Hello lovelies, and welcome back to Adultish! Now as you know if you’ve been following my blog for any amount of time I am about as anxious as they come. I’m talking I can’t tie… More
Every night I meet the stars at 1am and I start the dance I know too well.
Tossing with sheets and trips to the bathroom, making a to do list and checking notifications.
Every night is the same and my mind spills out a thousand words in the notes section of my phone, never to be seen.
I douse myself in lavender, cling to my crystals and turn on soothing music but my mind continues to race of that one email I didn’t reply to and thoughts of impending doom if I somehow fall asleep again and find myself late to work, only compounding my list and ensuring I forget another email.
Mental questions of what I am doing and how I am doing it.
Maybe I am too rough with myself, striving for all that can be done and yet still not satisfied.
So I Pinterest moon quotes, maybe I will find solace in the spoken words of other insomniacs.
Maybe I have lost me in all the searching I have done to be whole.
What if me is not whole at all but rather fragments of people I was in the past.
I am a twinge of divorced, a sprinkle of 24 and barely making it, a dash of ass kicker/moms hopes of my life and a whirlwind of questions from BK such as “what is a douchebag”.
My phone is filled with unanswered texts.
Not because I don’t care, but because I am lost as to a reply.
I don’t know what to do about your relationship and I can’t tell you ten more times to leave.
I don’t know if I want to go to church with you because I never sleep I have hopes one day I will, and that’ll likely be on a Sunday.
So instead, meet me where I am, at 3 am with a cup of coffee in my blog comments or at my door.
Bring coffee to me at work and understand when I cant “stay a while”.
Realize I have 7 hours of homework and a ten page paper due and meet me in grace when I feel unsure if I am really smart enough.
Know if I don’t respond it’s not out of malice, but the more likely scenario that I forgot or just don’t know what to say.
Understand our life paths are completely different and I am not being rude, rather practical.
Don’t blame my unavailability on what you think is depression or anxiety because I am doing quite well right now, thank you.
Ask if I have eaten and bring be food anyway because I am likely lying and too busy to stop.
Hug me when you see me and hold me tight and maybe I will take a break.
Bring chocolate with bad news and bring a smile if you need a favor.
Bring your whole self and I’ll bring mine and we can meet somewhere in the middle of expectation and reality.
If you didn’t already know I have a mild obsession with getting my life together and staying organized. I have written several blogs about GYSTing and just getting your life together in general, I will link them down below in case you’re in a stalking mood. One thing that I really love to do is set goals for each month. June was a good month, I got a lot of stuff done and went to Vegas- so really, who could complain? We are already SEVEN months into 2018; how did this even happen?
Now some months I have extravagant goals like building a pyramid out of butter, but this month I am taking it easy, relatively.
My first goal is to continue to save money. I have a few extra things coming up that will add income to my life. My goal for 2018 was to have X amount of money saved up, and July is going to be a huge stepping stone to accomplish that goal. If I don’t spend it all on food first.
Second, I mentioned a few blogs ago I wanted to start taking vitamins, well I bought them… and for maybe two weeks took them. So now the goal is to CONSISTANTLY take vitamins. Why is this so hard for me?
I need to buy tires. Probably don’t NEED to buy them this month but everytime I drive I am reminded I need to buy them and it’s stressing me out. This will be the month.
Selfishly, I have decided I need a little more “me” time. I have also really gotten back into reading again so I am making it a goal to finish a book this month. I know that doesn’t seem hard at all, but with a full time job, full time school, blog, and extreme anxiety and OCD, completing a book seems like a dream to me.
I want to schedule posts 2/week on Adultish. I did to the May Blog A Day (31 blogs straight) so I *should* be able to write two a week… but for some reason this just seems daunting!
And then, random as hell, my last goal is just weird. I just want to remember to put lotion on everyday. It’s dry and hot here, okay?
As you can tell, these goals are for sure easier than some of my other ones- but these are the things I want to focus on. I’m weird, I know.
I’m not sure if you’ve heard of the book “The Power Of Now”, written by Eckhart Tolle. I hadn’t heard of it until Kayln Nicholson mentioned it in a few of her social media platforms, and on this video. I made mention to Ass Kicker/Mom one day about the book and a few hours later at her house- BOOM THE BOOK!
I am really enjoying the book. I wouldn’t call it a fast read simply because every sentence I am internalizing and trying to make it resonate with what my brain currently thinks.
