus one day (random, I know) and there was an advertisement for the Gem Fair. My response was probably “YAAAAS!” With some added in heart eye emojis of course. I did tell him he was a silly man though, why would he tell me about the Gem Fair when he knew he would just get roped into going? He might have instantly regretted that decision, but like a good Vegas Friend didn’t bail. Props to you my friend, props.
There were SO MANY THINGS TO SEE that at some point it just became overwhelming. I was a kid in a candy store. Rows of crystals, geodes, beads, jewelry, palo santo, sage. There was this one awesome table, pretty big in the middle of the fair. They must have had every type of crystal and “hippy” type thing you could think of. Along with some gorgeous singing bowls. But, I am not going to lie, the guy manning the table looked like he would sell his grandmas kidney on the black market for a five dollar bill. I scurried past that one.
I stopped for a bit where there were a lot of the larger crystal clusters, some so amazing you just wonder if they are real. How are they real? How are there still crystals considering everyone’s fascination?
There were some awesome Chakra wands, and even a rose quartz wand with the 7 chakras at the top and a crystal ball as a topper. Stinkin awesome! Hindsight’s 20/20- definitely should have gotten one but it was #expensive and I am #notrich.
Then Vegas Friend ended up surprising me with two things I think he knew I wanted. There is “Tigers Eye” and then there is “Cats Eye” but I did not know there was a difference until today. I saw this beautiful ball (okay, it’s probably not called a ball but I don’t know what it is called, so… ball) of Tigers/Cats eye, but it was 100 bucks!!!!! So I walked away REAL fast and scoffed about it to Vegas Friend. As we were leaving Vegas Friend says “oh here” and hands me what looks like the Tigers/Cats eye. I almost freak thinking he’s lost his mind and said “How much was this?!” He goes “70 bucks” and I think I died… then he said, nope- kidding. It was eight dollars”. And that’s the story of how I almost had a ball induced heart attack. Which ever is more expensive, I now have a ball of the cheaper one.
This was super fun to go to, and now I have a few small trinkets to add to my collection!
So this is a topic I never touch on because I feel like it is way too personal and incriminating to the aliases I have made on my blog. But I have written many blogs that explain what happens when you have a “Bonus Kid” and just never published them. Welp- that’s all changing now.
You see, when Vegas Friend and I started to become “closer friends” we kept Bonus Kid out of everything. BK didn’t know about me, we weren’t around with each other and it was a non issue. Now from my past blogs you will know that I had an interesting upbringing and that has made me a very “Child Sensitive Minded” person- if that’s a thing. I am always very receptive to kids feelings and very in-tuned with what they are trying to say. I am very empathetic by nature, and maybe more so with kids.
So here we are. Vegas Friend and Bonus Kid, my new “normal” that feels so weird. Weird because I am #not trying to be Bonus Kids mom, and they know that. Weird because I am zero percent qualified to even drive a kid around with me- yet I do. This is a whole new experience of “kid” that I have never known.
I didn’t know I could love a kid that wasn’t mine, or have the school calendar memorized of Bonus Kids days off. I didn’t know there would ever be a time of me looking at a report card and being super proud- Bonus Kid isn’t just a silly goober, but a SMART silly goober.
That’s kind of the thing about “Bonus Kids”. They are the bonus to your relationship. The provide humor, random outbursts about how much they have to pee, ladle in twenty pound of garlic “accidentally” and leave crumbs all over the place. And then they leave and you miss them. Bonus in the sense that I can hardly stand most other peoples kids, minus good friends, and I actually like this one!
Bonus because I have learned SO MUCH through Bonus Kid, and I get to show BK new things, like art, or planting, or playing scrabble (although, have you ever played scrabble with a kid?! I am not sure I advise. Lol).
One huge lesson is that I usually have the patience of a saint with BK. I am never upset, never annoyed or frustrated. BK is a kid, and I am pretty good at remembering that. EXCEPT, for when I am not good at it. We had a “long” day of a lot of highs and lows. The day started off GREAT, and then I started not to feel 100%. I was really irritable and grouchy. Well, turns out Kids sense EVERYTHING. And by 7 or so at night and the longest day of life, BK inadvertently throwing plants towards my eyeballs and then just being hangry- something happened. I was so agitated and uncomfortable I just got up and went inside.
I just wanted to shower the plants and day off of me and get ready to go out to dinner. Vegas Friend and BK were a little surprised because I have never just gotten up and walked away before. I went in to shower and Vegas Friend came in. I was sitting on the shower floor, Uber upset because I just let BK know I was frustrated. Well, turns out BK started crying because she thought I was mad at her, and then I felt like total garbage. So I went in to talk to her. It took me back to being a kid and when my grandma would be upset with me. I would get so wrapped up in my feelings I would just start to cry. BK said, you’re always so calm and you always take my side and make me laugh, and tonight you just walked away. So pause here, and just hear my heart shatter in a million pieces. Yep. I felt like a TOTAL ASS. I just explained we all have good days and bad days, and as an adult I should be able to handle my emotions better, and that I was sorry. We talked for an hour on her bed while Vegas Friend was dying of starvation on the couch- then went to have steak. And steak fixes everything.