I feel like there is only two things to do, like above. Either you leave situations that you are not happy with, or you accept it. Because staying in that situation is ridiculous. You either decide enough is enough and you change your physical place in that situation, or you work inwardly to accept the situation for what it is. But what sense would it make for a lion to be in an area with no food, when it could simply walk a bit and find food? Don’t make yourself a victim to circumstances, instead, be victorious.
You know that old saying “misery loves company”? Well, it’s true; misery loves misery! Think about this, if you are upset with something it’s almost nice to be upset and angry. For some reason deep down we like to feel full of emotion, regardless of if it is negative or positive. When someone makes you mad you tell your friend, and you gripe about it, harp on it for a few hours, maybe even start drama because of it. But why? The next time you are upset, don’t let that problem consume you, why would you give something so trivial the power to steal your joy? If you are consciously aware of what your mind is thinking versus what you know the truth to be you will catch yourself in this downward spiral.
Can I get an amen? Obviosly this entire book is about “NOW” hence the title, but this rings so true. If you don’t do something now, then you do it later… until you do something else later, and the first thing becomes never. Do not let things get away from you, from the now, because all there is, is NOW.
This plainly states the difference between learning from mistakes, and emotionally becoming consumed with them. Now, if I step on a cricket and accidentally kill it I will learn from that mistake to watch where I am walking. Boom, done. If I step on a cricket and I kill it and then I stay in bed for 6 days thinking about the baby crickets who no longer have a mom and how I am forever the cricket killer, that is a problem. I am giving into emotions and making more of a situation than what is, I am essentially, stealing from the now and feeding into psychological time where it is not edifying to myself, or my goals, it’s only hindering me, but remembering the concept above, providing a false feeling of comfort.
I mean…. mind blown. Here’s the thing, I believe that deep down we already have all the answers we are asking for, we just don’t know we do. Everything you need to know, you do! You’ve learned it in other situations or from other people, your soul screams it’s desires and you listen in ways you might not expect, but you already know everything- you just have to trust yourself.
This is the most mind blowing part in my opinion. If have depression or anxiety you know that little voice all too well. It just never shuts up! But that voice is not you, that’s just the voice. It’s not you. And you have the power to shut that voice off. Once you can grasp that concept in your mind, your entire life will change! I will agree that is a hard concept to grasp, especially because the voice in your head right now is saying “yeah right, you can’t do that”. But you can and I really think it’s the secret to accomplishing your goals or conquering fears.
So there you have it, I hope your mind is officially WTF-ed. Because mine is. But I couldn’t not share these things with you because I really think this book is 100% life changing and I am actually a little jelly I didn’t write it myself, to be honest.
**This blog contains a link that I could, potentially, make a few cents on. Know you don’t have to buy this book, but it does support Adultish, and besides me really appreciating it, I am happy to see how your life changes from this book as well. **
Well Well Well my internet friends, I was nominated TWICE to do the Get To Know Me Tag. I’ve written a lot about myself on this blog both here and here so feel free to internet stalk those blogs for a clearer understanding of just how obsessed I am with random things in life.
I’ve been meaning to write another blog about random things, so this worked out just in time!
Afraid of heights? Depends…. Am I hovering 87,000 feet in the air above man eating fish or am I in a penthouse sweet? Cause there’s a difference!
Best feature- I have really slender arms that reach into the smallest nooks and crannies of the printers at work. It’s a hidden skill, really.
My favorite ice cream is orange sherbet. I know. It’s not even ice cream.
Favorite musician- CELINE
Favorite town/city- Palm Springs probably.
Tattoos? Nope. I’m WAY to scared of pain.
Good coke- Let’s just say I would rather just go out to eat. I CAN cook. I just don’t have the desire to.
I go to bed at or before 10pm everyday. Even on the weekend. I just can NOT hang.
My favorite thing to do on the weekend is sit on the living room floor with BK and eat hot cheetos and listen to her funny kid stories, and then we freak out about how fiery our mouths feel.
I feel like it takes me considerably longer to go through hair or body products than it takes other people. Maybe cause I am the size of a 5 year old?
As much as I think working from home would be cool, I also think I would go INSANE.
I am the person in the summer heat still wearing a sweater. But at night I need it to be COLD or I just can not sleep.
Fajitas are my favorite thing of life right now. Give me all the bell peppers, onions and cilantro.
I am caught between 3 books right now and all I want to do is drink coffee and read all day long.
That’s all folks! If you have anything you’d like to know, or you would like me to answer- just let me know. These blogs are always fun to write.
Last year on June 22nd was the day the divorce bomb dropped. You can read all about that here. I didn’t think this day would be hard or bring up any emotions because I really thought I was over the divorce hump.
But I guess not. Because I’ve been pretty angry lately and not known why- but it’s all starting to make sense now. I am so angry because of the way things went down. I am somewhat a control freak, and one year ago my entire life was shattered. Everything I was working towards, everything I thought to be true wasn’t. I was left totally shell shocked and with a trillion things to figure out. Obviously I did figure everything out though.
Which brings me to my next angry point. I am so mad at me. How could I have not been prepared for something like this? How was it possible to be so dependent on someone else that my world came to a screeching halt at their command.
It’s a really tricky place to be in though. To be so angry at one situation but so happy that it didn’t work out at the same time. Last year, at this time, I had no idea what was about to happen. I didn’t know my ex husband wanted a divorce, I didn’t know he had spoken to a lawyer, I thought things were totally fine. So today, one year later, I am left with this PTSD feeling; when is something horrible and earth shattering going to happen? And i’m honestly scared. If something so intense can happen, what’s stopping another super intense thing from happening too?
I talked to Mom/Ass Kicker and told her how I was feeling. And she replied with the two simplest, best sentences ever. “Nothing is going to happen… I promise. You are protected in so many ways” which is so true! In my marriage I worked towards one general goal- marriage, kids, buy a house, train the dog. So it makes sense my world crashed down when that was over.
But ever since that day things have been different. My goals have been different. Here’s how things have been the past year.
June- bomb dropped
July- promoted in my job
August- bought my first car/ started adultish/ went to texas/ went to vegas
September- got my license
November- second Vegas trip
December- First Christmas alone, not fun. Vegas Friend saved the day there.
January- Moved to a new place more like my own apartment
February- Worked on furnishing my apartment. Stopped taking depression and anxiety medicine.
March- Started to get serious about finances/ credit scores/ and refinancing
April- Started implementing some life long goals and tasks into my everyday life- makes a huge difference. Got my passport.
May- refinanced my car. went to Cancun for my birthday. Did May Blog A Day and Blogged for 31 days straight. Found out my divorce was final. Started taking classes again.
And that brings us to back to day. Where I have a 10 page paper due in 3 days and had to be bribed with string cheese to complete half of it before bed last night. House sitting for Vegas Friend, making my own money, doing what I want when I want.
The ebbs and flows of divorce are just strange. I didn’t expect to feel like anything at all. But when something so intense happens, I guess it is only normal to have such a strong reaction.
This is not to say that I don’t want to egg his house or anything… but eggs are expensive and I would rather take that $5 of salmonella and buy ice cream with it instead.
All of this to say- if you’re going through something so incredibly rough, it gets better. Little by little you will get there, and you will grow and learn so much along the way. You just have to keep pushing.
I think I am l o s i n g m y m i n d
Let me explain. I drove to breakfast so I could enjoy some heavenly pancakes. I drove to a place I have driven eight trillion times before. I went the wrong way. Like, forgot I needed to turn and missed the entire route. Then blew straight through a stop sign. Then missed the TWO entrances to the restaurant.
I even tripped over a sock. Yes, I did just say a sock.
Weird people from my past are emailing and texting me.
People in real life are being all freaky weird.
And I am legit the real life version of Kermit the frog just minding my own business, drinking tea and chilling. It’s much better that way.
All I want in the entire world, other than a dog, pop socket, new luggage and the Samsonite backpack I saw yesterday, is to drink coffee and read a book. Maybe when I turned 24 some magical old lady dust was sprinkled on me. In my spare time I swing on the porch swing yelling “get outta my yard you hoodlum!” Just kidding. It’s a lawn chair. In my bedroom. And I yell at the squirrels.
I went out to eat last night with Vegas Friend and BK. The hostess looked over and said ” two kids and an adult?” And I almost threw my animal crackers at her right then! How rude. I feel like I’m not a second over 102 years old and I look like I need a kids menu?
I proctored an exam at work. I have to say a big long spiel every time about not cheating, how I can and can not help, what the rules are. But I usually tell them the slang version. Something along the lines of “I can’t answer any questions about the test, which is good for you because it looks like spanish to me… You can not cheat. Or think about cheating. Or think about thinking about cheating… if you do cheat I have to do so much work, and you get in trouble and I didn’t wake up at 4 this morning for you to cheat. You can’t have your phones out, or laptops, tablets, or any item that brings you joy. You must remove anything fun” And then once the exams are out I usually say “You guys can start… may the odds be ever in your favor”. Why you ask do I do this? No idea. Probably because I know they are miserable and if I had to retort the original lame speech I would be miserable too. And because well, that’s who I am! I know they appreciate someone who is normal and human. Many times the graduating class has baked me cookies, gotten all the students to sign a thank you card and some one even brought me a coffee mug… they were the real MVP.