I don’t totally know if there’s a point to this blog, or a lesson to take away. But props to the actual moms with the actual kids who do this on the daily. A Bonus Kid is hard enough.
I know, I know, so dramatic… But wowza watching the flowers pour in at work even the day before Valentine’s day got me all emotional… and pissed. And for reasons that I can’t even say I understand- yet here we are, emotional and pissed. Now the weirdest part of this is that it’s not like my husband really did a lot for me when it came to Valentine’s day, or even my birthday for that matter. So I shouldn’t be upset at all, it should really just be another day, another year of not getting something. BUT it just seems like everything is magnified and emotions are high and I just want to walk around with two middle fingers up all day. Too bad that’s not even in the realm of “Professional Behavior”.
Then people who I do tell about how I feel just say that Valentine’s Day just say that it’s “a made up holiday anyway, just don’t think about it”. But it’s not Valentine’s Day I hate, it’s just the reminder that at some point I was in love, and said vows promising to love someone till death do us part- or really until my husband just decided he wanted a divorce and BOOM, marriage over. OY!
But I will just swim in all the Celine Dion songs ever made, eat my own chocolate and wear pink anyway.
Oh, but F-U Valentines Day. J
Then I would say a lot of things that would make you think differently.
Because honestly I have no clue what I am doing in my life. And honestly I almost quit 7 times today. And I want to find some sort of happiness in the day and wine seems like it would do that. I want to go to sleep and have a dance party at the same time. I want to buy all of the things that I have seen lately because society tells me that it brings joy.
But honestly I am just writing a blog, doing laundry and watching my phone blow up about things I don’t care to read. Honestly I won’t drink a sip of wine because I know it doesn’t solve shit. Honestly I am blasting some weird song that has an appreciative amount of bass while contemplating eating nutella for dinner.
And honestly I have succulents and cereal in my trunk, a sock on my table and not a care in the world.
If I am being honest then I have grown so so much. I asked Mom/ Ass Kicker if I could dye my hair black and get my nose pierced. She said no… But I think I would. And maybe get a tattoo. Buy tarot cards, more crystals and a magic 8 ball because it brings me joy.
The journey of finding yourself is really weird when you start to change all over again. Everyday I want to be at the beach and blast music, everyday I want to paint or run 52 miles. I just W A N T so much- and not a person or any particular thing- but experience.
I want to go travel some more this year. I have no upcoming trips planned and I think I need to change that.
Today at work I got so frustrated with a huge project (magically due today) that one of the Program Directors made me tea (she’s British and tea fixes everything). She said if this is you frustrated I would have never known- you’re still calm, quiet and chipper. And it kind of brought me back to reality. No matter what I “feel” has changed about me, it doesn’t change the ME inside. I am still kind, caring and strangely obsessed with English Breakfast tea.
And honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Soooo. I basically have the best friends ever. First there’s Mom/Ass Kicker letting me use her house as an Amazon package post office and supplying me with animal crackers and macaroni. Then there’s B who has bought me so much stuff for my “apartment”, down to deodorant and conditioner. And then we have Vegas Friend. Who comes to help me all the time with literally everything.
He offered me his truck to help move my stuff.
He supplies me with pepper spray.
Buys my favorite pop tarts and always ensures there’s coffee creamer at his house for me. Ps- he doesn’t drink coffee.
I mention a good wine once and he tries to buy 6 of them- he doesn’t drink alcohol either.
He’s always there for late night “what am I doing with my life” phone calls.
He listens to work drama.
He reads all my blogs and always checks to see how the Vegas Friend ones preform. He likes to think Adultish is growing because of him. Lol. Which is notably true according to my stats.
And then he does some crazy shit like spend his last few hours before having to go to bed to work 12 hours straight to put my bed frame up.
Oh wait- forgot something.
He let’s me crash at his house and vomit when I leave work from a migraine.
I can’t say I “have insomnia” because I’ve yet to make a doctors appointment and be technically labeled an insomniac. But…. I never sleep. For weeks I’ve been sleeping MAYBE 3.5 hours a night. I really don’t even know how I’m alive. I wake up and when I can’t go back to sleep I become really irritable and annoyed. So instead I usually will just get up and get some things done.
Which brings me to- Things You Do At 3AM!
1. Take a foreverly long shower where you shave your entire body to naked-mole-rat-status.
2. Color coordinate your socks- if you own socks. I have like 3 pair and they are all patterned so this doesn’t work for me- but it might for you!