All of this to say that I might be going crazy, and blowing through stop signs and saving tailless lizards, but I think that’s the weird concoction that makes “me” ME!
Or, I really am crazy and just making up excuses for myself??
We will never know.
The one and only Severus Snape nominated me for the Liebster 2018 Award. Which is AH-May-ZING. It’s also like a whole little assignment in and of itself, seven components, write a paper, find the blood of a virgin- I mean this is SERIOUS stuff here. All jokes aside I am really grateful to be nominated and to have the chance to shout out some other bloggers as well!
The rules and regulations:
- Religiously thank the person who nominated you. (when you thank them remember they had to spend hours writing this same blog as well. You the real MVP.)
- Blast photos of the award on your blog. Work it.
- Write a tear filled segment of why you love blogging and explain how it’s the coolest thing since sliced bread.
- Provide ten random facts about yourself (This is what I am most worried about. I am a WEIRDO)
- Answer the questions your fellow nominator has given you.
- Create more questions for your nominees to answer
- Nominate enough people to create a Brady Bunch family.
- Comment on the blog post from the Global Aussie with a link DIRECTLY to your Liebster Award nomination. Gotta show proof my friends.
I actually talk about how legit blogging is ALL THE TIME. It’s this beautiful outlet you can use to not only help yourself and mentally work through some complicated things in your mind, but also to reach so many people! I’ve found so many people through my blog, had some of the strangest conversations and laughed thanks to other bloggers. It’s a “hobby” that can turn into so much more.
When I started Adultish I had actually started 4 other blogs previously. Even paid an unforeseen amount of money towards one… I don’t even remember what those blogs were called and after two weeks I forgot the log in. My debit card did get billed for like six months after though. #MyBad.
Wait. Was that number one of the “ten random things”??
NUMBER TWO- I can wear whatever I want to work but I basically wear a uniform. I bought navy, white, black and tan skinny jeans from Hollister. I wear those with my amazon flats (that I have in 5 different colors). And BOOM! Easiest outfits ever.
3 .I almost bought a fish this weekend. ALMOST. Turns out Petco was closed and the thought of buying fish tank accessories that may or may not have matched the fish (yes, I just said “match a fish”) really freaked me out.
4. I am a TOTAL control freak. Like imagine the most type a person imaginable, multiply it by ninety-seven and that’s me. But I know how I am and so I try really hard to make sure I am nice and sweet to make up for how crazy I am.
5. I LOVE to organize. Take me to the dollar tree and sit me in front of a hoarders house and I would love you forever.
6. I am currently reading The Power of Now, as recommended to me by the fabulous Kayln Nicholson, and Oh-Em-Geeee it’s so good. Every page deeper into the book I get the more I am mind blown.
7. If I eat anything that has dairy or gluten I bloat so intensely I could pass as 4 months pregnant. Does that stop me from eating those things? Absolutely not. *shoves another handful of Rolos into mouth*
8. I have a headache what seems like e v e r y s I n g l e d a y. I’m sure I will die from it one day.
9.I will never turn down Paneras Tomato Basil Soup.
10. I don’t think I will ever be the kind of person who will have an organized sock drawer. It’s just not in the cards for me.
There. 10 random things about me. I am surrounded my Rolo wrappers already. Send help.
Severus Snape had some questions:
Q: If time travel were an option, what would you have done with it?
A: Shot Hitler.
Q: If the Internet was a person, what would it have said for mankind?
A: Hmm. Probably something along the lines of “huh? Sorry, I wasn’t listening, I was on Pinterest”
Q:If characters from novels were real, which of them would you like to be friends with?
A: One fish and two fish. Maybe the red fish and blue fish.
Q: If you had a superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it?
A: FLY. Like everywhere.
Q: If our pets could talk like us what do you think they’d say to you?
A: “More treats, bish”.
So here we go, here are my nomination for the Liebster 2018 Award
*drum roll please*
So if your name is on this list you get to do all the fun things I did- and answer these questions. May the odds be ever in your favor.
1.If there was one lesson you could instill in another person, what would it be?
2. What is one quote you live by?
3.People say that first impressions are everything; what do you hope people take away after meeting you?
4. What is one thing that will undoubtedly turn a bad day around for you?
5. If you could have any animal in the world, like even a chinchilla, what would it be?
That’s all folks! We did it!
And now I need a nap.