3. Do laundry- because you need clean underwear.
4. Make a grocery list.
5. Put a face mask on and rock out to some music.
6. Reorganize your dresser (for the 7th time)
7. Do your taxes. Because it’s the law. (Is it? Idk. But the IRS is real- so just do them #TurboTaxForTheWin)
8. Contemplate life and all the things you want to accomplish.
9. Make a new list of goals for the month/ week.
10. Clean out your fridge (you filthy animal).
But here are the actual things you do at 3AM-
1. Roll over in bed for the 76th time.
2. Scower instagram, even though there’s no new updates because all of the normal people are asleep.
3. Think about that one email you didn’t respond to.
4. Stress about life as we know it and question when you became an adult.
5. Contemplate going to IHOP because you’re starving.
6. Stick one leg out of the blanket- maybe you’re too hot.
7. Put the leg back in the blanket, monsters are real and they will get that leg.
8. Start to become frustrated when you realize you’re up for good and your whole day will consist of you devouring coffee at an abnormal rate.
9. Regret all the naps you didn’t take as a child.
10. Google “ways to fall asleep” until you stumble across some memes and start texting your friends said memes.
We’ve known each other for years. We went on a “date” (really unsure if it should be called a date, complicated) the night I signed my divorce papers. Now- this was *not* a date. I am not like a total crazy person here who decided 4 minutes after getting a divorce that “I wanted to start dating”. We simply went to dinner.
We spent a lot of time together at first. We would get off work at about the same time, usually make some sort of dinner plans, and sometimes I would stay the night. Now this was also before the time that I drove, so Vegas Friend would pick me up and drop me off all the time.
Dinner, movies, get a massage, go to Vegas, stay in and watch Tosh.0- even weird mundane shit like grocery shopping- I didn’t drive and we both needed to go.
I needed to buy a car so I saved what I thought would be enough for a down payment. Vegas friend and I woke up one morning and he said “wanna go car shopping today?”. And no, I did not. At all. I thought I was going to DIE from anxiety. I wouldn’t even test drive any of the vehicles because I was too scared. I ended up finding my car, and when the dealership wanted X amount of money more for a down payment, Vegas Friend, without hesitation, offered it to me. And I really didn’t want to take it, and it felt weird- but I was also so close to owning that car that I accepted. And of course, I paid him back.
( Side note, I did end up calling Mom/Ass Kicker at the dealership where she was like BUY THE DAMN CAR- in a nice way of course>)
Now I still didn’t have my license and Vegas Friend and I would practice in my car all the time… But I couldn’t bring myself to take the driver’s test. Then one-day Vegas Friend called me on my shit when I was in Texas. Basically, said I didn’t drive because I was too scared to drive, and I was just holding myself back. And he was stupidly correct. So, I made an appointment, took the test and PASSED! Still probably one of the greatest feelings I have had in my life.
Vegas Friend and I have been to Vegas twice, Palm Springs, we do fun random stuff all the time. He helped me move into where I am living now
Now I know what you’re thinking- wow, this “friend” is awfully nice. And yep, he is. But I think it’s obvious by our Vegas trips and sleep overs that we are a smidge more than friends. It’s complicated though- I won’t marry Vegas Friend. He won’t marry me. We won’t ever say I love you, or live together- and we are both 100% okay with that. We have a very low maintenance kind of “relationship” that works for both of us right now- and when it doesn’t work, then we will talk about it.
But this is what I will say… even though I am super hesitant to say these things on a blog…
The things I have learned from Vegas Friend are amazing. (So please Mom/Ass Kicker/ any one else who doesn’t want to know TURN AWAY)
I love traveling.
I love stuffed jalapenos.
There’s no way to see a movie unless it’s with reclining seats.
Sex is supposed to be good for BOTH people.
Star Wars doesn’t suck as much as I thought it would.
Relationships should be built on respect.
Back rubs solve almost everything.
People who respect you will never physically hurt you- in any capacity.
Beignets are a special type of delicious.
Day drinking is acceptable when you are on vacation.
Life is too short to eat crappy food.
What makes sex good is being comfortable and honest with each other.
Shit Vegas Friend does that makes me smile-
Ties my hair in a ponytail when I make cookies so it’s not in my face.
Cleans my car window when he fills my car up (because I don’t like to pump).
Makes sure the heater is on when I come over.
Teaches me to put air in my tires.
Spends money on a henna tattoo for me, knowing it will wash off.
Pretty sure he almost called 911 one day when I was writhing in pain from cramps at his house.
Like I said, it’s REALLY complicated. And I am leaving a few key pieces out here as to why it is so complicated.
But it works, and if for nothing else to teach us both some more lessons in life with a smile- and a lunch buddy.